It's been two weeks since the accident, and I am pretty sure that I have been more insufferable for the past two weeks than i have been for the first 33 years of my life. I can't stand to be around myself right now. At least the crying has mostly stopped, however. Silver lining and all that.
Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.
Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.
My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.
I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.
I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.
I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.
Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?
shit, man. shit.
