It's 4am. I should have fallen asleep hours ago but nights are when all of those stressful thoughts that you had pushed out of your mind all day come creeping back in and there's no distractions, so I am stuck facing them head on.
My last month or so has been pretty awful. I am either going through a breakup or not, depending on which one of us you ask. To me, we were more than just friends; to him, not so much. I honestly believe he is just telling himself that to make all of this easier on himself, but that is purely conjecture and should probably be stricken from the record. Whether this is a breakup or not, it has still upturned my entire life and left me scrambling in its wake.
Several months ago, for several reasons, there was a roommate shift in our house. Due to varying circumstances, one of our roommates was leaving and we were looking to fill that space. The problem was we needed someone that could handle taking over the master bedroom (the rent was higher) and who didn't have a car, as parking in our complex is a nightmare (what started this entire conversation was the complex trying to tow my car one night.)
I knew someone that fit the bill, and he and I had talked before about living together and how awesome we would be as roommates, but more recently had stopped talking. I knew, though, that this man was also very much in need of a place to go, and it just seemed like a win/win, even though we weren't on the same page in our "friendship." I sent him a text late that night, and he immediately responded with a resounding YES!! This was definitely not one of the best decisions I have made since I moved down here, but the theme of this move, as we all know by now, was to live my life, make mistakes, and figure out what I am meant for.
We moved him in and not a week later I ended up in the hospital. He was there every day to see me (until he bit it on the ice and ended up in the ER himself. Broken ribs and sheets of ice make it hard for anyone to do much of anything) and once I got out of the hospital we spent a lot of time together healing and hanging out. We were taking care of each other and helping each other mend. I joked that our living room was the new infirmary.
Things had actually been really amazing in our house. We lived together very well, and all three were getting along swimmingly. We knew our lease was set to end come July 31, and that our other roommate was going to be moving out into her own place, but he and I had settled on the fact that as long as we could stay here (they have been trying to sell our house to a buyer for months) that we would stay. He had just settled in and I was just not interested in moving my stuff. (I have a lot of stuff.) Then things changed.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of our personal lives here, the situation changed so drastically and so quickly that I was left breathless. I was not expecting any of this at all, and was blindly living my happy little life. Even though things were bad, I still wasn't really ready to move (and I am going to admit here that I was secretly hoping things would change back to how they were before, because we really were good roommates) so we decided after a bunch of deliberation that we would try to stay one more month until I could find a place to go. But I don't believe either of us were really sure that this was the best decision, and we had had a few arguments about it recently. We still have not signed anything, and I just cannot shake the feeling that resigning and living in this house with him for another month is the worst idea ever.
So tonight I texted him and told him that I thought it is a terrible idea. He asked what I am going to do, as I don't have anything lined up. I have a plan, devised tonight, that requires me sleeping on a futon in a living room for a few weeks until my new roommate and I can get the place we have our eye on (though because I was fearing that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, I have looked for a few other places, so that we have other options.) I will put all of my stuff (save for my records, my kitchenaid, and the clothes I'll need to get by) into a storage unit until we can move into a new place. I don't really want to be moving everything I own twice in a month, but I see no other option at this point. I came home from work tonight and packed a few boxes that I am taking back to Jersey with me to leave at Mom & Dad's until I get my life figured out. I am looking at renting a PO Box so that my mail will have somewhere to go. I have a plan.
Like I said, this has been an incredibly rough month for me. I totally disconnected for a little while. In the words of Radiohead, "for a minute there, I lost myself." But after a lot of hopelessness and whining and praying and begging and all of that, this plan was hatched. It is not ideal, but this is where my life is right now. Once again, I am blown away by the amount of love and support that I am surrounded with here in Nashville. I had briefly thought about (and still think about, every day) just packing it all in and going back north. A few weeks ago, in the thick of the worst of everything, my mom called me in the middle of the night because she knew something was wrong. I told her what was going on and told her, "I just want to come home. I need my mom." I DO need my mom, hence the trip back north this week (and I need my girls. It is going to be so perfect having all four of us in the same place at the same time again) but I don't want to go back north for good. I don't want to give up on whatever it is that has me down here. I am here for a reason. I am pretty positive that that reason was not to get my heart broken.
That makes me so excited to see what is next. I am going to get through this and come out even stronger and wiser than I already was. I fear that my heart may be a little harder for a while, but that comes with the territory. So yeah, I am going to be homeless for a little while (which I find extremely ironic considering I asked him to move in here to prevent him from becoming homeless and now he turned the tables and left me scrambling for a place to live, but it's all good. I'll be just fine) but this is just another chapter in my novel, and just another rebirth for me.
I always forget how strong I can be, and am always amazed at myself when I am that girl. I got this.
