i have been trying to figure out what to write for a few days now. i keep feeling like i need to update this blog out of obligation, and that is putting me in a mindset where i do not want to write. i am still going though a whole lot of crap and i don't know how public i want to be with most of it, so that creates a difficulty in setting a boundary here. today, though, i want to write, so let's see if i can finally get something worth reading out.
im still living on my friend's couch. i am thankful as anything that she is putting up with me, and that i have a place to rest my head at night, but i miss my bed. a lot. and my pile of shit in her apartment keeps getting bigger as i keep going to "rescue" things out of my storage unit. i am trying not to be too much of an annoyance because she is so awesome to open her home to me, but i am definitely a materialistic person, and i am having a hard time being separated from so much of my crap. Also, i feel like i am in college all over again-two girls in a studio apartment. its fun though, and its nice to have someone to talk to about the day as it winds down.
on the plus side, if everything works out this time, i should have an address again (and my bed!!!) in about a month. i am waiting on someone else to finish up their end of the paperwork, and i am terrible at waiting for anyone to do anything (i am the most impatient person i have ever met) but i need to trust that its going to be okay. i have no doubt that we will get approved once everything is taken care of, so i just have to sit tight and wait for things to play out. I keep finding myself wishing that i could see this less of a crisis and more of an adventure. Maybe i will be able to soon, or maybe that kind of thought just isnt possible in my head. i guess that is just one more thing i need to work on.
i told my mom the other day that i cant believe i have been here two years. she said she can. haha. i dont know how to take that, really. I feel like i just moved here, but i think that it because i never really settled. yes, i had a house (that i loved) and i have a job and friends and i even had (or didnt, again, depending on who you ask) a relationship. but i have never really felt settled. its bizarre, especially because its not like i have somewhere else in mind that i would rather be. i don't have any desire to move back to new jersey. of course i miss my friends and my family, but i feel like going back there would just be giving up, and im not about to quit.
i dont even think anyone would have blamed me if, at any point over the last six months, i just decided to pack it in and go home. the reality was that i wanted to go home with mom and dad when they left here while i was still in the hospital. i firmly believe that the reason i wasnt released until the day after they left was because if i was free to go, i would have been in the car with them and that would have been the end of all of this. and now? moving out of my house with nowhere lined up to move into and just kind of free floating? definitely another oppertunity to stop fighting and pack it in. don't think it hasnt been discussed, but ultimately it is not the time or the right thing for me.
there is something about nashville that makes the highs really fucking high and the lows so terribly low. or maybe that is just how life works and i wasnt really living it until i got here, so i never noticed. i mean, i wouldnt call this my first heartbreak (i remember that well, actually. i was on the side of the NJ turnpike puking my guts up in the pouring rain because i couldn't handle it) but its probably going to be the one that molds me the most, because of the circumstances. i was recently talking to someone about how i feel like everything that i should have experienced in my life is kind of hitting me all at once, and they agreed. She said that because i had spent so much time previously just existing, and now that i am living, i am definitely catching up, and that means that a lot of shit is going to come my way at once. its been a lot of negatives, lately, so i hope that i get a lot of the positives that i missed out on, too.
i said something really mean to someone today. i wont get into specifics, but as soon as it came out i wanted to take it back. i hope that all of this is not turning me into the kind of person that says really mean things. i dont want to be that girl.
i have a lot of work to do.
