i have been trying to figure out what to write for a few days now. i keep feeling like i need to update this blog out of obligation, and that is putting me in a mindset where i do not want to write. i am still going though a whole lot of crap and i don't know how public i want to be with most of it, so that creates a difficulty in setting a boundary here. today, though, i want to write, so let's see if i can finally get something worth reading out.
im still living on my friend's couch. i am thankful as anything that she is putting up with me, and that i have a place to rest my head at night, but i miss my bed. a lot. and my pile of shit in her apartment keeps getting bigger as i keep going to "rescue" things out of my storage unit. i am trying not to be too much of an annoyance because she is so awesome to open her home to me, but i am definitely a materialistic person, and i am having a hard time being separated from so much of my crap. Also, i feel like i am in college all over again-two girls in a studio apartment. its fun though, and its nice to have someone to talk to about the day as it winds down.
on the plus side, if everything works out this time, i should have an address again (and my bed!!!) in about a month. i am waiting on someone else to finish up their end of the paperwork, and i am terrible at waiting for anyone to do anything (i am the most impatient person i have ever met) but i need to trust that its going to be okay. i have no doubt that we will get approved once everything is taken care of, so i just have to sit tight and wait for things to play out. I keep finding myself wishing that i could see this less of a crisis and more of an adventure. Maybe i will be able to soon, or maybe that kind of thought just isnt possible in my head. i guess that is just one more thing i need to work on.
i told my mom the other day that i cant believe i have been here two years. she said she can. haha. i dont know how to take that, really. I feel like i just moved here, but i think that it because i never really settled. yes, i had a house (that i loved) and i have a job and friends and i even had (or didnt, again, depending on who you ask) a relationship. but i have never really felt settled. its bizarre, especially because its not like i have somewhere else in mind that i would rather be. i don't have any desire to move back to new jersey. of course i miss my friends and my family, but i feel like going back there would just be giving up, and im not about to quit.
i dont even think anyone would have blamed me if, at any point over the last six months, i just decided to pack it in and go home. the reality was that i wanted to go home with mom and dad when they left here while i was still in the hospital. i firmly believe that the reason i wasnt released until the day after they left was because if i was free to go, i would have been in the car with them and that would have been the end of all of this. and now? moving out of my house with nowhere lined up to move into and just kind of free floating? definitely another oppertunity to stop fighting and pack it in. don't think it hasnt been discussed, but ultimately it is not the time or the right thing for me.
there is something about nashville that makes the highs really fucking high and the lows so terribly low. or maybe that is just how life works and i wasnt really living it until i got here, so i never noticed. i mean, i wouldnt call this my first heartbreak (i remember that well, actually. i was on the side of the NJ turnpike puking my guts up in the pouring rain because i couldn't handle it) but its probably going to be the one that molds me the most, because of the circumstances. i was recently talking to someone about how i feel like everything that i should have experienced in my life is kind of hitting me all at once, and they agreed. She said that because i had spent so much time previously just existing, and now that i am living, i am definitely catching up, and that means that a lot of shit is going to come my way at once. its been a lot of negatives, lately, so i hope that i get a lot of the positives that i missed out on, too.
i said something really mean to someone today. i wont get into specifics, but as soon as it came out i wanted to take it back. i hope that all of this is not turning me into the kind of person that says really mean things. i dont want to be that girl.
i have a lot of work to do.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
"im a survivor, im gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving"
It's 4am. I should have fallen asleep hours ago but nights are when all of those stressful thoughts that you had pushed out of your mind all day come creeping back in and there's no distractions, so I am stuck facing them head on.
My last month or so has been pretty awful. I am either going through a breakup or not, depending on which one of us you ask. To me, we were more than just friends; to him, not so much. I honestly believe he is just telling himself that to make all of this easier on himself, but that is purely conjecture and should probably be stricken from the record. Whether this is a breakup or not, it has still upturned my entire life and left me scrambling in its wake.
Several months ago, for several reasons, there was a roommate shift in our house. Due to varying circumstances, one of our roommates was leaving and we were looking to fill that space. The problem was we needed someone that could handle taking over the master bedroom (the rent was higher) and who didn't have a car, as parking in our complex is a nightmare (what started this entire conversation was the complex trying to tow my car one night.)
I knew someone that fit the bill, and he and I had talked before about living together and how awesome we would be as roommates, but more recently had stopped talking. I knew, though, that this man was also very much in need of a place to go, and it just seemed like a win/win, even though we weren't on the same page in our "friendship." I sent him a text late that night, and he immediately responded with a resounding YES!! This was definitely not one of the best decisions I have made since I moved down here, but the theme of this move, as we all know by now, was to live my life, make mistakes, and figure out what I am meant for.
We moved him in and not a week later I ended up in the hospital. He was there every day to see me (until he bit it on the ice and ended up in the ER himself. Broken ribs and sheets of ice make it hard for anyone to do much of anything) and once I got out of the hospital we spent a lot of time together healing and hanging out. We were taking care of each other and helping each other mend. I joked that our living room was the new infirmary.
Things had actually been really amazing in our house. We lived together very well, and all three were getting along swimmingly. We knew our lease was set to end come July 31, and that our other roommate was going to be moving out into her own place, but he and I had settled on the fact that as long as we could stay here (they have been trying to sell our house to a buyer for months) that we would stay. He had just settled in and I was just not interested in moving my stuff. (I have a lot of stuff.) Then things changed.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of our personal lives here, the situation changed so drastically and so quickly that I was left breathless. I was not expecting any of this at all, and was blindly living my happy little life. Even though things were bad, I still wasn't really ready to move (and I am going to admit here that I was secretly hoping things would change back to how they were before, because we really were good roommates) so we decided after a bunch of deliberation that we would try to stay one more month until I could find a place to go. But I don't believe either of us were really sure that this was the best decision, and we had had a few arguments about it recently. We still have not signed anything, and I just cannot shake the feeling that resigning and living in this house with him for another month is the worst idea ever.
So tonight I texted him and told him that I thought it is a terrible idea. He asked what I am going to do, as I don't have anything lined up. I have a plan, devised tonight, that requires me sleeping on a futon in a living room for a few weeks until my new roommate and I can get the place we have our eye on (though because I was fearing that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, I have looked for a few other places, so that we have other options.) I will put all of my stuff (save for my records, my kitchenaid, and the clothes I'll need to get by) into a storage unit until we can move into a new place. I don't really want to be moving everything I own twice in a month, but I see no other option at this point. I came home from work tonight and packed a few boxes that I am taking back to Jersey with me to leave at Mom & Dad's until I get my life figured out. I am looking at renting a PO Box so that my mail will have somewhere to go. I have a plan.
Like I said, this has been an incredibly rough month for me. I totally disconnected for a little while. In the words of Radiohead, "for a minute there, I lost myself." But after a lot of hopelessness and whining and praying and begging and all of that, this plan was hatched. It is not ideal, but this is where my life is right now. Once again, I am blown away by the amount of love and support that I am surrounded with here in Nashville. I had briefly thought about (and still think about, every day) just packing it all in and going back north. A few weeks ago, in the thick of the worst of everything, my mom called me in the middle of the night because she knew something was wrong. I told her what was going on and told her, "I just want to come home. I need my mom." I DO need my mom, hence the trip back north this week (and I need my girls. It is going to be so perfect having all four of us in the same place at the same time again) but I don't want to go back north for good. I don't want to give up on whatever it is that has me down here. I am here for a reason. I am pretty positive that that reason was not to get my heart broken.
That makes me so excited to see what is next. I am going to get through this and come out even stronger and wiser than I already was. I fear that my heart may be a little harder for a while, but that comes with the territory. So yeah, I am going to be homeless for a little while (which I find extremely ironic considering I asked him to move in here to prevent him from becoming homeless and now he turned the tables and left me scrambling for a place to live, but it's all good. I'll be just fine) but this is just another chapter in my novel, and just another rebirth for me.
I always forget how strong I can be, and am always amazed at myself when I am that girl. I got this.
My last month or so has been pretty awful. I am either going through a breakup or not, depending on which one of us you ask. To me, we were more than just friends; to him, not so much. I honestly believe he is just telling himself that to make all of this easier on himself, but that is purely conjecture and should probably be stricken from the record. Whether this is a breakup or not, it has still upturned my entire life and left me scrambling in its wake.
Several months ago, for several reasons, there was a roommate shift in our house. Due to varying circumstances, one of our roommates was leaving and we were looking to fill that space. The problem was we needed someone that could handle taking over the master bedroom (the rent was higher) and who didn't have a car, as parking in our complex is a nightmare (what started this entire conversation was the complex trying to tow my car one night.)
I knew someone that fit the bill, and he and I had talked before about living together and how awesome we would be as roommates, but more recently had stopped talking. I knew, though, that this man was also very much in need of a place to go, and it just seemed like a win/win, even though we weren't on the same page in our "friendship." I sent him a text late that night, and he immediately responded with a resounding YES!! This was definitely not one of the best decisions I have made since I moved down here, but the theme of this move, as we all know by now, was to live my life, make mistakes, and figure out what I am meant for.
We moved him in and not a week later I ended up in the hospital. He was there every day to see me (until he bit it on the ice and ended up in the ER himself. Broken ribs and sheets of ice make it hard for anyone to do much of anything) and once I got out of the hospital we spent a lot of time together healing and hanging out. We were taking care of each other and helping each other mend. I joked that our living room was the new infirmary.
Things had actually been really amazing in our house. We lived together very well, and all three were getting along swimmingly. We knew our lease was set to end come July 31, and that our other roommate was going to be moving out into her own place, but he and I had settled on the fact that as long as we could stay here (they have been trying to sell our house to a buyer for months) that we would stay. He had just settled in and I was just not interested in moving my stuff. (I have a lot of stuff.) Then things changed.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of our personal lives here, the situation changed so drastically and so quickly that I was left breathless. I was not expecting any of this at all, and was blindly living my happy little life. Even though things were bad, I still wasn't really ready to move (and I am going to admit here that I was secretly hoping things would change back to how they were before, because we really were good roommates) so we decided after a bunch of deliberation that we would try to stay one more month until I could find a place to go. But I don't believe either of us were really sure that this was the best decision, and we had had a few arguments about it recently. We still have not signed anything, and I just cannot shake the feeling that resigning and living in this house with him for another month is the worst idea ever.
So tonight I texted him and told him that I thought it is a terrible idea. He asked what I am going to do, as I don't have anything lined up. I have a plan, devised tonight, that requires me sleeping on a futon in a living room for a few weeks until my new roommate and I can get the place we have our eye on (though because I was fearing that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, I have looked for a few other places, so that we have other options.) I will put all of my stuff (save for my records, my kitchenaid, and the clothes I'll need to get by) into a storage unit until we can move into a new place. I don't really want to be moving everything I own twice in a month, but I see no other option at this point. I came home from work tonight and packed a few boxes that I am taking back to Jersey with me to leave at Mom & Dad's until I get my life figured out. I am looking at renting a PO Box so that my mail will have somewhere to go. I have a plan.
Like I said, this has been an incredibly rough month for me. I totally disconnected for a little while. In the words of Radiohead, "for a minute there, I lost myself." But after a lot of hopelessness and whining and praying and begging and all of that, this plan was hatched. It is not ideal, but this is where my life is right now. Once again, I am blown away by the amount of love and support that I am surrounded with here in Nashville. I had briefly thought about (and still think about, every day) just packing it all in and going back north. A few weeks ago, in the thick of the worst of everything, my mom called me in the middle of the night because she knew something was wrong. I told her what was going on and told her, "I just want to come home. I need my mom." I DO need my mom, hence the trip back north this week (and I need my girls. It is going to be so perfect having all four of us in the same place at the same time again) but I don't want to go back north for good. I don't want to give up on whatever it is that has me down here. I am here for a reason. I am pretty positive that that reason was not to get my heart broken.
That makes me so excited to see what is next. I am going to get through this and come out even stronger and wiser than I already was. I fear that my heart may be a little harder for a while, but that comes with the territory. So yeah, I am going to be homeless for a little while (which I find extremely ironic considering I asked him to move in here to prevent him from becoming homeless and now he turned the tables and left me scrambling for a place to live, but it's all good. I'll be just fine) but this is just another chapter in my novel, and just another rebirth for me.
I always forget how strong I can be, and am always amazed at myself when I am that girl. I got this.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
I feel stuck.
I feel stuck and I don't know what to do about any of it.
I moved down here in order to get my life together. I wanted to stop relying on everyone else and be able to succeed on my own. I wanted to get out of jobs that, while I may have loved, were nothing more than dead-ends. I tried advancing in both situations where I was happy, and was unsuccessful. I was given the oppertunity to move and start over and I took it. Stupidly, I thought things would be different down here.
I have been looking for something else for a while now, and have kicked it into high-gear more recently. I am struggling financially as it is and my bills are about to increase, so I need to figure out how I am going to handle that. A new job, or some other increase in income is obviously the best bet.
All of this would probably be a heck of a lot easier if I had any inkling of what it is I would like to be doing with the rest of my life. As it is, I have no dang clue.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being this miserable and scared and stressed out and freaked out. I hate having no direction and appearing to have no ambition. I hate being lost. I hate being stuck.
What the hell do I do now?
I feel stuck and I don't know what to do about any of it.
I moved down here in order to get my life together. I wanted to stop relying on everyone else and be able to succeed on my own. I wanted to get out of jobs that, while I may have loved, were nothing more than dead-ends. I tried advancing in both situations where I was happy, and was unsuccessful. I was given the oppertunity to move and start over and I took it. Stupidly, I thought things would be different down here.
I have been looking for something else for a while now, and have kicked it into high-gear more recently. I am struggling financially as it is and my bills are about to increase, so I need to figure out how I am going to handle that. A new job, or some other increase in income is obviously the best bet.
All of this would probably be a heck of a lot easier if I had any inkling of what it is I would like to be doing with the rest of my life. As it is, I have no dang clue.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being this miserable and scared and stressed out and freaked out. I hate having no direction and appearing to have no ambition. I hate being lost. I hate being stuck.
What the hell do I do now?
Sunday, March 15, 2015
"and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding..."
I went and had lunch with a dear friend today. It is sunny and warm and we sat outside at a great little Nashville cafe and talked about life and love and everything in between. The last time she saw me I was near dead, laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to too many machines that beeped. Its been a few weeks and I am doing much better, thankfully. (By all accounts, I should be dead now, and I know that I am insanely lucky that I pulled through it okay, and that I am still here.) My friend asked me if I have had any epiphanies stemming from my illness, and I thought it was a valid enough question that it even deserved a response on this old blog, which hasn't seen any action in longer that is fair.
I am a bad-ass bitch. I keep saying this because not only do I know it is true, but I think everyone else has a sense of that now as well. I said it to my mom on the phone the other day, and she laughed and said something about how I am so strong and so stubborn that God had to knock me on my ass TWICE and then paralyze my legs so that I would stop moving long enough to let someone get me the help I needed. Twice, yall. I had a pulmonary embolism that should have killed me. It was, on a size scale ranging 1-10, a 9. The doctor told my parents it was the largest that they had ever seen. And it took my going down TWICE and not being able to lift my legs up for me to concede and allow for help.
But that taught me that I need to slow down. I need to make time for myself and stop worrying so much about work or things or people that don't worry about me. So I need to slow down and I need to make sure that my energies are put into endeavors which are not just about someone else. So many people came to see me while I was laid up, or called, or texted, or checked in on facebook. Those people, the ones that made it a point to let me know that they were worried or thinking of me or just that they cared, those are the people that I am going to make time for in my life. I can no longer try to do everything for everyone. I was going to say that I am not a superhero, but I am kinda, so Ill just say that I am only a superhero for those that deserve my time. I dont think that is a horrible way to be, either. I used to think that it was; that I needed to be readily available for everyone that I knew all the time, and I just cannot be that girl anymore. It literally almost killed me.
I also know that where I am in my life is not where I want to be. I still love being in Nashville, but I feel like I am wasting my life right now, and so I am working on getting myself where I feel like I should be. This is proving difficult, however, as I have no idea what in the world I want to actually be doing with my life. This particular issue is one that I have been dealing with for quite a few years. If I could ask a magic 8 ball what I should be doing with my life, that would be the end of it, but that is not really an option, so I need to really search my heart and spend a lot of time in prayer asking for direction. I mean, if yall wanted to say a prayer or 17 that I find direction I would be okay with that.
The biggest thing I have noticed, but this is not just from being sick, but I think from living in the south in general, is how not worked up about stuff I get. Those of you who have known me since before the move know how high-strung and totally worked up I could get over the dumbest stuff. Like, fly-off-the-handle crazy over little things. The stuff we aren't supposed to sweat. Intense is a word that was thrown around more than once. Here is the difference though. Today, after a wonderful lunch in the warm sun with a good friend, I got to the parking lot to see that my car had been booted. I paid for my parking but didn't read the sign and didn't put my ticket in the dash. My own fault, as I was a dumb ass and didn't read instructions. I laughed a little, called myself a dumb ass, and called the number to have the guy come remove the boot, and then continued my conversation with Joni. Instead of freaking out over something that was going to be solved with no problem in just a few minutes (the old me) I looked at it as a chance to spend a few more minutes gabbing with a great lady who I don't get to spend enough time gabbing with. I am pretty proud of this growth.
Yes, almost croaking changes things; it changed me. I hate that it took something that extreme to wake me up, but my attention has been caught, and I am focusing a lot more on the positives and turning the negatives in my life into positives. Yes, I still get angry about shit. I am lost. I am going to be selfish or a doormat depending on the situations. I am not perfect, but I am trying to better myself, and that is what it's all about, right? I will leave this planet a little bit better than it was when I got here.
I am a bad-ass bitch. I keep saying this because not only do I know it is true, but I think everyone else has a sense of that now as well. I said it to my mom on the phone the other day, and she laughed and said something about how I am so strong and so stubborn that God had to knock me on my ass TWICE and then paralyze my legs so that I would stop moving long enough to let someone get me the help I needed. Twice, yall. I had a pulmonary embolism that should have killed me. It was, on a size scale ranging 1-10, a 9. The doctor told my parents it was the largest that they had ever seen. And it took my going down TWICE and not being able to lift my legs up for me to concede and allow for help.
But that taught me that I need to slow down. I need to make time for myself and stop worrying so much about work or things or people that don't worry about me. So I need to slow down and I need to make sure that my energies are put into endeavors which are not just about someone else. So many people came to see me while I was laid up, or called, or texted, or checked in on facebook. Those people, the ones that made it a point to let me know that they were worried or thinking of me or just that they cared, those are the people that I am going to make time for in my life. I can no longer try to do everything for everyone. I was going to say that I am not a superhero, but I am kinda, so Ill just say that I am only a superhero for those that deserve my time. I dont think that is a horrible way to be, either. I used to think that it was; that I needed to be readily available for everyone that I knew all the time, and I just cannot be that girl anymore. It literally almost killed me.
I also know that where I am in my life is not where I want to be. I still love being in Nashville, but I feel like I am wasting my life right now, and so I am working on getting myself where I feel like I should be. This is proving difficult, however, as I have no idea what in the world I want to actually be doing with my life. This particular issue is one that I have been dealing with for quite a few years. If I could ask a magic 8 ball what I should be doing with my life, that would be the end of it, but that is not really an option, so I need to really search my heart and spend a lot of time in prayer asking for direction. I mean, if yall wanted to say a prayer or 17 that I find direction I would be okay with that.
The biggest thing I have noticed, but this is not just from being sick, but I think from living in the south in general, is how not worked up about stuff I get. Those of you who have known me since before the move know how high-strung and totally worked up I could get over the dumbest stuff. Like, fly-off-the-handle crazy over little things. The stuff we aren't supposed to sweat. Intense is a word that was thrown around more than once. Here is the difference though. Today, after a wonderful lunch in the warm sun with a good friend, I got to the parking lot to see that my car had been booted. I paid for my parking but didn't read the sign and didn't put my ticket in the dash. My own fault, as I was a dumb ass and didn't read instructions. I laughed a little, called myself a dumb ass, and called the number to have the guy come remove the boot, and then continued my conversation with Joni. Instead of freaking out over something that was going to be solved with no problem in just a few minutes (the old me) I looked at it as a chance to spend a few more minutes gabbing with a great lady who I don't get to spend enough time gabbing with. I am pretty proud of this growth.
Yes, almost croaking changes things; it changed me. I hate that it took something that extreme to wake me up, but my attention has been caught, and I am focusing a lot more on the positives and turning the negatives in my life into positives. Yes, I still get angry about shit. I am lost. I am going to be selfish or a doormat depending on the situations. I am not perfect, but I am trying to better myself, and that is what it's all about, right? I will leave this planet a little bit better than it was when I got here.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
you've come a long way, baby
a year ago this week, i was in nashville visiting, trying to figure out if i was really, truly doing this, and if so, where in the world we were going to live.
i was meeting some of my friends here for the first time. i was learning my way around and trying to get the lay of the land. i was on the hunt for a job.
i moved in august, so i haven't been here quite a year yet, but it's really close. As im sitting here in my kitchen, up later than i should be, i am feeling particularly proud of myself tonight.
the main goal in mind when moving 801 miles away from everything i knew and everything i loved was to finally be an adult. just because legally i am classified as an adult does not mean i was acting like one. i was letting a lot of things hold me back, and it was absolutely cramping my style. but now here i am, sitting in the kitchen that i pay rent for, after hanging out all day with the friends that i have made, driving around in the car i am paying for with the money im making at my jobs. im working a job that i love that pays shit and a job that i hate (that also pays shit) but that i need to subsidize the income. i am making decisions that im not sure i would have been able to make a year ago. i am doing things, like buying a car, that i KNOW i would not have been able to handle a year ago.
obviously every day here is not sunshine and rainbows. as a matter of fact, i am just now climbing out of the darkest days i have had in a really long time. totaling my car put me into a super depressive mindset and no matter what i did, i could not get over myself or out of my own head for long enough to see that it was going to be okay. i was a mess and im glad that my friends here stood by me through that because im pretty sure i was no fun at all to be around.
but i have friends here that will stand by me in shit like that, and that i would do the same for in a heartbeat. i have an amazing "family" here that would give me the shirt off of their backs if i needed it, without my having to ask, and i absolutely would do the same. i know i would not have survived this last year, much less the last two months, without the friends i have made at work. i have made friends at work before, but i have never been in an environment quite like the one i am currently, and i count my lucky stars every day for that.
and i know that i am not done growing, or growing up. there are some goals that i had set for myself that i have not accomplished yet. some things that i still want to do, but i have time. and i am stronger now than i have ever been, and im gaining every day.
i finally got to go explore the Parthenon today with a friend of mine, and we were talking about another friend who left to move across the country recently. I stated that moving across the country and starting over has been the best thing i could have ever done for myself. it weeded out a lot of the bad seeds in my life, and the people from home that still remain are the ones that are worth keeping around. im learning things about myself that i never knew, and seeing how much i can do on my own. im also seeing how much i still need my family, and how much it hurts to be so far away from them. ive often thought that the only thing that would make nashville better would be if my family were here. maybe in time...
i dunno what is going to happen next...i am actively looking to make some changes in my life again, shake things up and test myself some more. but if you are reading this and thinking about making a change in your own life, no matter the size, i say do it. what is the point if you arent growing and changing? staying stagnant is no good for anyone, and im glad i finally rid myself of the film i was gathering by not moving.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
pity party.
It's been two weeks since the accident, and I am pretty sure that I have been more insufferable for the past two weeks than i have been for the first 33 years of my life. I can't stand to be around myself right now. At least the crying has mostly stopped, however. Silver lining and all that.
Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.
Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.
My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.
I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.
I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.
I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.
Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?
shit, man. shit.
Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.
Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.
My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.
I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.
I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.
I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.
Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?
shit, man. shit.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
i am starting to wonder if maybe i am a quitter.
As I am positive you know by now, I totaled my car Monday morning. It was raining, and I was making a left hand turn into the gas station where I work. There was a bus coming, as well as some cars behind it, but they all stopped (in the lane farthest from me, what would be their right lane) so that I could go across. There was no traffic in the left lane. I looked to make sure it was safe, and I guess at the same time as I went across, a lady behind the bus saw no point in sitting there and waiting for me and passed the bus on the right hand side, so that i couldnt see her, and she slammed right into me. The thing is, because I was making a left hand turn and because there is a right-turn lane that starts right about where she passed the bus, I am likely to be found at fault.
Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )
I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.
Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)
I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.
On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.
I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.
And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.
Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )
I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.
Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)
I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.
On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.
I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.
And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.
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