One of the big reasons for my wanting to move was so that I could teach myself financial responsibility. I have always been a flake when it comes to money. I am fully aware of this, and knew that having my dad handling that stuff for me was no way for me to ever learn it. (I fully contend that they should make money management classes a requirement for HS graduation, and that they need to do a better job of warning college students about what they are getting into when they take out enormous loans to pay for school. I do believe that I would be in a much better place financially if those two things had happened. Alas, they did not, so here I am.)
Keeping track of what I am spending by writing it down every night has been super helpful in regards to spending money. For instance, I was out this morning at target, and was debating stopping at Starbucks for my "take to work" coffee. I typically stop at the gas station and pick up a cup of their sludge or if I am feeling super frugal, I brew some at home before I leave (though even though I worked at wawa for nine years, I suck at making coffee.) I walked past the starbucks counter in the target because there was a line of four people and I didn't feel like waiting, and decided when I was nearing the actual Starbucks store that I did not want to stop because not only is a soy latte upwards of four dollars, but I would have to later enter that into the book, which was something I just wasn't vibing on.
I have been doing this exercise since the beginning of the month, and figured by the end of the month I would be able to create a budget, and from there I would be able to allot specific values to rent, bills, entertainment, gas, and pre-work coffee runs. I thought I could also determine which was the best week to pay specific bills, based on both when they are due, and when there is money for them.
For the most part I have all of the logistics figured out, but I am still struggling with two things. The first is that while it all makes sense on paper, and even in theory, in practice I cannot master the art of budgeting my money. I don't know why my brain has such a block on this, and like I said, things are getting better, but I feel like I always miss something huge that sets me back once I think I have things squared away. The second thing, which I believe is probably the more important one, is that I do not make enough money to cover my expenses. I have lived pretty bare-bones this month (hence the weight loss. no money=no food.) and am still in the negative as the month closes out. I am working two jobs and working a decent amount at both of them, and still feel like I have nothing to show for it. Ideally, I would like to be making enough money so that I am living comfortably by my standards (which honestly aren't very high, really, though I miss eating) AND be able to put some cash back into my totally depleted savings account each week.
This is only going to get worse soon, as (thankfully, and boy am I not complaining) I will qualify for medical benefits within the next month or so at WHS, so that will be additional cash coming out of my checks each week. Some of that will be compensated by the addition of the cash that I will not be paying out for the benefits that I am losing at BRU thanks to the Affordable Care Act, but having paid into benefits before, my best guess is that those two numbers will not balance out.
Part of the problem is that I am working for peanuts at BRU. No one can live on minimum wage. I consider quitting every single day, but quitting without something better will only compound the issue. That brings me to the next point, which is that it is really, really hard to find something to work around a retail schedule that changes week to week. The only good thing about working at BRU is that because they need me way more than I need them (yes, that is still true despite what this entry is saying) I can set my own schedule and they work with me on it, and are really flexible with my needing to change things, even last minute. Hell, even when I sleep through a shift. Ideally, I want to be back in a school setting in some capacity. Or even childcare that would still allow for me to work nights and weekends at WHS. But I have been applying and applying and applying, and have not gotten any response back from any of the schools or the Metro Nashville School District.
I wasn't too worried about financials when I decided to make this move because I fully believed that God wanted me to be here, and that He would provide so that I would be able to make ends meet, but right now that is not the case, and I don't want to fall behind any farther on any of my bills.
And because I enter all of my receipts into the binder at the end of the day, this is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep every night.
I hate money.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
That was the day that our town changed-that we were changed.
in just a few hours, one year ago, i was awaken by a text message that simply said "they found her." I was SO sure that she was just hiding out somewhere, mostly because i couldnt believe that anyone in our town was capable of anything worse. It took me a minute for the realization of what was being said to hit me. I sat up for the rest of the night, numb, and wondering how we were going to make it through school that day. There was a lot of crying and hugging in the hallways, but we had 800 kids who were counting on us to be strong for them, and that was what our jobs were, as staff at Simmons.
I spent that day, and the ones after it, in a complete fog. We all did.
That friday before, there was a train vs car accident right behind our school, at morning arrival time, involving the mother and baby brother of two of our students. We spent all day friday whispering to each other and giving glances because while we knew who was involved, the students' didn't.
Then came Saturday. The day they took you from your family. We were all at the homecoming game, cheering on our team and hanging out, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I still have such a hard time thinking back to that day because it kills me to know that we were all at that game and just a few blocks away, you were taking your last breaths, over a bicycle.
We spent the next few days searching everywhere. I was so convinced that you had run away or were hiding. I just could not wrap my head around anything worse than a teenage stunt. Those things didn't happen in the town that we grew up in. The town where your awesome Grandmom taught for years, and where your father, your aunts and uncles, and you and your siblings all went to school.
People tried to blame it on race, and Clayton was not that town. Racism is so foreign to me because of where I grew up, and I am thankful every day for that. There are a lot of factors to blame this on, but race is not one.
Your death pulled the core of the town together for a common good, therefore, it was not in vein.
It affected so many of us in so many different ways. Some left town for a fresh start. Some made friends out of the tragedy. Some turned on their fellow townsmen, on the people that they grew up with, and got angry at the hurt that people were feeling. That last one is something that I surely will never understand, but the other stuff I totally get.
I have said, since a few months out, that the anniversary would be hard, though it seemed to be a lot better than I imagined, but that after that, the town would begin healing.
Autumn will not be forgotten. Her legacy is branded on us. In the wake of your death, a town came together in an unimaginable way, and that seems to have stuck. We will all move forward with our lives, which is to be expected, but we will all carry that day and that little girl with us forever.
I spent that day, and the ones after it, in a complete fog. We all did.
That friday before, there was a train vs car accident right behind our school, at morning arrival time, involving the mother and baby brother of two of our students. We spent all day friday whispering to each other and giving glances because while we knew who was involved, the students' didn't.
Then came Saturday. The day they took you from your family. We were all at the homecoming game, cheering on our team and hanging out, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I still have such a hard time thinking back to that day because it kills me to know that we were all at that game and just a few blocks away, you were taking your last breaths, over a bicycle.
We spent the next few days searching everywhere. I was so convinced that you had run away or were hiding. I just could not wrap my head around anything worse than a teenage stunt. Those things didn't happen in the town that we grew up in. The town where your awesome Grandmom taught for years, and where your father, your aunts and uncles, and you and your siblings all went to school.
People tried to blame it on race, and Clayton was not that town. Racism is so foreign to me because of where I grew up, and I am thankful every day for that. There are a lot of factors to blame this on, but race is not one.
Your death pulled the core of the town together for a common good, therefore, it was not in vein.
It affected so many of us in so many different ways. Some left town for a fresh start. Some made friends out of the tragedy. Some turned on their fellow townsmen, on the people that they grew up with, and got angry at the hurt that people were feeling. That last one is something that I surely will never understand, but the other stuff I totally get.
I have said, since a few months out, that the anniversary would be hard, though it seemed to be a lot better than I imagined, but that after that, the town would begin healing.
Autumn will not be forgotten. Her legacy is branded on us. In the wake of your death, a town came together in an unimaginable way, and that seems to have stuck. We will all move forward with our lives, which is to be expected, but we will all carry that day and that little girl with us forever.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
I really miss my family, and I really miss my friends. I am having a tough time lately because I don't have anyone around. When I was in the planning stages of moving, I assumed that the laundry list of people that I knew that were down here would translate into having friends, but for whatever reason that has not really proven to be the case.
I got to actually talk to my BFFF on the phone tonight, and that was nice. It was nice to tell someone the stories from the bar and to hear about what is going on in her life. I am friendly with the people at WHS, but wouldn't consider any of them actual friends yet. I mean, I did get invited out after work the other night, but it was more of a "hey you can come too if you want since you are standing there while we are talking about it" kind of a thing, and they all left before I was done work anyway. It was nice to be asked to do something though.
I was excited because I thought I was going to be able to make it to the work picnic but I misread my schedule and that is not going to be able to happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with my costars outside of work. oh well.
I guess the downside to living in "the LA of the East" is that everyone is about their own agenda so it is difficult to find friends. It definitely does not help that I am 33 and single. Im not married, so I dont fit in with most people my age, and I'm old, so I don't fit in with most single people. It is a rather shitty place to find myself.
This entire move has been an exercise in independence, and I guess that this could be part of that, but I had friends at home. I had people to go get froyo with. I had people to meet for coffee and to discuss the day's events. I had regular friendly's dates and regular nights with the girls. I miss that. a lot.
Lucky for me, I have worked like every day for the last two weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it, but I am off tomorrow, though I will say I have plans for lunch that I am hoping don't get cancelled again, and I have a few days off next week so I know that these things are really going to on the forefront of my mind again. Obviously they are right now.
I am definitely not making any friends at BRU. There is only one person there remotely close to my age and she has made it perfectly clear that she hates my guts. I am astounded by the level of rudeness that she exudes. Working there is much like working at Kennedy was for me for a really long time. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I have a personality trait that makes people treat me like shit for no discernible reason. Or maybe I am just insane and all of this is in my head. I do know that it took almost an entire year before I felt like anyone at Kennedy liked me. I don't think ill last that long at BRU. The punishment is not worth 7.25 an hour, and I am looking for a replacement so that I can quit for real.
If it takes me a year to make friends here, then I will only be a Nashville resident for a year. Even if I go back to NJ and have no friends, at least I will have my family around, which is what matters most anyway.
I got to actually talk to my BFFF on the phone tonight, and that was nice. It was nice to tell someone the stories from the bar and to hear about what is going on in her life. I am friendly with the people at WHS, but wouldn't consider any of them actual friends yet. I mean, I did get invited out after work the other night, but it was more of a "hey you can come too if you want since you are standing there while we are talking about it" kind of a thing, and they all left before I was done work anyway. It was nice to be asked to do something though.
I was excited because I thought I was going to be able to make it to the work picnic but I misread my schedule and that is not going to be able to happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with my costars outside of work. oh well.
I guess the downside to living in "the LA of the East" is that everyone is about their own agenda so it is difficult to find friends. It definitely does not help that I am 33 and single. Im not married, so I dont fit in with most people my age, and I'm old, so I don't fit in with most single people. It is a rather shitty place to find myself.
This entire move has been an exercise in independence, and I guess that this could be part of that, but I had friends at home. I had people to go get froyo with. I had people to meet for coffee and to discuss the day's events. I had regular friendly's dates and regular nights with the girls. I miss that. a lot.
Lucky for me, I have worked like every day for the last two weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it, but I am off tomorrow, though I will say I have plans for lunch that I am hoping don't get cancelled again, and I have a few days off next week so I know that these things are really going to on the forefront of my mind again. Obviously they are right now.
I am definitely not making any friends at BRU. There is only one person there remotely close to my age and she has made it perfectly clear that she hates my guts. I am astounded by the level of rudeness that she exudes. Working there is much like working at Kennedy was for me for a really long time. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I have a personality trait that makes people treat me like shit for no discernible reason. Or maybe I am just insane and all of this is in my head. I do know that it took almost an entire year before I felt like anyone at Kennedy liked me. I don't think ill last that long at BRU. The punishment is not worth 7.25 an hour, and I am looking for a replacement so that I can quit for real.
If it takes me a year to make friends here, then I will only be a Nashville resident for a year. Even if I go back to NJ and have no friends, at least I will have my family around, which is what matters most anyway.
Friday, October 4, 2013
wow. its been a while!
I didn't realize how long its been since i've actually written anything here. I apologize for that. As you will soon see, my life has been crazy lately, and it is leaving little time for anything that isn't work.
So, I did quit BRU, or so I thought. After several e-mails back and forth with the manager, I decided to stay on there, however my availability is only until 10am any day of the week so as to not interfere with the WHS. I ended up taking nearly two weeks off from there, but am slowly getting into a groove and settling in. I am still mostly unhappy there, but I am starting to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so that is helping slightly. I think there are few worse things in a job setting than not knowing what you are doing, unless you are George Castanza. He made the best of it. I am not that easy-going.
One thing about BRU that does have my feathers ruffled, however, is the letter I received in the mail yesterday. It was a letter informing me of the changes to healthcare and instructions on what I am to do regarding the Marketplace and all of that jazz. I would wager that since I got one from both jobs that were pretty much the same thing, you all have received something similar yourselves. The letter itself didn't bother me, until I got to the part that said, "Since the (insert plan here) does not satisfy the minimum benefit requirements....it will be discontinued December 31st." Since the only reason I decided to stay at that hellhole was for the bene's anyway, this kind of sent me into a tizzy. But now I feel kind of locked in there because there have been so many staff changes lately, and they are actually relying on me to do the job of one of the leaders while he is off helping set up a new store down the road, so now that I am part of the team and not just some outsider who was told to "get out" it is going to be a bit harder to leave (plus the extra $200 a month I will get from there is kind of necessary.)
However, once again, WHS is saving the day. I talked to my awesome leader today who told me that in about another month I should be getting paperwork in the mail in order to sign up for benefits through them. It goes by hours worked there and I am definitely meeting the requirement on that front, so I am patiently awaiting that to arrive.
Speaking of hours at WHS, I am working pretty much every day ever there. I love it there, so this is not a bad thing at all. The only downfall is, of course, that it is a bar, so I often get out pretty late and then am due to arrive at BRU at 6 the next morning, so sleep is coming kind of whenever it can. I am finding myself more and more taking naps between jobs, though I am trying to use that time to be productive, since I am already up and out of the house.
I have been hosting a little at WHS, as well as working in the retail store, and I am having a good time doing both. I have only hosted twice, and it is a LOT of running around (I guess that is why I'm called a "runner") but I like being busy because it passes the time, and I like that I get paid to listen to live music and talk to people. I spend the majority of the time that I am not at work home alone, so getting to talk to people is really cool. I have met people from all over the world, and last weekend I met a kid who graduated from the Comm department of MU a few years after me! Today I met a guy from Lindenwold, NJ, and the first day I was working I met two ladies from Franklinville. It has really been so much fun.
I had requested like five days off this weekend, as there was a road trip planned, but that fell through last minute, so I sent my leader a message saying I could pick up shifts if necessary. this afternoon while I was busily dancing around to my headphones and scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, she called to ask me to come in at four. I had no problem with this (yay, OT!!) but since I hadn't planned on going anywhere today and was cleaning the kitchen, I hadn't showered, so my first order of business when I got to work was to buy myself a WHS hat, so now I have my first piece of WHS swag, and I'm sure there will be more to go with it as time rolls on.
I am trying to think if there are things that I can share that are not work related. My parents bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas, so I am super excited about that. I will be home for one week. The majority of that time will be spent with family, obviously, but I will definitely have some free time set aside for friends. I haven't worked out the transportation end of my being home (if i keep banking overtime like this, I'll likely rent a car for the week if I can find a decent price) but i am sure ill find a way to be where i need to be.
Today one of the girls at work asked me if I would like to hang out outside of work and i was scared that i would scare her away with how eagerly i accepted her invitation. One of my biggest concerns living here is the fact that i don't really have any friends yet. I don't have anyone to call up and say "hey, lets go grab coffee" or whatever, and the few times i have made plans with people, they have fallen through. I know that making friends takes time, but it is really frustrating to not have anyone around to talk to, either. My poor BFFF is probably ready to kill me as soon as she sees me because I am constantly bugging her with stuff. I know that is what friends are for and all, but its hard for her, too, because she is so far away and there is nothing that can be done from 806 miles away. So anyway, yay for new friend! and I am hoping that I am able to make a few more in the next few months so that I can balance all of my working with some fun friend hangout time, too.
I had to buy a belt yesterday because even my too-tight jeans are starting to sag a little bit. I kind of want to buy a scale (and was just pricing them online) to see if I am actually losing weight, but I also am afraid that I will buy it, step on it and see that I haven't lost any (or even worse, gained) and will be even more depressed than I already am, and that is just something that no one needs. I am sure we have all been there and its a place that no one wants to be. I just remembered that we can get 50% off WW online through work, so maybe ill look into that. I guess I'll need a scale for that though, huh. Maybe Ill see if there is any room in my monthly budget for going to meetings again.
Oh, so I am working on a budget. I ordered a ledger online and am keeping track of what I am spending and seeing what goes where all month, and then Ill know kind of what I need to make and where I am overspending, so that is pretty cool. So far the neatest thing about it is that I am actually thinking about the purchases I am making, and weighing if the cost is worth the expense. I am more aware of my money and how much is coming in vs. how much is going out, so that is kind of huge. I have always been careless with my money, and I was really hoping that moving out would break me of that. It looks like maybe it is working. This month is going to be a struggle because I am still not entirely sure what is going where, but going forward, I will have a model of what my financial month looks like. I am just amazed at how much writing everything down makes me aware of what is going on. Its like I am an adult or something!
Well anyway, I am sure I have rambled on enough for tonight. I need to try to sleep anyway, since I am getting up early to go to the farmers market with roomie!
So, I did quit BRU, or so I thought. After several e-mails back and forth with the manager, I decided to stay on there, however my availability is only until 10am any day of the week so as to not interfere with the WHS. I ended up taking nearly two weeks off from there, but am slowly getting into a groove and settling in. I am still mostly unhappy there, but I am starting to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so that is helping slightly. I think there are few worse things in a job setting than not knowing what you are doing, unless you are George Castanza. He made the best of it. I am not that easy-going.
One thing about BRU that does have my feathers ruffled, however, is the letter I received in the mail yesterday. It was a letter informing me of the changes to healthcare and instructions on what I am to do regarding the Marketplace and all of that jazz. I would wager that since I got one from both jobs that were pretty much the same thing, you all have received something similar yourselves. The letter itself didn't bother me, until I got to the part that said, "Since the (insert plan here) does not satisfy the minimum benefit requirements....it will be discontinued December 31st." Since the only reason I decided to stay at that hellhole was for the bene's anyway, this kind of sent me into a tizzy. But now I feel kind of locked in there because there have been so many staff changes lately, and they are actually relying on me to do the job of one of the leaders while he is off helping set up a new store down the road, so now that I am part of the team and not just some outsider who was told to "get out" it is going to be a bit harder to leave (plus the extra $200 a month I will get from there is kind of necessary.)
However, once again, WHS is saving the day. I talked to my awesome leader today who told me that in about another month I should be getting paperwork in the mail in order to sign up for benefits through them. It goes by hours worked there and I am definitely meeting the requirement on that front, so I am patiently awaiting that to arrive.
Speaking of hours at WHS, I am working pretty much every day ever there. I love it there, so this is not a bad thing at all. The only downfall is, of course, that it is a bar, so I often get out pretty late and then am due to arrive at BRU at 6 the next morning, so sleep is coming kind of whenever it can. I am finding myself more and more taking naps between jobs, though I am trying to use that time to be productive, since I am already up and out of the house.
I have been hosting a little at WHS, as well as working in the retail store, and I am having a good time doing both. I have only hosted twice, and it is a LOT of running around (I guess that is why I'm called a "runner") but I like being busy because it passes the time, and I like that I get paid to listen to live music and talk to people. I spend the majority of the time that I am not at work home alone, so getting to talk to people is really cool. I have met people from all over the world, and last weekend I met a kid who graduated from the Comm department of MU a few years after me! Today I met a guy from Lindenwold, NJ, and the first day I was working I met two ladies from Franklinville. It has really been so much fun.
I had requested like five days off this weekend, as there was a road trip planned, but that fell through last minute, so I sent my leader a message saying I could pick up shifts if necessary. this afternoon while I was busily dancing around to my headphones and scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, she called to ask me to come in at four. I had no problem with this (yay, OT!!) but since I hadn't planned on going anywhere today and was cleaning the kitchen, I hadn't showered, so my first order of business when I got to work was to buy myself a WHS hat, so now I have my first piece of WHS swag, and I'm sure there will be more to go with it as time rolls on.
I am trying to think if there are things that I can share that are not work related. My parents bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas, so I am super excited about that. I will be home for one week. The majority of that time will be spent with family, obviously, but I will definitely have some free time set aside for friends. I haven't worked out the transportation end of my being home (if i keep banking overtime like this, I'll likely rent a car for the week if I can find a decent price) but i am sure ill find a way to be where i need to be.
Today one of the girls at work asked me if I would like to hang out outside of work and i was scared that i would scare her away with how eagerly i accepted her invitation. One of my biggest concerns living here is the fact that i don't really have any friends yet. I don't have anyone to call up and say "hey, lets go grab coffee" or whatever, and the few times i have made plans with people, they have fallen through. I know that making friends takes time, but it is really frustrating to not have anyone around to talk to, either. My poor BFFF is probably ready to kill me as soon as she sees me because I am constantly bugging her with stuff. I know that is what friends are for and all, but its hard for her, too, because she is so far away and there is nothing that can be done from 806 miles away. So anyway, yay for new friend! and I am hoping that I am able to make a few more in the next few months so that I can balance all of my working with some fun friend hangout time, too.
I had to buy a belt yesterday because even my too-tight jeans are starting to sag a little bit. I kind of want to buy a scale (and was just pricing them online) to see if I am actually losing weight, but I also am afraid that I will buy it, step on it and see that I haven't lost any (or even worse, gained) and will be even more depressed than I already am, and that is just something that no one needs. I am sure we have all been there and its a place that no one wants to be. I just remembered that we can get 50% off WW online through work, so maybe ill look into that. I guess I'll need a scale for that though, huh. Maybe Ill see if there is any room in my monthly budget for going to meetings again.
Oh, so I am working on a budget. I ordered a ledger online and am keeping track of what I am spending and seeing what goes where all month, and then Ill know kind of what I need to make and where I am overspending, so that is pretty cool. So far the neatest thing about it is that I am actually thinking about the purchases I am making, and weighing if the cost is worth the expense. I am more aware of my money and how much is coming in vs. how much is going out, so that is kind of huge. I have always been careless with my money, and I was really hoping that moving out would break me of that. It looks like maybe it is working. This month is going to be a struggle because I am still not entirely sure what is going where, but going forward, I will have a model of what my financial month looks like. I am just amazed at how much writing everything down makes me aware of what is going on. Its like I am an adult or something!
Well anyway, I am sure I have rambled on enough for tonight. I need to try to sleep anyway, since I am getting up early to go to the farmers market with roomie!
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