you've come a long way, baby

a year ago this week, i was in nashville visiting, trying to figure out if i was really, truly doing this, and if so, where in the world we were going to live. 

i was meeting some of my friends here for the first time. i was learning my way around and trying to get the lay of the land. i was on the hunt for a job. 

i moved in august, so i haven't been here quite a year yet, but it's really close. As im sitting here in my kitchen, up later than i should be, i am feeling particularly proud of myself tonight. 

the main goal in mind when moving 801 miles away from everything i knew and everything i loved was to finally be an adult. just because legally i am classified as an adult does not mean i was acting like one. i was letting a lot of things hold me back, and it was absolutely cramping my style. but now here i am, sitting in the kitchen that i pay rent for, after hanging out all day with the friends that i have made, driving around in the car i am paying for with the money im making at my jobs. im working a job that i love that pays shit and a job that i hate (that also pays shit) but that i need to subsidize the income. i am making decisions that im not sure i would have been able to make a year ago. i am doing things, like buying a car, that i KNOW i would not have been able to handle a year ago. 

obviously every day here is not sunshine and rainbows. as a matter of fact, i am just now climbing out of the darkest days i have had in a really long time. totaling my car put me into a super depressive mindset and no matter what i did, i could not get over myself or out of my own head for long enough to see that it was going to be okay. i was a mess and im glad that my friends here stood by me through that because im pretty sure i was no fun at all to be around. 

but i have friends here that will stand by me in shit like that, and that i would do the same for in a heartbeat. i have an amazing "family" here that would give me the shirt off of their backs if i needed it, without my having to ask, and i absolutely would do the same. i know i would not have survived this last year, much less the last two months, without the friends i have made at work. i have made friends at work before, but i have never been in an environment quite like the one i am currently, and i count my lucky stars every day for that. 

and i know that i am not done growing, or growing up. there are some goals that i had set for myself that i have not accomplished yet. some things that i still want to do, but i have time. and i am stronger now than i have ever been, and im gaining every day. 

i finally got to go explore the Parthenon today with a friend of mine, and we were talking about another friend who left to move across the country recently. I stated that moving across the country and starting over has been the best thing i could have ever done for myself. it weeded out a lot of the bad seeds in my life, and the people from home that still remain are the ones that are worth keeping around. im learning things about myself that i never knew, and seeing how much i can do on my own. im also seeing how much i still need my family, and how much it hurts to be so far away from them. ive often thought that the only thing that would make nashville better would be if my family were here. maybe in time...

i dunno what is going to happen next...i am actively looking to make some changes in my life again, shake things up and test myself some more. but if you are reading this and thinking about making a change in your own life, no matter the size, i say do it. what is the point if you arent growing and changing? staying stagnant is no good for anyone, and im glad i finally rid myself of the film i was gathering by not moving. 

pity party.

It's been two weeks since the accident, and I am pretty sure that I have been more insufferable for the past two weeks than i have been for the first 33 years of my life. I can't stand to be around myself right now. At least the crying has mostly stopped, however. Silver lining and all that.

Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.

Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.

My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.

I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.

I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.

I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.

Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?

shit, man. shit.

i am starting to wonder if maybe i am a quitter.

As I am positive you know by now, I totaled my car Monday morning. It was raining, and I was making a left hand turn into the gas station where I work. There was a bus coming, as well as some cars behind it, but they all stopped (in the lane farthest from me, what would be their right lane) so that I could go across. There was no traffic in the left lane. I looked to make sure it was safe, and I guess at the same time as I went across, a lady behind the bus saw no point in sitting there and waiting for me and passed the bus on the right hand side, so that i couldnt see her, and she slammed right into me. The thing is, because I was making a left hand turn and because there is a right-turn lane that starts right about where she passed the bus, I am likely to be found at fault.

Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )

I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.

Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)

I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.

On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.

I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.

And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.

I have no witty title for this post. I am tired and my brain has shut off.

While I have updated in blurbs and blips, I feel like I haven’t really sat down and put my thoughts on the screen in a while, and since I have some down time, it seems like as good a time as any to go for it. I feel like I have several topics to discuss, so I am just going to go with bullet points (number 5 with a bullet, anyone) so that I can at least touch on everything. Or some things, as now that I am sitting down to write I can’t remember what in the world I wanted to talk about. 

~I did finally quit Babies R Us after I came back from Christmas. I ended up just stopping showing up, because since I had tried to quit twice before that and basically was told that I couldn’t quit, I figured this was the only way out. I felt bad because my manager did try very hard to accommodate my needs, but in the end, the place was just too miserable to continue showing up every week. 

~I had a bunch of downtime during the day after Christmas, since the restaurant was only open at night, so I set out looking for a second job. One of the servers helped me out and got me hired at the gas station where she works, but the timing is awful. I started on a thursday. the Saturday following was the day we went back to our regular schedule, and since we are down a retail person, I am working a lot there. I am going to try to make it work because the extra cash is necessary, but I’m worried about how difficult this is going to be. 

~I feel like I have made some actual friends here, so that is good. And I have ridiculous drama, so while I am not a fan of the drama (who are we kidding here, I live on that shit) I am glad that I have people in my life that I feel comfortable enough to dish the dirty details to. And it is really, really nice to be included in the after-work drinks and such. My coworkers are the only people I see, so it’s nice to be included. 

~My brother is getting married over Memorial Day weekend, so I booked a flight earlier this week and will be home for a few days. I have a lot planned already, but if you want to see me, let me know, and we will try to work something out. (So much for not telling anyone when I was coming home again.) 

~I think the weirdest thing about moving and the subsequent changes has been the shift in my priorities. A song popped on in my car the other night as I was driving home from work, and it really got me thinking. The lyrics used to resonate so much inside me, and now those same words barely registered with me. The situation that I was in when I first heard those words is basically just an afterthought at this point, and I never thought I would see that happen. It surprises me every day how much change comes with a change in scenery. 

~I am considering a break from facebook. Looking at it does more harm than good and I am honestly way too addicted to it for my own good. Over the past week I have come across some posts that have hurt my feelings or pissed me off and it’s really not worth getting that upset over bs. The only reason I haven’t taken a break just yet is because I know how much some people rely on it to keep in touch with me. I remember how productive I was when I was off of facebook last summer, and I feel like I could really use some time like that again. Don’t be surprised if you notice I’m gone. And if you are relying on fb to keep in touch and would like alternate means in case I do go away, I will gladly give you my cell phone number. Just ask. 

Well, my computer battery is almost dead and I can’t think of anything else that I need to share right now, so I am going to end here for now. There will likely be more at some point, but who can say, really? 

on hobbies

I was chatting with a coworker in the break room the other night, and the question posed to me was, "what do you do with your spare time?" I realized something very disturbing at that moment-the answer is "nothing." I have spent so long working my ass off, working so many different jobs and so many hours a week, that i have forgotten what it is like to have a hobby.

My sewing machine and some of my craft stuff made it down here in the move, but its sitting in a box in the corner of the living room because i haven't had the spare cash to pick up a table/desk/flat surface in which to set my sewing machine up, and there is nowhere in the house currently that would be suitable. I have a few friends here now, but its nearly impossible to make plans with anyone. I do go out after work sometimes with a few coworkers, but i highly doubt that "going to the bar" or "drinking" are really appropriate answers to that question. I know that I don't WANT those things to be hobbies. I definitely do not mind going out once in a while and having the opportunity to get to know my coworkers outside of the four walls and horse statues that encase us most of the time, but I don't want the drinking or the late nights at the bar to become habit.

Nashville is a pretty thriving city. It's clearly not NYC or Philly, but I love that its a city without being unmanageable. I learned my way around pretty quickly and can navigate myself from here to there with little to no help from google maps these days. You would think that I would be able to find SOMETHING to do to pass the time that I'm not at work, right?

So, I need suggestions. How does one go about finding a new hobby? It's pretty nice outside most days now, so I would definitely like to do something that requires leaving my house. I have considered walking/eventually getting into running, but I have never, ever been a runner, even when I played sports, so I don't know if that is something that I would actually follow through with. I, at some point, will figure out a solution to the sewing machine conundrum so that i can get back to that, because i miss the creative outlet, but i still need something else.

What are your hobbies? how did you get into them? do you think its something that my lazy ass would like? help!!

There is a light that never goes out

In the last entry, I promised that I would try to be more upbeat following that one, and while things aren't all sunshine and rainbows yet, I am in a much better headspace than I have been, so its safe to update again. (yes, even though I am currently listening to The Smiths, I am doing a little bit better.)

I have been hanging out a little bit outside of work, which has been awesome. Last week a whole slew of us went out to celebrate the birthdays of a few co-workers, which was a drunken mess, mostly, but it was really awesome to get to talk to people in a different environment than usual. I mean, work is great and I love it, but there is just a difference when you are with people outside of work. For instance, two people can carry on an entire conversation and not have to stop in the middle of a sentence to help a guest or answer a phone or whatever random other thing pops up to prevent us from really having the chance to bond.

Last night a few of us went bowling, which was also a good time. It was different than when we all went to the bar, though, because at the bar there were like 30 of us or something, and bowling was only a few of us, so it was even easier to talk to each other and hang out. Today my finger hurt in a very particular place, and it took me all night to realize that it was because of the way I was holding the bowling ball last night.

Last week I learned that I have officially achieved full-time status at work (which makes sense since I have been working full-time hours since day one). Yesterday, for the first time ever, I got paid for a holiday without working. I have had jobs that paid time and a half for holidays, but never one that does holiday pay, so that made me pretty happy. Today, I figured out what I needed to do to sign up for health insurance (which was not hard, i just didn't see the message before today), so i'm all squared away and my coverage starts in a few weeks. I am pretty stoked about that.

Like really, very stoked.

This entire move has been an exercise in transition and change, both of which have been historically hard for me to handle. But I think that maybe I am learning that change isn't quite as scary as I had previously believed. Letting go of things that have been holding me back has been more freeing than I can even describe, and it is happening in every facet of my existence. At my core, I am still who I have always been, but that girl is finding her freedom and making herself known, and I think I was keeping a lot of who I am buried under layers of who I used to be. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It is quarter after two in the morning and I am listening to Dustin Kensrue cover Leonard Cohen, so who even knows what is going on right now.

I feel like I have more to say, but I think that is enough introspection for the night. I spent last night curled up watching "Angus" (one of my favorite movies ever. the soundtrack kicks major rear end.) and I think I am going to pick another movie and do the same thing tonight. Really I should just close my eyes and attempt to fall asleep, but I have been so terrible at sleeping lately that I feel like it probably isn't even worth the attempt at this point.

I was actually considering making myself some coffee, but I think that might wake the whole house, and they have to get up for work in a few hours.

livin' the dream, y'all...

i promise that i will post a positive entry soon, and that things aren't as dreadful as the last few posts suggest. I have just needed a place to vent, and this is that place.

but that promise will begin after this entry, because right now im pretty sure we moved to the backwoods or something.

we havent had running water for over 24 hours. i mind, of course, but it didn't bother me so much today as i had nowhere to be, so a shower wasnt high on the list of priorities. however, there are some things that need to be handled, and without getting all sorts of graphic, this is not a very good week to not have running water.

beyond wanting to take a shower, i really just want to be able to flush the dang toilet. seriously. i poured water into the bowl, but i wasnt successful in making it flush.

i would have poured more water in and tried again, but i literally had to pry change out of my (food)lion bank in order to even afford the bottles i ran out to pick up tonight, and didn't really want to go about wasting anymore.

i did, however, go to walmart at midnight, unshowered and in my sweatpants, to pay for bottled water in change, so that was a definite highlight of my life right there.

i contacted the landlord earlier today. he said someone would come out but to my knowledge that didn't happen. roomie said she's calling him tomorrow because this shit is bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S.)

other roomie's boyfriend sent home some bottled water, so we were all able to brush our teeth tonight, which was a definite perk.

the temperature is supposed to get above freezing tomorrow, so if they are just frozen then we should be back in business, however, it is easily 100 degrees in our upstairs (even on these polar frosty nights, i've slept with my window open because of how awful it is up here) so the likelihood of that being the cause of this seems low.

i just pray that i wake up tomorrow to the sound of faucets throughout the house needing to be shut off.

winter wonderland

It's snowing right now, and today's high is 9*.

One of the main reasons I packed up and headed south, away from everything i know and love, was because my body just could not take another jersey winter...seems to be working out really well for me right now, yeah?

I feel like i am at a stalemate with this city. i dont really know how else to describe it. I have been here long enough that i should have made some friends by now. I mean, i certainly have people that i am friendly with, but as we are getting snowed in, one roomie is in NYC with a group of friends and the other is with her friend, so im sitting here alone. i dont mind being alone, i have gotten very good at it, but the hope was that after being here a few months, id have people in my life so that i wouldnt have to be here alone.

i think the friendship thing is really my only issue with living here, and if im being totally honest with myself, i was having friendship issues when i was still in jersey, too. I mean yes, my most recent trip home was spent trying to divide time among all of the people that wanted to see me, and i did not get to see everyone that i wanted to see, however for months and months before i left, i recall struggling to find people that had time to see me most days, so it wasnt really too far off from what im dealing with here.

one of the most difficult things about trying to form friendships here is that because i work in a bar/restaurant, i work weird hours. i was recently trying to make plans with someone, and im only available during the daytime on weekdays, so if someone works a "banker's hours" job, i will very rarely be able to make plans with them.

i love living in nashville. i love my job. i just wish i could figure out how to have a life outside of that job. im kind of ready to throw in the towel on this whole adventure and just go back to jersey when my lease is up. at least when i was at home and had no one to hang out with, my parents were around.