There is a light that never goes out

In the last entry, I promised that I would try to be more upbeat following that one, and while things aren't all sunshine and rainbows yet, I am in a much better headspace than I have been, so its safe to update again. (yes, even though I am currently listening to The Smiths, I am doing a little bit better.)

I have been hanging out a little bit outside of work, which has been awesome. Last week a whole slew of us went out to celebrate the birthdays of a few co-workers, which was a drunken mess, mostly, but it was really awesome to get to talk to people in a different environment than usual. I mean, work is great and I love it, but there is just a difference when you are with people outside of work. For instance, two people can carry on an entire conversation and not have to stop in the middle of a sentence to help a guest or answer a phone or whatever random other thing pops up to prevent us from really having the chance to bond.

Last night a few of us went bowling, which was also a good time. It was different than when we all went to the bar, though, because at the bar there were like 30 of us or something, and bowling was only a few of us, so it was even easier to talk to each other and hang out. Today my finger hurt in a very particular place, and it took me all night to realize that it was because of the way I was holding the bowling ball last night.

Last week I learned that I have officially achieved full-time status at work (which makes sense since I have been working full-time hours since day one). Yesterday, for the first time ever, I got paid for a holiday without working. I have had jobs that paid time and a half for holidays, but never one that does holiday pay, so that made me pretty happy. Today, I figured out what I needed to do to sign up for health insurance (which was not hard, i just didn't see the message before today), so i'm all squared away and my coverage starts in a few weeks. I am pretty stoked about that.

Like really, very stoked.

This entire move has been an exercise in transition and change, both of which have been historically hard for me to handle. But I think that maybe I am learning that change isn't quite as scary as I had previously believed. Letting go of things that have been holding me back has been more freeing than I can even describe, and it is happening in every facet of my existence. At my core, I am still who I have always been, but that girl is finding her freedom and making herself known, and I think I was keeping a lot of who I am buried under layers of who I used to be. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It is quarter after two in the morning and I am listening to Dustin Kensrue cover Leonard Cohen, so who even knows what is going on right now.

I feel like I have more to say, but I think that is enough introspection for the night. I spent last night curled up watching "Angus" (one of my favorite movies ever. the soundtrack kicks major rear end.) and I think I am going to pick another movie and do the same thing tonight. Really I should just close my eyes and attempt to fall asleep, but I have been so terrible at sleeping lately that I feel like it probably isn't even worth the attempt at this point.

I was actually considering making myself some coffee, but I think that might wake the whole house, and they have to get up for work in a few hours.

livin' the dream, y'all...

i promise that i will post a positive entry soon, and that things aren't as dreadful as the last few posts suggest. I have just needed a place to vent, and this is that place.

but that promise will begin after this entry, because right now im pretty sure we moved to the backwoods or something.

we havent had running water for over 24 hours. i mind, of course, but it didn't bother me so much today as i had nowhere to be, so a shower wasnt high on the list of priorities. however, there are some things that need to be handled, and without getting all sorts of graphic, this is not a very good week to not have running water.

beyond wanting to take a shower, i really just want to be able to flush the dang toilet. seriously. i poured water into the bowl, but i wasnt successful in making it flush.

i would have poured more water in and tried again, but i literally had to pry change out of my (food)lion bank in order to even afford the bottles i ran out to pick up tonight, and didn't really want to go about wasting anymore.

i did, however, go to walmart at midnight, unshowered and in my sweatpants, to pay for bottled water in change, so that was a definite highlight of my life right there.

i contacted the landlord earlier today. he said someone would come out but to my knowledge that didn't happen. roomie said she's calling him tomorrow because this shit is bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S.)

other roomie's boyfriend sent home some bottled water, so we were all able to brush our teeth tonight, which was a definite perk.

the temperature is supposed to get above freezing tomorrow, so if they are just frozen then we should be back in business, however, it is easily 100 degrees in our upstairs (even on these polar frosty nights, i've slept with my window open because of how awful it is up here) so the likelihood of that being the cause of this seems low.

i just pray that i wake up tomorrow to the sound of faucets throughout the house needing to be shut off.

winter wonderland

It's snowing right now, and today's high is 9*.

One of the main reasons I packed up and headed south, away from everything i know and love, was because my body just could not take another jersey winter...seems to be working out really well for me right now, yeah?

I feel like i am at a stalemate with this city. i dont really know how else to describe it. I have been here long enough that i should have made some friends by now. I mean, i certainly have people that i am friendly with, but as we are getting snowed in, one roomie is in NYC with a group of friends and the other is with her friend, so im sitting here alone. i dont mind being alone, i have gotten very good at it, but the hope was that after being here a few months, id have people in my life so that i wouldnt have to be here alone.

i think the friendship thing is really my only issue with living here, and if im being totally honest with myself, i was having friendship issues when i was still in jersey, too. I mean yes, my most recent trip home was spent trying to divide time among all of the people that wanted to see me, and i did not get to see everyone that i wanted to see, however for months and months before i left, i recall struggling to find people that had time to see me most days, so it wasnt really too far off from what im dealing with here.

one of the most difficult things about trying to form friendships here is that because i work in a bar/restaurant, i work weird hours. i was recently trying to make plans with someone, and im only available during the daytime on weekdays, so if someone works a "banker's hours" job, i will very rarely be able to make plans with them.

i love living in nashville. i love my job. i just wish i could figure out how to have a life outside of that job. im kind of ready to throw in the towel on this whole adventure and just go back to jersey when my lease is up. at least when i was at home and had no one to hang out with, my parents were around.