i am starting to wonder if maybe i am a quitter.

As I am positive you know by now, I totaled my car Monday morning. It was raining, and I was making a left hand turn into the gas station where I work. There was a bus coming, as well as some cars behind it, but they all stopped (in the lane farthest from me, what would be their right lane) so that I could go across. There was no traffic in the left lane. I looked to make sure it was safe, and I guess at the same time as I went across, a lady behind the bus saw no point in sitting there and waiting for me and passed the bus on the right hand side, so that i couldnt see her, and she slammed right into me. The thing is, because I was making a left hand turn and because there is a right-turn lane that starts right about where she passed the bus, I am likely to be found at fault.

Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )

I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.

Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)

I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.

On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.

I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.

And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.