stressed

I told AM over the weekend that things were going too smoothly in regards to this whole move, and that I was just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I was waiting for something to go wrong (waiting for familiar resolve...) and it was kind of making me nervous that up to this point nothing had.

Today I am so stressed out about the move and everything else that I am nearly paralyzed with anxiety. S texted me last night that school starts down there on August first. I was working under the assumption that I would have more time in August, but it appears that is not the case. I guess if I am subbing its not that big a deal, but if I want a more permanent position in the school district, I am going to have to wait a year to find one, which really sucks. I guess I could head down there early, but I am not ready for that, and since we dont have a place yet, and we wont until then, itll be tight living for a while, and I am not sure that I am okay with that, either.

There are some job issues up here, too, but I care not to talk about them until I get that straight. I am not happy right now, though, for sure.

I have been saying this all along, but I really just want us to find a place. Once we have a place I feel like I can make actual concrete plans concerning work and the move and everything else.

Here's hoping that some positive comes from my trip down there this week (which i still havent even bothered packing for.)

little by little

I don't know if i have mentioned it yet in this blog, but I am flying down to Nashville next week to hopefully sign on a place, or at least look at some, and to get somewhere on the job application front. It will be good to know what schools i will be living nearest too so that I can fine tune my searches a little bit. I am definitely excited to get down there and start really mapping things out.

Also, a friend of mine had a bed available that is just collecting dust, so she offered it to me for the move. I talked to my mom about that, explaining that i wanted to leave my current bed here for when i come home to visit, and she understood that, so i am leaving my bed and taking this new bed. I definitely need to rent a van now though. but that is okay.

i keep telling people that i am not worried, and i am not. that is the truth. the road cant be smooth sailing because that would be too easy. there has to be rough patches, and i know that, so i don't let that stuff shake me. i was ready to throw in the towel because i was so against the house, but things worked out so that i didn't have to do that. as long as i keep doing what i am supposed to, things will be fine.

getting my crap from here to there.

A few of my friends have made big moves across the country lately, so I have been asking them how they went about it. The most common response was "I only took clothes." I can't see myself taking just my clothes. My records need to make the trip, but I guess I could get a new all-in-one player when i get down there. My kitchenaid needs to make the trip, but that wont take up much space. I bought my laptop so that my TV and VCR/DVD player didn't have to make the trip. I could probably get by with minimal DVDs and netflix. Most of my Cd's are already ripped to my laptop, and I could probably get the rest ripped before I go...

I priced PODS and other assorted "you fill it, we move it" boxes today. DAMN. some were as much as 1600 for the move. NO THANK YOU. If I move my bed and stuff, or if i take the bedroom set that was offered to me today, which i kind of really want to do, because that solves a few issues, I think my best bet is renting a van. Whatever I do isn't going to be cheap, and I know that, but i don't want this move to break me, either.

Does anyone feel like driving down and back with me in August? that would make things way easier.

Its getting real.

AHH.

Today, after dragging my feet about it, and after a much-needed kick in the ass from my good buddy AM, I booked my plane ticket to head down to Nashville for six days to meet the roommate that I don't yet know, and so that the three of us can apartment hunt. I am hoping that we find something while I am there and that aspect is settled, BUT I also know that June and August are a ways apart in terms of leases.

I am having a bit of an issue with "cold feet" (and not just because I had my A/C set far too low) so I am hoping that this trip settles that fear. Any big change is going to come with a lot of second-guessing and this is most certainly no exception. I just have to keep the end goal in mind and remember that this IS what I want. This isn't anyone else telling me what to do. I want this. I have wanted this since college. (Does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? because I think I kind of am.)

Now, the real question...can I pack for six days in a carry-on bag?

feelings.

I have tried writing about this a few times now, but it always starts to sound snarky or whiny, and i am not trying to really convey either of those emotions. the whole point of this journal, though, was to deal with all the elements of transplanting yourself, and emotions are a large part of picking up and moving, so I feel like its is more of a disservice to ignore this than it is to address it.

People do weird things when you tell them you are packing up your shit and taking off for good. Some people decide that they want to spend every free moment that they can with you, and others just back off totally. I guess the mentality behind the latter is that if someone is going to leave, its just easier to be the one to leave first. Lord knows I've done that a few times, and I cant or wont fault anyone that I notice doing that to me. I totally get it.

But what do I do about the friend that dropped me before I told anyone that I was leaving for good. We had been friends for quite a while and just out of the blue this friend stopped answering my phone calls, text messages, etc, and has made it quite clear that she is done with me. I have no idea what I did wrong. I mostly don't care, but I just thought that a friendship of an extended length was worthy of more than just falling off the face of the earth.

When one of my kids at school comes to me to tell me that so-and-so doesn't want to be friends anymore, my general advice to them is simply, "too bad for them. you rule. lets find you someone that wants to be friends." Easy enough, and I have plenty of friends that have made time for me. I actually don't even care that much when all is said and done that this one dropped me, but there is still something about it that doesn't sit right with me.

Yes, my feelings are hurt. Even at 33, we still get upset over other people's nonsense. I am pretty sure that is part of human nature and it is going to happen forever. But its not like I'm sitting at home pouting over it. I have plenty of people in my life that want to be there, and that I don't have to fight to keep around.

What it boils down to, I think, is that I hated not being able to tell this friend that I was leaving, because I still think, whether she does or not, that 20+ years of friendship deserves that kind of respect. More than that, though, I think I am worried for her. I am worried that she is going to wake up one day and want to reconcile and I wont be around. I mean, my phone will still work, but will I answer? or will I be too busy in my new adventures to have time. I don't want her to regret not being around when I was still around.

I guess, though, if she dropped me like a bad habit then she probably wont care, right?

I cant waste any more of my time on that. I got it out onto "paper" and that is that.

Am I wrong for no longer wanting to try to make contact with someone who evidently does not want contact to be made?

housing stuff

Sandrene and Kelsey did a walk-through of the house yesterday. We were supposed to facetime so that i could see what they were seeing, but due to some technical difficulties, i just saw pictures.

I promise that I tried to keep an open mind because even though I really didn't like the idea of five girls in a four bedroom house, Sandrene through it would be a good situation, and she seemed to be really into the whole idea. I was not impressed with what I saw, though. The patio was fantastic, but the rest of the house looked like we would be constantly stepping on top of each other. I briefly shared my views and was told that we will talk about it but that they kind of felt that it wasn't a good fit either.

I am going to go down there in a few weeks so that we can try to apartment hunt a little as a trio, plus it would probably be a good idea to meet Kelsey at some point, since I am committing to living with her for the foreseeable future.

I realize, obviously, that all of this takes time, but I am so ready to find a place and move and get started on the next chapter of my life.

I cant help but hear that Colin Hay song playing in my mind, "Waiting for my real life to begin." Damn, I love Colin Hay.

this is the crap that makes me crazy

when i got home today, i happened to notice two of my little wooden boxes on the front window cill. i knew at that point that my mom had been in my room going through my stuff, but decided i wasnt going to get pissed, because whatever. (i have a bunch of shit stored in my old bedroom. i also have a really fucking hard time with people touching my shit. like it makes me totally crazy.)

so i came up to my bedroom to put some stuff down, since i had just gotten home from work, and fucking tripped over a pair of flip flops that i havent worn in years, that someone took from the shoe holder that i have hanging in my old room and stuck right the fuck in front of my door.

i am sitting here fuming right now because i cant say anything to her at all without her getting all crazy, but if the shoe was on the other foot, shed destroy me.

i want to scream. a lot. or put my foot through a wall.

ill be out in fucking three months, and so will all my shit. just give me a fucking break.

meh.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table listening to a led zepplin playlist on spotify, surrounded by my end of the year gifts to my kids. This is what I am having the hardest time with; leaving those munchkins. I am obviously well aware that I can't hang around for other people's kids (unless, of course, the money was right) because its not like they would hang around based on me, and I know there will be more kids to connect with wherever I end up, but these were my first kids, so that is I think what is really bothering me.

I KNOW I am going to cry when I leave on Thursday.

I have pretty strong bonds with some of these kids and its going to be tough to leave that behind.

Alright. I have to clean this mess up and go to bed. My car is in the shop AGAIN so I have to go to work early tomorrow, with my momma.