feelings.

I have tried writing about this a few times now, but it always starts to sound snarky or whiny, and i am not trying to really convey either of those emotions. the whole point of this journal, though, was to deal with all the elements of transplanting yourself, and emotions are a large part of picking up and moving, so I feel like its is more of a disservice to ignore this than it is to address it.

People do weird things when you tell them you are packing up your shit and taking off for good. Some people decide that they want to spend every free moment that they can with you, and others just back off totally. I guess the mentality behind the latter is that if someone is going to leave, its just easier to be the one to leave first. Lord knows I've done that a few times, and I cant or wont fault anyone that I notice doing that to me. I totally get it.

But what do I do about the friend that dropped me before I told anyone that I was leaving for good. We had been friends for quite a while and just out of the blue this friend stopped answering my phone calls, text messages, etc, and has made it quite clear that she is done with me. I have no idea what I did wrong. I mostly don't care, but I just thought that a friendship of an extended length was worthy of more than just falling off the face of the earth.

When one of my kids at school comes to me to tell me that so-and-so doesn't want to be friends anymore, my general advice to them is simply, "too bad for them. you rule. lets find you someone that wants to be friends." Easy enough, and I have plenty of friends that have made time for me. I actually don't even care that much when all is said and done that this one dropped me, but there is still something about it that doesn't sit right with me.

Yes, my feelings are hurt. Even at 33, we still get upset over other people's nonsense. I am pretty sure that is part of human nature and it is going to happen forever. But its not like I'm sitting at home pouting over it. I have plenty of people in my life that want to be there, and that I don't have to fight to keep around.

What it boils down to, I think, is that I hated not being able to tell this friend that I was leaving, because I still think, whether she does or not, that 20+ years of friendship deserves that kind of respect. More than that, though, I think I am worried for her. I am worried that she is going to wake up one day and want to reconcile and I wont be around. I mean, my phone will still work, but will I answer? or will I be too busy in my new adventures to have time. I don't want her to regret not being around when I was still around.

I guess, though, if she dropped me like a bad habit then she probably wont care, right?

I cant waste any more of my time on that. I got it out onto "paper" and that is that.

Am I wrong for no longer wanting to try to make contact with someone who evidently does not want contact to be made?