I talked about my going-away party and how happy I was that people came out to see me off, and I really was and am. This isn't to take anything away from that, it is just where I am tonight. The purpose of this whole blog adventure was to document my feelings, and I am going to do that, quite possibly at the risk of offending others. Oh well. I generally don't hold back when I have something to say.
Tonight I had dinner with my meggers, and then met up later with my friend Nicole for ice cream. Both had plans the night of the party and couldn't make it that night, but wanted to see me before I left, and both reached out to me to make that happen. I love both of these ladies and was willing to take time away from packing and whatever else I had going on today (let's be honest...I was playing Candy Crush anyway) to see them because they wanted to see me.
My leaving is not a secret, though I really wanted to sneak off into the night and disappear, reemerging in my new home and that would have been the end of it. However, that is not the proper way to do things, so I have given ample opportunity to see everyone that wanted to see me before I left. For good.
Yes, I will be home again around Christmas, God willing, but if anyone out there thinks that I will have time for them then, especially if they didn't make time now, they will be surprised. Christmas is a hectic time of the year as it is, and I have a big family who I know I am going to miss like crazy and am going to want to be with them as much as I can while I can. I have friends that have been with me through every step of the way on this journey; friends that I am struggling to say goodbye to. I will want to spend time catching up with them. I have a dear friend who is moving closer to me as I am moving away, and we already have plans to see each other over Christmas break, and I will keep those plans because knowing that is happening will be the only way that I am going to survive the limited contact I will have with him until then.
Now I am surely not so conceited as to think that every facebook friend; every twitter friend; everyone who is reading this blog right now should drop everything and come see me. As a matter of fact, it's too late. I have plans tomorrow and I leave after that. I think. But I am really annoyed that people who claim to be close to me haven't made time over the past few months.
Alas, life gets in the way. People who you have been best friends with since fifth grade mysteriously drop you for no reason, and the first text you get from them in months is forced by a mutual friend, and just says "i have plans. good luck." That is life. Friendships are only supposed to have a life-span of 5-7 years, so I guess one that lasted over 20 had outlived its lifespan. I am thankful for the friends that I do have that haven't dropped me like a bad habit over literally nothing. I am thankful for the friends that made an attempt to see me before I left.
I realize that I am probably coming off like a spoiled brat in this post, but this has been bothering me for a few days now. I refuse to apologize for feeling like this, though. These are my feelings. I own them, and I will put them down in this blog, because this is all part of the moving process. This is the moving ON process.
For a long time, I have been considering chopping my "friends list" on fb when I move. It is possible. I have also considered changing my telephone number when I upgrade my phone, but again, I don't know if I will. If, though, I do make any changes, those people that have attempted to remain in my life will still be there.
Cutting ties is a slippery slope.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Coffee in the middle of the night is probably a terrible idea, but here we are...
I was chastised recently for not updating enough. I think I update as often as I should, which is whenever I actually have something to say, but that is not good enough for everyone, I guess. It is a good thing I have something to say today.
Yesterday was my going-away party.
I had a really nice time. I thought I was going to be more emotional, as well as more freaked out by the demands of being the recipient of a party, but I started in on the "social lubricant" early, and the only people that came by were people that I really wanted to see (IE: family and my closest friends) so those things helped a lot. We had a lot of food, and a lot of food left over, so my parents and I will be eating tacos until we leave for Nashville.
Not that I had the party for gifts, but I did make out pretty well. I have lots of wine to christen the new house with (though I likely won't share the Jersey Blueberry from Heritage, because i'm greedy :) ) as well as some cash and stuff to furnish the new place. Oh, and I also got ADORABLE Lennox owl salt and pepper shakers, which I just love. My first Lennox, and its owls, so I am psyched.
Also, I only teared up once, which is pretty impressive. I don't like opening gifts in front of people, which again goes back to being the center of attention, but before they left, my BFFF's daughter wanted to see me open the stuff that they brought, and who am I to deny a 10 year old? I was reading the card and was glad that it was dark. The dumbest things set me off, and in this case it was something that my BFFF's boyfriend wrote in the card. So random, you know?
Of course, after everyone left, and after we cleaned up most of the mess (throwing a party is a messy affair) I tore into everything, and the card that my baby brother and his wife gave me also made me cry. And then I cried at more or less everything after that. I am a sap, and I am not afraid to admit it.
In other news, I figured out the solution to the issue of how to get my bed down there, so while it delays my leaving by at least a few days (I actually intended to leave today, but instead am sitting in my kitchen at 11 at night blogging and drinking coffee) I am happy for the help.
Packing is still tedious. I still have too much shit, and am still too emotionally attached to throw anything away. At least I am okay with leaving a lot of stuff behind in the attic at my parents' house until I come home later, and can go through it again and throw stuff away at a later date. What I actually foresee happening is my mom throwing stuff away on a tangent and my not knowing any better. She already threw away a lot of my stuff that was in the attic, and I still lived here at that point.
I did order the bed set that I have had my eye on, though, so that should be at my house either when I arrive or soon thereafter. And it was on sale, which rules. I went to the mall today to buy it, but it wasn't on sale at the actual store, only online. I hate that nonsense, but I decided (once I figured out exactly where to have it shipped as we don't have a mailbox set up yet) that it is fine that it is meeting me down there, as that it one less thing to have to pack and then unpack.
So, rent is paid, all of my bills have been notified of my new address, and I bought car insurance today. The only thing left to do is finish packing and get my butt down to Nashville!
Yesterday was my going-away party.
I had a really nice time. I thought I was going to be more emotional, as well as more freaked out by the demands of being the recipient of a party, but I started in on the "social lubricant" early, and the only people that came by were people that I really wanted to see (IE: family and my closest friends) so those things helped a lot. We had a lot of food, and a lot of food left over, so my parents and I will be eating tacos until we leave for Nashville.
Not that I had the party for gifts, but I did make out pretty well. I have lots of wine to christen the new house with (though I likely won't share the Jersey Blueberry from Heritage, because i'm greedy :) ) as well as some cash and stuff to furnish the new place. Oh, and I also got ADORABLE Lennox owl salt and pepper shakers, which I just love. My first Lennox, and its owls, so I am psyched.
Also, I only teared up once, which is pretty impressive. I don't like opening gifts in front of people, which again goes back to being the center of attention, but before they left, my BFFF's daughter wanted to see me open the stuff that they brought, and who am I to deny a 10 year old? I was reading the card and was glad that it was dark. The dumbest things set me off, and in this case it was something that my BFFF's boyfriend wrote in the card. So random, you know?
Of course, after everyone left, and after we cleaned up most of the mess (throwing a party is a messy affair) I tore into everything, and the card that my baby brother and his wife gave me also made me cry. And then I cried at more or less everything after that. I am a sap, and I am not afraid to admit it.
In other news, I figured out the solution to the issue of how to get my bed down there, so while it delays my leaving by at least a few days (I actually intended to leave today, but instead am sitting in my kitchen at 11 at night blogging and drinking coffee) I am happy for the help.
Packing is still tedious. I still have too much shit, and am still too emotionally attached to throw anything away. At least I am okay with leaving a lot of stuff behind in the attic at my parents' house until I come home later, and can go through it again and throw stuff away at a later date. What I actually foresee happening is my mom throwing stuff away on a tangent and my not knowing any better. She already threw away a lot of my stuff that was in the attic, and I still lived here at that point.
I did order the bed set that I have had my eye on, though, so that should be at my house either when I arrive or soon thereafter. And it was on sale, which rules. I went to the mall today to buy it, but it wasn't on sale at the actual store, only online. I hate that nonsense, but I decided (once I figured out exactly where to have it shipped as we don't have a mailbox set up yet) that it is fine that it is meeting me down there, as that it one less thing to have to pack and then unpack.
So, rent is paid, all of my bills have been notified of my new address, and I bought car insurance today. The only thing left to do is finish packing and get my butt down to Nashville!
Monday, July 22, 2013
I knew it was just a matter of time...
As i was falling asleep last night, the negative thoughts about all of this finally started seeping through. One of my last thoughts before falling asleep (or maybe it was my dream...im not sure at this point) was that I am not going to make any friends down there and that this is the stupidest thing i have ever done.
i have been walking around all day feeling exactly that way.
what the hell am i doing?
I can't pack. I just cant. I cannot put my life into boxes and figure out what i might need and what can wait here for me, and what what stuff i have collected over time that i am willing to trash or donate. i cant.
deep breaths.
I can do this. i can do this and i will be fine.
I knew when i started this blog that i would have days like this, and that is what i wanted to document. this isnt all a cakewalk. i am definitely struggling with some doubts lately. I am definitely letting the negative thoughts take over. I cant let that happen, though. i have to regain control and remain positive.
I am struggling to figure out how to get my rent money to my roommate in Nashville. I should have worked on this sooner but life has done what it does best and gotten in the way, so now she needs the money tomorrow and there is no easy way to do it.
I am sure this is just a temporary glitch in the system. at least i hope it is because this is not okay.
i have been walking around all day feeling exactly that way.
what the hell am i doing?
I can't pack. I just cant. I cannot put my life into boxes and figure out what i might need and what can wait here for me, and what what stuff i have collected over time that i am willing to trash or donate. i cant.
deep breaths.
I can do this. i can do this and i will be fine.
I knew when i started this blog that i would have days like this, and that is what i wanted to document. this isnt all a cakewalk. i am definitely struggling with some doubts lately. I am definitely letting the negative thoughts take over. I cant let that happen, though. i have to regain control and remain positive.
I am struggling to figure out how to get my rent money to my roommate in Nashville. I should have worked on this sooner but life has done what it does best and gotten in the way, so now she needs the money tomorrow and there is no easy way to do it.
I am sure this is just a temporary glitch in the system. at least i hope it is because this is not okay.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
"'cause i can guarantee things are sweeter in Tennessee."
our lease was approved. we get the keys on tuesday. 113 Northcrest Commons is officially home.
still working out the whole "getting my crap there" issue. might have a solution. if not, i know what i have to do. i just dont want to spend the entire month of august moving.
i guess that all means i should get moving on the packing front. i have not done much at all. i am a procrastinator, for sure. instead, though, of course, i am sitting in bed writing this and updating my phone, and then in a little while i am leaving to drive to a free concert and get wafflehouse.
i have been really up in the air about having a going away party, but decided that since mom offered, id go ahead and do it. im already frustrated with it, and told LB last night that i kind of want to cancel it, but i wont. i am just not really up for the stress or the frustration. i am doing this for everyone else.
i feel like a lot of the feelings that i am having are not ones that i should put down in writing, for fear of hurting others' feelings, even though mine are pretty hurt right now. no matter, though. i know who has my back and that is what matters. my true friends will stick by me through the move and all, and they are the ones that matter.
i need to collect the furniture that has been donated to the cause at some point this week. ill make phone calls tomorrow, i guess.
today's dilemma~what do i do with my show posters? i have a bunch of lithographs and im not sure if i should take them or not. id like to frame them but that will get expensive fast. hmm...
Friday, July 12, 2013
update.
I realized that I haven't updated this blog in a while, and since I have been down to Nashville and am in the depths of the cleaning/packing process, I thought I should take some time to do that now.
I guess the most important thing to share is that we potentially found a place. I was concerned that our demands were going to be too hard to meet, but we found a three-bedroom, 2 &1/2 bathroom, large-kitchened townhouse that is close to what we need and decently priced. It was actually the first place that all three roomies saw together (Sandrene and Kelsey had looked at a few before I went down there, and Sandrene and I had seen one earlier that day) which I thought was pretty special. We are waiting on a few things, but it's all looking like a go, so we should have our lease signed and the keys in hand within the next week or two.
I should probably share pictures, but they are on my phone and I'm feeling really lazy currently. If you would like to see them, let me know and I will share them at some point.
Now I am down to the wire with packing (which I am not really getting very far in doing) and with making arrangements, and it is starting to freak me out a little bit. Mostly, I am still very calm about the entire move but little details are starting to make me sweat a little bit.
Although, once again, I received what I take as a sign that it is all going to be alright, and that God has all of this under control.
It occurred to me very recently that what I am doing might be viewed by some as totally insane. I quit all of my jobs to move away from my friends and family and start over. This is kind of the only thing I have ever really wanted to do, so I don't find it crazy at all, but I do worry slightly about the financial aspect, especially for the summer while I am not working. I had a sudden, overwhelming feeling of dread when I realized that I am going to be living for at least a few months with no income. That is scary.
Then on facebook (oh, facebook, how many jobs have landed in my lap because of you) yesterday a friend of mine posted that a friend of hers was in a bind and needed someone to nanny her two girls for the next two weeks. I met the mom and the girls today, and I will be taking the job. This will lead right up to the weekend that will be my last here, but it will be good for me to have income and stability in my schedule, and it helps her out because she was totally stuck. I like when things pan out, and I take this as a sign from God that it's all good.
We are really getting down to the wire now.
I guess the most important thing to share is that we potentially found a place. I was concerned that our demands were going to be too hard to meet, but we found a three-bedroom, 2 &1/2 bathroom, large-kitchened townhouse that is close to what we need and decently priced. It was actually the first place that all three roomies saw together (Sandrene and Kelsey had looked at a few before I went down there, and Sandrene and I had seen one earlier that day) which I thought was pretty special. We are waiting on a few things, but it's all looking like a go, so we should have our lease signed and the keys in hand within the next week or two.
I should probably share pictures, but they are on my phone and I'm feeling really lazy currently. If you would like to see them, let me know and I will share them at some point.
Now I am down to the wire with packing (which I am not really getting very far in doing) and with making arrangements, and it is starting to freak me out a little bit. Mostly, I am still very calm about the entire move but little details are starting to make me sweat a little bit.
Although, once again, I received what I take as a sign that it is all going to be alright, and that God has all of this under control.
It occurred to me very recently that what I am doing might be viewed by some as totally insane. I quit all of my jobs to move away from my friends and family and start over. This is kind of the only thing I have ever really wanted to do, so I don't find it crazy at all, but I do worry slightly about the financial aspect, especially for the summer while I am not working. I had a sudden, overwhelming feeling of dread when I realized that I am going to be living for at least a few months with no income. That is scary.
Then on facebook (oh, facebook, how many jobs have landed in my lap because of you) yesterday a friend of mine posted that a friend of hers was in a bind and needed someone to nanny her two girls for the next two weeks. I met the mom and the girls today, and I will be taking the job. This will lead right up to the weekend that will be my last here, but it will be good for me to have income and stability in my schedule, and it helps her out because she was totally stuck. I like when things pan out, and I take this as a sign from God that it's all good.
We are really getting down to the wire now.
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