I have no witty title for this post. I am tired and my brain has shut off.

While I have updated in blurbs and blips, I feel like I haven’t really sat down and put my thoughts on the screen in a while, and since I have some down time, it seems like as good a time as any to go for it. I feel like I have several topics to discuss, so I am just going to go with bullet points (number 5 with a bullet, anyone) so that I can at least touch on everything. Or some things, as now that I am sitting down to write I can’t remember what in the world I wanted to talk about. 

~I did finally quit Babies R Us after I came back from Christmas. I ended up just stopping showing up, because since I had tried to quit twice before that and basically was told that I couldn’t quit, I figured this was the only way out. I felt bad because my manager did try very hard to accommodate my needs, but in the end, the place was just too miserable to continue showing up every week. 

~I had a bunch of downtime during the day after Christmas, since the restaurant was only open at night, so I set out looking for a second job. One of the servers helped me out and got me hired at the gas station where she works, but the timing is awful. I started on a thursday. the Saturday following was the day we went back to our regular schedule, and since we are down a retail person, I am working a lot there. I am going to try to make it work because the extra cash is necessary, but I’m worried about how difficult this is going to be. 

~I feel like I have made some actual friends here, so that is good. And I have ridiculous drama, so while I am not a fan of the drama (who are we kidding here, I live on that shit) I am glad that I have people in my life that I feel comfortable enough to dish the dirty details to. And it is really, really nice to be included in the after-work drinks and such. My coworkers are the only people I see, so it’s nice to be included. 

~My brother is getting married over Memorial Day weekend, so I booked a flight earlier this week and will be home for a few days. I have a lot planned already, but if you want to see me, let me know, and we will try to work something out. (So much for not telling anyone when I was coming home again.) 

~I think the weirdest thing about moving and the subsequent changes has been the shift in my priorities. A song popped on in my car the other night as I was driving home from work, and it really got me thinking. The lyrics used to resonate so much inside me, and now those same words barely registered with me. The situation that I was in when I first heard those words is basically just an afterthought at this point, and I never thought I would see that happen. It surprises me every day how much change comes with a change in scenery. 

~I am considering a break from facebook. Looking at it does more harm than good and I am honestly way too addicted to it for my own good. Over the past week I have come across some posts that have hurt my feelings or pissed me off and it’s really not worth getting that upset over bs. The only reason I haven’t taken a break just yet is because I know how much some people rely on it to keep in touch with me. I remember how productive I was when I was off of facebook last summer, and I feel like I could really use some time like that again. Don’t be surprised if you notice I’m gone. And if you are relying on fb to keep in touch and would like alternate means in case I do go away, I will gladly give you my cell phone number. Just ask. 

Well, my computer battery is almost dead and I can’t think of anything else that I need to share right now, so I am going to end here for now. There will likely be more at some point, but who can say, really? 

on hobbies

I was chatting with a coworker in the break room the other night, and the question posed to me was, "what do you do with your spare time?" I realized something very disturbing at that moment-the answer is "nothing." I have spent so long working my ass off, working so many different jobs and so many hours a week, that i have forgotten what it is like to have a hobby.

My sewing machine and some of my craft stuff made it down here in the move, but its sitting in a box in the corner of the living room because i haven't had the spare cash to pick up a table/desk/flat surface in which to set my sewing machine up, and there is nowhere in the house currently that would be suitable. I have a few friends here now, but its nearly impossible to make plans with anyone. I do go out after work sometimes with a few coworkers, but i highly doubt that "going to the bar" or "drinking" are really appropriate answers to that question. I know that I don't WANT those things to be hobbies. I definitely do not mind going out once in a while and having the opportunity to get to know my coworkers outside of the four walls and horse statues that encase us most of the time, but I don't want the drinking or the late nights at the bar to become habit.

Nashville is a pretty thriving city. It's clearly not NYC or Philly, but I love that its a city without being unmanageable. I learned my way around pretty quickly and can navigate myself from here to there with little to no help from google maps these days. You would think that I would be able to find SOMETHING to do to pass the time that I'm not at work, right?

So, I need suggestions. How does one go about finding a new hobby? It's pretty nice outside most days now, so I would definitely like to do something that requires leaving my house. I have considered walking/eventually getting into running, but I have never, ever been a runner, even when I played sports, so I don't know if that is something that I would actually follow through with. I, at some point, will figure out a solution to the sewing machine conundrum so that i can get back to that, because i miss the creative outlet, but i still need something else.

What are your hobbies? how did you get into them? do you think its something that my lazy ass would like? help!!

There is a light that never goes out

In the last entry, I promised that I would try to be more upbeat following that one, and while things aren't all sunshine and rainbows yet, I am in a much better headspace than I have been, so its safe to update again. (yes, even though I am currently listening to The Smiths, I am doing a little bit better.)

I have been hanging out a little bit outside of work, which has been awesome. Last week a whole slew of us went out to celebrate the birthdays of a few co-workers, which was a drunken mess, mostly, but it was really awesome to get to talk to people in a different environment than usual. I mean, work is great and I love it, but there is just a difference when you are with people outside of work. For instance, two people can carry on an entire conversation and not have to stop in the middle of a sentence to help a guest or answer a phone or whatever random other thing pops up to prevent us from really having the chance to bond.

Last night a few of us went bowling, which was also a good time. It was different than when we all went to the bar, though, because at the bar there were like 30 of us or something, and bowling was only a few of us, so it was even easier to talk to each other and hang out. Today my finger hurt in a very particular place, and it took me all night to realize that it was because of the way I was holding the bowling ball last night.

Last week I learned that I have officially achieved full-time status at work (which makes sense since I have been working full-time hours since day one). Yesterday, for the first time ever, I got paid for a holiday without working. I have had jobs that paid time and a half for holidays, but never one that does holiday pay, so that made me pretty happy. Today, I figured out what I needed to do to sign up for health insurance (which was not hard, i just didn't see the message before today), so i'm all squared away and my coverage starts in a few weeks. I am pretty stoked about that.

Like really, very stoked.

This entire move has been an exercise in transition and change, both of which have been historically hard for me to handle. But I think that maybe I am learning that change isn't quite as scary as I had previously believed. Letting go of things that have been holding me back has been more freeing than I can even describe, and it is happening in every facet of my existence. At my core, I am still who I have always been, but that girl is finding her freedom and making herself known, and I think I was keeping a lot of who I am buried under layers of who I used to be. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It is quarter after two in the morning and I am listening to Dustin Kensrue cover Leonard Cohen, so who even knows what is going on right now.

I feel like I have more to say, but I think that is enough introspection for the night. I spent last night curled up watching "Angus" (one of my favorite movies ever. the soundtrack kicks major rear end.) and I think I am going to pick another movie and do the same thing tonight. Really I should just close my eyes and attempt to fall asleep, but I have been so terrible at sleeping lately that I feel like it probably isn't even worth the attempt at this point.

I was actually considering making myself some coffee, but I think that might wake the whole house, and they have to get up for work in a few hours.

livin' the dream, y'all...

i promise that i will post a positive entry soon, and that things aren't as dreadful as the last few posts suggest. I have just needed a place to vent, and this is that place.

but that promise will begin after this entry, because right now im pretty sure we moved to the backwoods or something.

we havent had running water for over 24 hours. i mind, of course, but it didn't bother me so much today as i had nowhere to be, so a shower wasnt high on the list of priorities. however, there are some things that need to be handled, and without getting all sorts of graphic, this is not a very good week to not have running water.

beyond wanting to take a shower, i really just want to be able to flush the dang toilet. seriously. i poured water into the bowl, but i wasnt successful in making it flush.

i would have poured more water in and tried again, but i literally had to pry change out of my (food)lion bank in order to even afford the bottles i ran out to pick up tonight, and didn't really want to go about wasting anymore.

i did, however, go to walmart at midnight, unshowered and in my sweatpants, to pay for bottled water in change, so that was a definite highlight of my life right there.

i contacted the landlord earlier today. he said someone would come out but to my knowledge that didn't happen. roomie said she's calling him tomorrow because this shit is bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S.)

other roomie's boyfriend sent home some bottled water, so we were all able to brush our teeth tonight, which was a definite perk.

the temperature is supposed to get above freezing tomorrow, so if they are just frozen then we should be back in business, however, it is easily 100 degrees in our upstairs (even on these polar frosty nights, i've slept with my window open because of how awful it is up here) so the likelihood of that being the cause of this seems low.

i just pray that i wake up tomorrow to the sound of faucets throughout the house needing to be shut off.

winter wonderland

It's snowing right now, and today's high is 9*.

One of the main reasons I packed up and headed south, away from everything i know and love, was because my body just could not take another jersey winter...seems to be working out really well for me right now, yeah?

I feel like i am at a stalemate with this city. i dont really know how else to describe it. I have been here long enough that i should have made some friends by now. I mean, i certainly have people that i am friendly with, but as we are getting snowed in, one roomie is in NYC with a group of friends and the other is with her friend, so im sitting here alone. i dont mind being alone, i have gotten very good at it, but the hope was that after being here a few months, id have people in my life so that i wouldnt have to be here alone.

i think the friendship thing is really my only issue with living here, and if im being totally honest with myself, i was having friendship issues when i was still in jersey, too. I mean yes, my most recent trip home was spent trying to divide time among all of the people that wanted to see me, and i did not get to see everyone that i wanted to see, however for months and months before i left, i recall struggling to find people that had time to see me most days, so it wasnt really too far off from what im dealing with here.

one of the most difficult things about trying to form friendships here is that because i work in a bar/restaurant, i work weird hours. i was recently trying to make plans with someone, and im only available during the daytime on weekdays, so if someone works a "banker's hours" job, i will very rarely be able to make plans with them.

i love living in nashville. i love my job. i just wish i could figure out how to have a life outside of that job. im kind of ready to throw in the towel on this whole adventure and just go back to jersey when my lease is up. at least when i was at home and had no one to hang out with, my parents were around.

killing time in the airport...

It’s been a while since I have found time to sit down and write in here, but since I am sitting idly at the airport, waiting to board my delayed flight, I figured now would be as good a time as any to catch up on the last four months of my life. 

Thanksgiving was the first holiday ever (if I recall correctly) that I have spent away from my family. I had originally RSVP’ed to a gathering at a friend’s house south of the city, but decided a few days before hand that I really just wanted to stay home, cook for myself, and then maybe go see a movie or something; keep things real low-key, you know? But as it turned out, my friends didn’t have that same plan for me, and Brian showed up at my door and dragged me out of the house. 

Dinner was awesome, and the fellowship was as well. A wise man once told me that community is good for the soul. I believe him. There was gun shooting, both in real life and in video game form, lots of talking and eating, and a general sense of family. It was a nice time. 

I have been working a lot between WHS and BRU. Things at BRU have kind of leveled off, which is probably for the best. I am still there, and my boss told me a few days ago that I need to stop worrying so much about being unreliable or thinking that I am going to be fired every time I mess up and sleep through my alarm or need to call out (which happens more than I’d care to admit.) He said that I am a hard worker and that he understands that WHS is my priority and that he comes second. Either I am more awesome than I ever imagined, or he is REALLY hard up for employees. It is probably a healthy mix of both. 

WHS is still awesome as ever. I am actually kind of sad to be away from there for the next week, though obviously of course I am super excited to go back to Jersey and see my family. I am finally starting to make friends with some of the people at WHS though, and that is making an already awesome place to work that much better. 

I think this is true of most restaurant/bar atmospheres, and of some other types of workplaces, I am sure, but WHS feels like a family. A big, dysfunctional family. We work the same sorts of crazy hours, we deal with the same nutty customers, and we identify with our co-workers when there is an issue. I mean, I have worked in close-knit groups before, but there is something different about a restaurant family. I dunno. I just know that I am happy there. 

Hmm...What else is there to update yall on? My roommate K and I took advantage of my G/O employee benefits and went to the hotel to see ICE! and all of the lights at the hotel. I have heard all kinds of good things about it, but I was in awe when I finally got to see it for myself. I mean, I knew it was going to be pretty extensive, as they were hanging lights before I started with the company in the beginning of September, but I wasnt expecting SO many lights. We road the riverboat in the Delta and walked around the Cascades. We popped our heads into the other sections, too, but it was getting late and we were both hungry, so we didn’t tour them.

ICE! was also really cool, literally. 8* cool. If you don’t know what ICE! is, G/O flies artists in from China to carve into blocks of ice scenes from Frosty the Snowman. There is a slide made of ice, and several scenes from the movie, as well as Times Square and a really beautiful nativity scene. I feel like I should say more about it, but I can’t think of anything else. There are pictures on my fb if you want to see them for yourself. 

So I guess overall things are going well. I am not quite exactly where I want to be, but as I am sitting here in the airport I am having mixed emotions about leaving Nashville. Yes, it is only for a week, but this place is my home now, for sure, and I am sure that I will be ready to return when the time comes. 

welp...

Today was a pretty good day. I got to go out to church, which i hardly ever get to do these days. Pastor Jamie's sermon was on point, as always, and once again I walked away feeling like I had learned something new, which was great.

After church a few of us went to Moe's for lunch, and it was good to connect with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I feel very secluded because of the hours that I work, so it is always good to get to hang out with people.

I came home after all that with the intention of taking a nap, but got a text message from a friend from home saying "I was just walking in downtown nashville." OBVIOUSLY I needed to forgo the nap to go and see Ivy and Phillip, so I drove out to Opry Mills and saw a movie with them. Because I was late getting out there and because I had plans after, we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked but it was really great to get to hang out with them.

Iron & Wine were playing out at the Ryman tonight, and I couldn't think of a better place to see Sam Beam and company, so I headed out there. The show was great, although too short (i think no time will be enough when it comes to seeing I&W) and I laughed a LOT. Mr. Beam was really chatty tonight and super silly, so that made for an extra fun show.

But now I have a problem.

So this boy ended up sitting next to me, and we hit it off right away. We were chatting about all sorts of things, even a little bit through the band's set. We were still talking on the way out, and he asked me what i was doing after. I said nothing, and as soon as that happened, his buddy and buddy's g/f came over and they were talking, which was fine. But then we were walking out the door and he ducked off into the bathroom and I didn't know what to do so I just kept going out the door. I got outside and waited around for a second but then I didn't know if i should or what I should be doing, so I just left.

This is why I will be single forever. I am TERRIBLE when it comes to boys.

Guys, this dude was a beardy musician who is from Atlanta but lived in freaking Williamsburg for a while before moving to Nashville. I didn't find out where he works, but he does know where I work, and I know that he hangs out in east nashville quite often.

I suck.

I am hoping that because nashville is such a small town I will run into him again.

I should have grabbed his iphone and put my number in it or something. I am an idiot.

hashtag this is why im single.