first day jitters

I started my new job tonight. I worked for five hours, and it felt like 25. I am not used to being in such a slow-paced environment. It isn't a horrible job, though, so I am going to stick it out for now, and hope that things get better. I imagine that they will. I have to go to TRU tomorrow to demo those rubberband bracelet making things, so that should be fun. I am scheduled for an 8 hour shift, though, and the demo is only two hours, so I am a little bit worried about what exactly I am going to have to do for the other six hours. I rang register tonight for a little while but I am terrified of it, to be honest, so I hope it is not that.

Enough about that.

I went down to Opryland headquarters this morning to interview for a position downtown at a place called the Wildhorse Saloon. That interview went well, so she sent me downtown to the Wildhorse to talk to some people there. Things were going really awesomely until we started talking about availability and I mentioned that I was starting a job at BRU tonight. That threw up a lot of red flags, and from a retail standpoint I absolutely get it, but it was still discouraging, especially because they all seemed to like me before that.

There was some talk about trying to work things out so that I could still do both. I talked to my manager at BRU tonight and he is willing to work with me, so hopefully things pan out. I really, really wanted the job at WS after I walked out of there, but I got less excited about it as the day went on. I really think that I am just trying to keep my hopes from getting out of control incase this doesn't pan out. The idea of quitting BRU so that I could work there also crossed my mind, but I don't know what kind of package they offer (we never got that far into the conversation) and I don't want to run the risk of losing my benefits now that I have them.

I still have the substitute teaching thing to fall back on if that doesn't work out, provided I take the test. Right now it doesn't make much sense to me to spend 40 dollars to take the test if I am never going to be available to work. I dunno. I guess I will just wait and see what happens with this.

I also have an interview scheduled for Monday at Target. I think my manager at BRU wants me to work Monday, so we will see how that works out.

I guess I will have to wait to see when the right path makes itself clear to me.

"feast or famine"

"feast or famine" was the expression i was trying to think of last night.

i start work tomorrow. my paperwork isn't even done but the store manager called and said he had a few extra hours and would i like to come in and watch how things go, so i said yes, because money! (also, experience. but money!)

i also volunteered to go to Toys R Us on Saturday to work a function down there. I guess all i have to do is sit at a table and talk to customers or something, but its a full shift. all this before my paperwork is even done :)

i interview at the saloon tomorrow. guys, i think i really want this job, but i just dont know if it's going to work out because both jobs will need me to have flexible scheduling. and BRU doesn't pay great to start, but i will have health insurance, which is something i have been without since september of 2009. I am really freaking stoked about that.

I also have a second interview at the Bullseye on Monday. We shall see how this goes. It is kind of far out, and I heard they don't pay that well, plus the scheduling thing, but the discount might make it worth it. I guess i should wait to see if i get offered a job first, huh?

anyway, i am actually supposed to be putting laundry away and making my bed, but for some reason i keep coming back to my computer. I should get back to that.

ETA: I went and registered my car today and got TN tags. I am finally totally officially a TN resident!

i had the perfect quote picked out for the title...

...but now i cannot remember what it was. It is a common expression and I am going to remember it sometime tomorrow, but for now, lame-o title it is.

Anyway. Remember how the other day i was all, "i cannot even think about filling out another application. i quit." Well, it is probably a good thing that i quit when i did.

I think i talked about this already, but Monday afternoon i got two phone calls, one right after the other, to set up job interviews. I went on one today and was hired, pending my background check, so yay! It is only 15-20 hours a week at Babies R Us, but i am absolutely okay with that. The other interview from that day is on Friday, and it is a job that i think i would really, really like, so i don't even want to jinx it by talking about it any more than that.

Yesterday morning I woke up to a call from another place that i applied, but she told me it was part time and i wasn't terribly interested in working there to begin with, so i told her i was not still interested. I regretted that decision almost immediately. I was so worried that the jobs i had interviews set up for would not pan out and that i had just given up the job i was supposed to take.

Then today happened. I woke up and was getting ready for my interview and my phone rang. It was a place that i think i could like working for, but a friend of mine just left there and didn't like it. Anyway, we set up a phone interview for Thursday, and i think i am going to be okay with whatever direction that goes. The discount would be nice, but it is a little farther out than i am interested in driving for a retail job. (My job at BRU is three minutes from my house. Literally. I timed it.)

I went to my interview at BRU and as I was walking in the door, my phone rang, and it was TRU, calling to tell me that they pull from the same list of applicants and was i interested in coming to work for them? I laughed and told her that I was walking into my interview at BRU, and she said that she didn't want to steal me away from them, but if it didn't work out to call her back and she would set me up with an interview. (I found out in my BRU interview that i can actually pick up hours at TRU if i wanted, but its kind of far away, too, so I don't know.)

So i interviewed, was offered the job (at least i think. i am still a little iffy on what actually happened. hahaha. But she said that she was going to try to get me in next week to do my paperwork and that she was starting the background check as i was walking out the door, so i believe i have a job. If i don't, i'll be the one with egg on my face) and left. I had originally scheduled a blood donor appointment for the morning but between sleeping through my alarm and the other phone call, i missed it. I was sitting in my room listening to the radio and they wouldn't stop talking about the blood drive, so I decided to get in my car and go give blood. Better late than never, right?

As i was sitting waiting to go back and do my history, my phone rang again, and it was another company i had applied to calling to set up an interview. Unfortunately i deleted the voicemail before i could call her back, though i did write down her name on my notepad in my phone. I never did get around to calling her back though because giving blood took 2 and a half hours, and then i called my parents, and then J and i went to Waffle House because cheese'n eggs.

Take that, being unemployed!

getting things done.

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock for the first time since June 22. It was weird. It was also a necessity, though, as I actually had things to do.

I had an appointment to go get finger printed for the sub job. I went down to the Board of Ed building and took care of that, and then headed out to the Driver's Testing Center to take care of getting my license changed over.

This switching my car and license over nonsense is more trouble than it is worth.

When I got to the DTC, the line was literally out the door. I was standing in the back of it, and from there saw something flash up on the screen that said "acceptable form of payment-check or money order." Poop. I had thought I read credit cards were accepted, and I had forgotten my checkbook, so I needed to go all the way back home and take care of that. The DTC isn't very close by, so this was kind of a hassle, but it was definitely my own fault. Besides all that, though, I had realized I didn't have my title, and figured it wouldn't be possible to register my car without it, so going home made sense.

I came home and re-read what I needed for registration, which included an emissions test, which I hadn't done, so I checked the website, and the one that is closest to me had a pretty short wait time, so I ran over there and took care of that real fast, and then headed back out to the DTC with all the appropriate documents in hand.

This time, there was only one person in line ahead of me (though my wait time was still an hour and a half or so. I can't imagine what it would have been earlier.) When I got up to the counter to explain what I needed (to switch my license and registration) the super sweet lady told me that they couldn't do registrations there, and that I needed to go to the County Clerk for that. I wasn't going to argue with her, but I swore that I read that they did that there, and that was the reason I drove 20 minutes to the other side of Nashville, but whatever.

After several games of Candy Crush, my number was called, and the process was quick and easy. Well, mostly. The camera kept saying that my eyes were closed so I kept having to have my picture retaken, and it is absolutely awful, but whatever. It's done, right? Damn my tiny eyes!

They don't print the license's there, though, so I got a temporary license until my real one shows up, which is weird. My DL is a piece of paper. Also, I had to turn over my NJ license which makes sense, but was still kind of depressing. And I just learned my old DL number, so I have to relearn the new one.

By the time I finished all that it was 3 in the afternoon, and I hadn't eaten since 8am, so I was hungry and tired of bureaucracy so I headed home to eat something, listen to records and try to clean my room. (I still have a few boxes of stuff in the middle of my floor that I have no energy to empty...they are currently serving as a desk and an end table.) I was checking facebook and listening to my record really loudly when I noticed a noise that didn't belong, and it took me a second to realize that my phone was ringing.

Someone from one of the jobs that I had applied to was calling to talk to me a bit (phone interviews are poop. I think this might have been better though as I was totally caught off guard) and we ended up scheduling an interview for later this week! I was pretty excited about that, for sure.

I decided I was going to take care of my car insurance paperwork, so I ran downstairs after the phone call to get something out of my car, and when I came back up, my phone was ringing again. I kind of thought that it was the first lady calling me back to cancel or reschedule, so imagine my surprise when another job application had pulled through for me, and someone else wanted to schedule an interview!

After all that, I decided a nap was in order, as I had been more productive today than I had in a while, and it wore me out. I slept for a while, woke up, ate a very late "dinner" (Raisin Bran at 10pm), watched Kick-Ass with the roomie, and then came up here, wrote this and am now going back to bed.

Tomorrow I need to go to the County Clerk to get my car registration dealt with, and if I have any money left, I might go see if  I can find something cute to wear to my upcoming interviews!

"i said don't worry about a thing. every little thing's gonna be alright."

Man. There is just so much stuff that i thought about before moving, but i'm realizing now that i never really thought about it. That probably doesn't make much sense, so i'll enlighten you.

Before i left Jersey, we transferred the title of my car from my parents' to me. It was more expensive in the long run, but the simpler solution (something about not being able to prove who my dad was in TN but i could in Jersey. Since he didn't come with me to the DMV, i still don't really get that, but that was what i was told to do, so that is what i did.) When i left to go do this, my parents basically handed me everything i needed and said go, say this, and do this. easy peasy.

My first problem was that they don't call DMVs DMVs here. Google took me where i needed to be easy enough, but the website left my head spinning, and every time i clicked a link, it took me to some page where i needed to give them a ton of info and money. from what i could gather, that was just to print out a guide on what i needed to do, which seemed like a really wasteful way to spend what little cash i have left.

Also, i need to change my driver's license. i looked this all up before i moved, and determined it was easy enough, but kind of left some important documents back in Jersey, which have prolonged the whole ordeal. That stuff arrived late last week, and since i have to go downtown tomorrow anyway, i figured i would take care of all of this in one fell swoop.

I have been whining about the job thing for a few weeks now, but some things that were said in church today reminded me to be calm about all of it and just let God do his thing. His will and all, you know? I was talking to a friend of mine and heard myself saying, "I wanted to sub anyway, so that is just what i am going to do; forget the other stuff. i am tired of sending out applications just to be denied anyway. those aren't the jobs i am supposed to have, so i am done with that for a while." I didn't really even realize i felt that way, but it makes total sense, so i am going with it. I am stressing myself out over something that i have no control over, and i need to just take a chill pill. I want to sub; that was the plan from day one. Why am i so concerned that Kroger hasn't called me back yet? Do i want to work in a grocery store? no, not especially, so why am i letting it get me down?

But there's a hitch to this, too. I made an appointment to get fingerprinted, but didn't print out the conformation page, which apparently i need tomorrow. I also saw something about bringing a filled-out form but i cannot for the life of me figure out where said form is located. Basically, what it is all coming down to is that i need a bunch of paperwork for tomorrow, i only have some of it, and i have really no idea what i am even doing. Here's hoping i am able to accomplish what i need to, or even some of it.

It is going to be an interesting day...

blah blah blah.

this job hunt nonsense is crazy.

I have been applying for jobs like it was a full-time job for the last two weeks. I have received a few "we're sorry, but..." emails, but not one positive phone call or email, after sending out what has to be nearly 80 (if not more) applications. I know that I will need to hear a lot of "no's" before I get a "yes," because that is just how this stuff works these days, but when I think about it, I have trouble breathing.

I do, however, have an appointment on Monday morning to go get fingerprinted so that I can continue on with the Substitute Teacher application. I also started applying at another school district. I hope that I can use the fingerprints in both districts (they are expensive!) and moreso that this leads to something. I need to take the "class" and the test, so I will start that this weekend.

I was hoping that my phone would have rang already, and was thinking that by today I would have had a job, but I can't let that get me down. I just need to stop looking at my bank account. :/

I already want to rearrange my room, but I am not strong enough to move my dresser alone. Well, I guess I am, but its huge and awkward (that's what she said) so I guess I need to make friends with a big, burley man so that he can help me. :) He also needs to be tall, because I need something hung high in my room and I'm too short to do it.

I got a box of stuff in the mail today, from my parents. I already had a bunch of stuff in my room that I don't have a home for, and the assortment of stuff that they sent was super random, so some of it was super useful and important, and some of it is just more clutter. Have I mentioned that I really don't like clutter? Because I don't. It makes me anxious.

The thought of writing a "things I would have done differently" entry regarding the move keeps running through my mind, but I would have to flesh it out a little bit more...right now the only tip I have is this: If I were to move 12 hours across the country again, I would hire movers. I don't even have that much stuff (Not going to lie, I have a lot, but I only moved a bedroom and a kitchen, not an entire house) and it was still a pain in the ass. Oh, I probably would suggest not moving to the South in August, either, but whatever.

I know that all of the things that are freaking me out are going to just take some time and effort to resolve, and I also know that once I am working all the time, I am going to miss laying around watching entire seasons of television shows in one sitting. Soon enough I will have people to hang out with, and a job so that I can afford to hang out with said people. I thought the transition would only take a week...boy was I naive. I sure do hope that I am on the right path after a month, though, because if I don't find income in the next few weeks, I don't know how I am going to pay rent next month.

this too shall pass...

ugh.

obviously, if you saw my last post, i was a bit of a mess this weekend. I just kind of got hit with a lot of reality all at once and wasn't really sure how to deal with it all, so instead of dealing with any of it, I broke down and hid. that is how i deal with things, and it is definitely something i need to work on, because it accomplishes nothing (unless you count skipping church because of puffy, red eyes an accomplishment.)

Yesterday my roomie had some friends help her move all of her big stuff from her apartment to our townhouse. I had every intention of getting up, going to church, and then helping out like a good roommate, but once i saw myself in a mirror, the waterworks started again and i just curled up in a ball in my bed.

I probably wouldn't have even left my room yesterday at all, except that Kristian knocked on my door so that she could see my room, and I let her come in. I am really happy in my room. It is a safe, happy place and it makes me feel comfortable, so I really do like to "show it off" (even with the four large boxes still in the middle of my floor.) After mostly everyone left our house, I could still hear Summer in our hallway being super silly (because that is, what i have determined, what Summer does best) and I decided to come out of hiding to say hey and see what was going on (plus i really needed a drink.)

I decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak, and try to work out of my funk by going to Sunday Funday at LBL. I knew that I needed to get out of my own head and I figured the best way to do that would be to be around other people. I told Sandrene on the way there that I probably should have just stopped being a butthead and gone to church that morning, but going to LBL would be a start. I know that I was still pretty reserved last night, but I did interact a little bit.

On the way home someone was texting me about some issues that they are going through, and as I was reading and trying to talk them out of the funk that they were in, it became certain that the best way to get out of my own funk was to try to help other people out of theirs. I never realized how much I need to be needed. It is kind of strange. Anyway, a few text/messaging conversations later, and a few episodes of "Freaks and Geeks" (it still kills me that that series only lasted one season) and I went to sleep with my head on a little bit tighter.

***

One of the things that initially drug me down over the weekend was a packet that I received in the mail on Friday from my car insurance company. It told me that I had 10 days to provide a copy of my TN driver's license or I would be dropped from my policy. Because of a paperwork snafu, this isn't something that I can accomplish in 10 days, so I freaked out a little bit about that. Then we went somewhere in my car and it was making all sorts of insane noises and that freaked me out even more, and I just started worrying about EVERYTHING. I don't have a job. I don't have anyone to hang out with. There were a lot of "I don'ts" floating around in my head, and that monster just got the best of me, unfortunately.

But even though I was a sad, sappy mess, I never really thought "what am i doing here?" or "i made a mistake" because I don't even want to justify either of those statements. I am doing what I wanted to do, and I knew that it was going to be tough. I just have to work through the rough patches and trust God that things are going to be fine. They have been this far.

I called my car insurance provider today, told them my situation, and she said I have at least 30 days to get it taken care of, as well as gave me an email address to send all of the paperwork once I have everything together that I need. It is going to be fine; I am still covered and will not be dropped.

I have an appointment for next week to get finger-printed, and I am going to take the sub test this week when I have some time to sit quietly and do it. It might be another couple weeks before I have the job I want, but I realized that I can't get upset every time i get a "we have decided to go in another direction" email, because those jobs that I have been applying for arent really the jobs I want. I want to teach. I want to sub right now. I will make it work and things will be golden. I just have to realize that what I expected to be a rough first week might, in all honesty, be a rough first month.

But I will get there. I just have to stay positive.

"you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have..."

meh.

so the whole point of this blogging experience through the move was to document they way I am feeling as much as what is going on and the steps I have taken to get here. I feel like if I didn't write about days like today I would be doing a disservice to the idea of the blog, even if I don't really want to talk about it. So anyway...

today has not been a good day. I have been on the verge of tears or crying for the better part of it. I can't honestly say exactly why I am so sad, because I finally did something that I have wanted for easily the last 13 years, and I am happy to be living here. I am learning my way around, and love that I have so many former "novelty" places so close to my house. (At least three wafflehouses within 10 minutes? yes please!) Given the chance to go back and do it again, I wouldn't change anything. This is still what I want.

I told my roommate today that I blame Jimmy Eat World. We went to see them last night, and it was a great show, but there are still some unresolved feelings attached to that band that I do a pretty good job of hiding for the most part, but I guess having those songs hit me back to back to back last night really stirred some crap up. But it can't be just that. All of this saline cannot be because of a few songs that meant something to me, what? 10 years ago? That can't be it.

I miss my friends, but honestly, I didn't see them a whole lot when I still lived in Jersey. I am pretty sure I talk to them more now that I am down here. I know that I spent many nights sitting around my parents' house wondering why I couldn't find anyone around to hang out with me. I talked to 2/3 of the girls tonight on facetime, which was nice, but it didn't shake the waterfalls, so I can't imagine that it's my friends.

I miss my family. A lot. But let's face it, I was the butt of every joke because I was 33 and still living with my parents. "Oh, Gen's never going to leave." I needed to move out, and I knew it. I always said that it made no sense to move out of my parents' place just to pay a ridiculous rent around the corner. Besides, who in the world was I going to live with? It has always been a fact that when I moved out, I was going to move. So while I miss them, and it I have been sad about that all week, this is different.

I do miss the stars, though. I don't know that I have seen them since I got down here. I have been actively looking for them for the past few nights, but its been so overcast I can't tell if I can see them or not. Maybe its the weather? I don't know. I want a clear night to see if I can see stars here. I know it won't be like at home, but something would help.

Honestly, though, I think this is all to do with the stress of not being employed. The bank account is getting lower than I would like it to get, and I really don't want to have to worry about what I am going to do to pay rent or my student loans. I am bored. Both of my roommates get up and go to work and I sit at home all day staring at the computer screen applying to job after job after job, praying that one of them is the right fit. I haven't had to do this in a really long time, but I know that it's all who you know, and frankly I don't know anyone. That scares the shit out of me.

I am trying so hard to keep faith and trust that there is a plan, but I am getting nervous. I have run into a lot of road blocks lately (actually, mostly today) that are making me anxious. I hope that a good night's sleep and a good message at church tomorrow will clear out all of this negativity. Hell, retail therapy didn't even help, because even though I really did need jeans (old navy had a one-day only sale-$15 dollar jeans-and I only brought one pair down with me) I couldn't help but worry about the dent into the bank account. When a four-dollar dress purchase stresses me out, I know that there is a problem.

Fuck. I just want to stop crying.

brake time.

Since my parents were coming down here anyway to help me move my stuff, they decided to hang out for a few days and do some sight seeing. This was nice because I got to spend a few more days with my parents, plus I got to see some stuff that I don't know that I would do otherwise.

On Friday, we went to the Belle Meade Plantation, which is where the famous horse Bonnie Scotland was raised. We got to tour the house, which was really cool to see, and the "outer houses" which included the mausoleum, the servant's quarters, the dairy, and the original log cabin that the family started the plantation from. I don't like to sit around and read about history, but I love to go out and experience it, so even though it was humid as all get out, I had a really nice time.

Also, there was a winery and a wine tasting, and I bought a bottle of blackberry wine.

After the plantation, we went to dinner at the Cracker Barrel. I drove all of us over, because even though it was right in the parking lot, it was raining pretty hard at that point and none of us really wanted to be wet. Dinner was good, and we walked around a little to see what kind of fun things were in the store. After all of that, it had stopped raining so my parents decided to walk back to their hotel, and I was getting in my car to come back home so that I could continue to put my stuff away. HOWEVER, I started my car and when I pressed the brake to put the car into gear, the brake pedal went all the way to the floor, and I heard a pop. I knew that this was a bad sign, so I threw it back into park and looked around for my parents, but they were out of sight already.

I made the (probably stupid) choice to put it back into reverse and drive as slowly as I could over to my parents' hotel room because I wasn't sure what exactly the problem was, only that my brakes were not right. I got back to their room and knocked on their door, but no one answered. I surmised that I had beat them back over, and walked around the opposite way that I had driven in to find them, which I did. I told them what happened, and after checking a few things, the brake fluid was noticeably spouting out of the brake line in the back, and it became evident that the brake line had split.

After a few phone calls, a tow truck was on its way to come and take my car away. I wasn't really upset about any of it, because I knew that things could have been a heck of a lot worse. I had spent the previous two days driving a loaded car through the mountains, and some portions of the trip were through torrential downpours. Had my brakes decided to give out during any of that, I would have definitely smashed my car up, and likely been severely injured or even killed. Even if they had failed just driving around Nashville, it still could have done some damage. I was just thankful that I wasn't hurt and that I was able to get things taken care of.

One day and 472 dollars later, I got my car back. It had a lot of other issues with the brakes that either were fixed or need to be addressed soon, and it was recommended that I replace the front axle. I will attend to these things once I have a job and have income coming in. For now, though, I am glad to be alive and have my car back mostly working.

The big move, day 2

As I mentioned before, we stayed in a hotel overnight, splitting our journey up into two days. 12 hours of driving is intense as it is, but 12 hours of driving followed by a few hours of unpacking would have been a nightmare, so this was obviously the best thing to do.

Anyway, we woke up Thursday morning, went and had breakfast, and then got on our way. The drive was only supposed to take 4 and a half hours or so, which was fine by me, but we also needed to make a few potty stops along the way, which was also fine by me. At one point, I checked my facebook and a friend had asked if we were weathering the storms alright, to which I replied that we had been through a little bit of rain but that it was nothing serious.

Mistake.

No sooner did we pull away from that rest stop than did the clouds start rolling in. Before I knew any better, the rain was coming down so hard that I was white-knuckling the steering wheel and praying for the rain to be over. I couldn't see in front of me. I was following my parents' pretty close, but I was still having a really hard time  finding them in all of the grey and gloom. I am not a fan of driving in storms like that (but really, who is, right?) but that on top of the fact that we were driving through the mountains made me super nervous. I turned the radio down (a sure sign that I am struggling with something) and prayed and prayed that the rain would stop.

It eventually did. We stopped for lunch about a half-hour outside of Nashville, and while we were sitting there, the rain let up a good deal, so it wasn't nearly so awful that last half hour or so. I was convinced that we would be moving everything into my house in torrential downpours, but thankfully the rain had all but stopped when we arrived. There were reports of flooding in other places around the city, but we were in good shape (being up a hill definitely helps in situations like that...but we will see how that works out when it gets cold and the roads are icy. I am not looking forward to that at all.)

We got all of my stuff into the living room, and then my parents went to their hotel to check in. I started putting stuff into my room and trying to figure out where I was going to put everything. Yes, I surely did overpack. I was so worried about clutter and I still brought wayyyy too much stuff with me. I basically managed to put everything in a place now, though, so maybe I will be able to maintain a clean living space. We will see.

The very first thing I did was to make my bed. My new bedding was waiting for me when I arrived, and I couldn't wait to get it on my bed. I just felt like once my bed was made, this would feel like my home. I have subsequently felt that way about getting my records put away, getting my posters up on the wall, getting my boxes out of the living room, getting my kitchen stuff unpacked, and most recently getting my bathroom stuff unpacked.

My parents called me a few hours later and I went over to their hotel to meet them for dinner. There was a wafflehouse in their hotel parking lot, so we went there (which I was not opposed to at all, yay for cheesy eggs!) and then I came home to keep working on my room. I was planning on going to a concert that night, but between driving through the downpours earlier, unpacking that afternoon, and the fact that it was still rainy and cloudy, I decided that I was just going to lay low and get some more unpacking done. I am pretty bummed that I didn't get to see ZZ Ward, though. I really dig her music.

I don't want this to get too long, so I will stop here for now. No worries, though, there is definitely more to come.

The big move, day 1.

I know it has been a while since I have updated, but I wanted to be able to do things chronologically, and I didn't want to advertise that my parents were here and that their house was empty for a week, so I waited. Also, we didn't have internet right away, and I have been busy.

I don't know if I talked at all about the breakdown I had in the front yard on Tuesday night of last week. After we had managed to fit what I thought was everything into the two vehicles, I discovered a few boxes of rather important things that hadn't found their way downstairs. I did manage to make everything fit, but not after launching a poor, defenseless plastic pumpkin across my parents' front yard and screaming a lot.

I finally got to bed late that night, sleeping on the floor of the bedroom that I had slept in for most of my life, and I probably would have been emotional about that, except that I was exhausted and I knew I had a long day ahead of me on Wednesday.

We got up early Wednesday morning and headed out. We stopped off in Woodstown to have breakfast at the Wagon Wheel. My dad loves it there, but I wasn't terribly impressed. I am not a big breakfast-at-breakfast person as it is, and I just wasn't feeling anything on the menu. One of my big things about having all of these food allergies is trying to figure out what I am going to be doing after I eat. Driving in a car for 8 hours is not high on the list of things that I want to be doing if I need to make restroom stops.

The ride down on the first day wasn't too rough. I was starting to suffer from highway hypnosis, though, so I was glad to stop when we did. We made it to our hotel, checked in, and then went out to find some dinner. We ended up eating at a really awesome Soda Shoppe and Grille called Ellis, I believe. The food was really good, and I had a pineapple milkshake, which was possibly the best thing I have consumed in a while.

Short of that, there wasn't a whole lot else going on on that first day of travel.

i fell asleep right after starting last night's entry

I had every intention of updating last night, and even started writing, but I passed out on the floor of my (old) bedroom, slept through (what was left of) the night, and hit the road early this morning, so that had to be scrapped.

Last night was my last night in the bedroom that I have lived in for the better part of the last 27 years. I felt like I should have been more emotional about that, but it really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I actually was thinking about things today on the drive, and I realized that I feel like I have no emotion regarding any of this.

Today I drove most of the way down. It was too much for one day, so I am holed up in a dingy hotel somewhere near the VA/TN border. Tomorrow I will complete the trip, and start loading things into 113. I am excited to put my new bed set on my bed, and excited to set my record player up again. It has only been two days, but I miss my stupid records. A lot.

Last night, after loading everything into the van, I realized I forgot to pack my shoes. After maneuvering things to get them in, I realized I never packed any hangers. More rearranging. This went on until well after one am, at which point I finally said, "forget it. If I forgot it now, I can replace it when I get there. I have had enough." Then I pulled my comforter out of the laundry basket it had been sitting in only to find a box of important documents that I couldn't leave behind. More rearranging. It was a long night.

The drive so far has been good. The last hour before the hotel was rough. It was raining and my ipod died and I was so ready to be out of the car. I think, though, that the last hour of any drive is rough, at least that seems to be my experience.

I feel like there is more that I should say, but I keep yawning and I have a lot to do tomorrow, so I think I am going to call it a night. We don't have internet in our house yet, as far as I know, so I will attempt to write an update tomorrow, though it might not get posted for a few days.

I still can't believe that I am doing this. I must be insane.

If you know me at all you probably won't believe this, but it is true.

Although anyone who has ever been in my car might not believe me, I really and truly do not like clutter.

One of the things that I am looking forward to most about this move is the fresh start in regards to my living space. When I was in college, I only had things that I needed with me, and a few meaningful trinkets. Everything had a place, and I didn't have mounds of stuff everywhere. I often think back on my bedroom in our house senior year, and while I don't have many fond memories of that place, I do miss the order and neatness.

My parents' dining room is the staging area for all of the crap that needs to be loaded into the cars. Every time I look into that room, I start to get anxiety, because I am sure that I am taking too much stuff, and then I start to worry because there is still stuff left in my room that I haven't gone through yet. I am very overwhelmed. I don't want clutter.

I keep reminding myself that there is stuff for the rest of the house in those boxes as well. I have a lot of stuff for the kitchen (but what if there is no room for my stuff, since the other girls are already moved in?) I have some stuff that could be used in the living room. I have a lot of stuff for the bathroom.  BUT I have about seventy five pairs of shoes.

Well, that might be a (slight) exaggeration, but I have a lot of shoes. Just call me Imelda.

I just don't want clutter. I want a room that is calm and relaxing. I think the bright color scheme that I have chosen are going to create a happy space. (A happy space? Who am I?)

I have to trust that I am only packing necessities. I have to trust that this is all going to be okay. I think my brain is just doing whatever it can to freak me out.

My nerves are shot. I am terribly itchy right now. It has to be stress or nerves. The pressure is definitely getting to me. I just want to be at 113, unloading my stuff and settling in.

Little by little I will get there and I will get through this. I know that without a doubt this is the best change I have ever made in my life (well, maybe quitting Wawa was better for me, because that is ultimately what got me to this point.) I just have to stop freaking out about all the stupid little crap that isn't going to matter in a month, and just finish what I need to do.

In a few days, I will be adjusting to a slower-paced, clutter free life, and I will be happy.

"a stronger girl would shake this off in flight, and never give it more than a frowning hour"

Goodbyes suck.

I have been saying goodbye to basically everyone I know lately, and did most of that in one fell swoop with my going away party last week. The intention was to leave a few days after that, but as we all know, the best laid plans of mice and men...

So I am still in town, for a little while longer. I was trying to keep that quiet because I knew I didn't want to go through the goodbye process again a hundred times over. Not to mention the fact that I still have SO MUCH packing to do. It is ridiculous how much stuff I have accumulated in my life. I am planning on leaving most of it in my parents' attic for now, because this move is about a fresh start, and I don't see dragging 33 years of stuff down south as "fresh."

I posted on facebook that I was going to the shore with the BFFF on Saturday night, and and a result, I hurt some feelings. A few people messaged me that they wanted to see me again, and I told them all no. I don't say no that often, and I realized in this juncture that it is necessary for my sanity. I did, however, go out for about two hours tonight (after making MAJOR progress packing) because it is LB's birthday, and she had plans to go to the drive in, and the drive in was playing wolverine. As you may or may not be aware, I have had a serious crush on Wolverine since I was about 8 years old (Jean who?) so it is a movie I would have seen anyway.

But I was with people that I had already said goodbye to, so I had to go through that again. Its not that I don't want to see anyone, and I was glad that I went, but I am crying all the time as it is. I don't really want to keep putting myself in that position.

I am sorry if you are one of the people whom I offended. It was not meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I need to set boundaries and protect myself, too. My life is changing, for the better, I hope, but in order to make that happen, I need to change everything. This means that when I come home to visit, I might not have time to see everyone, but I will try to designate one night for my friends. If that means I have to say, "if you want to see me, come to Friday's at seven pm on tuesday night" then that is what it is going to be.

I realize that I will be 806 miles away, but my door is open to anyone who might want to come visit. I will have a job and new friends and responsibilities down there, but that doesn't mean that I won't have time for texts, calls or visits from the people who mattered in my first 33 years.

Please don't take anything I am doing personally. I promise I am not out to offend anyone as my last act before leaving New Jersey. I just have to put myself first right now. I don't think that is an awful thing.