meh.
so the whole point of this blogging experience through the move was to document they way I am feeling as much as what is going on and the steps I have taken to get here. I feel like if I didn't write about days like today I would be doing a disservice to the idea of the blog, even if I don't really want to talk about it. So anyway...
today has not been a good day. I have been on the verge of tears or crying for the better part of it. I can't honestly say exactly why I am so sad, because I finally did something that I have wanted for easily the last 13 years, and I am happy to be living here. I am learning my way around, and love that I have so many former "novelty" places so close to my house. (At least three wafflehouses within 10 minutes? yes please!) Given the chance to go back and do it again, I wouldn't change anything. This is still what I want.
I told my roommate today that I blame Jimmy Eat World. We went to see them last night, and it was a great show, but there are still some unresolved feelings attached to that band that I do a pretty good job of hiding for the most part, but I guess having those songs hit me back to back to back last night really stirred some crap up. But it can't be just that. All of this saline cannot be because of a few songs that meant something to me, what? 10 years ago? That can't be it.
I miss my friends, but honestly, I didn't see them a whole lot when I still lived in Jersey. I am pretty sure I talk to them more now that I am down here. I know that I spent many nights sitting around my parents' house wondering why I couldn't find anyone around to hang out with me. I talked to 2/3 of the girls tonight on facetime, which was nice, but it didn't shake the waterfalls, so I can't imagine that it's my friends.
I miss my family. A lot. But let's face it, I was the butt of every joke because I was 33 and still living with my parents. "Oh, Gen's never going to leave." I needed to move out, and I knew it. I always said that it made no sense to move out of my parents' place just to pay a ridiculous rent around the corner. Besides, who in the world was I going to live with? It has always been a fact that when I moved out, I was going to move. So while I miss them, and it I have been sad about that all week, this is different.
I do miss the stars, though. I don't know that I have seen them since I got down here. I have been actively looking for them for the past few nights, but its been so overcast I can't tell if I can see them or not. Maybe its the weather? I don't know. I want a clear night to see if I can see stars here. I know it won't be like at home, but something would help.
Honestly, though, I think this is all to do with the stress of not being employed. The bank account is getting lower than I would like it to get, and I really don't want to have to worry about what I am going to do to pay rent or my student loans. I am bored. Both of my roommates get up and go to work and I sit at home all day staring at the computer screen applying to job after job after job, praying that one of them is the right fit. I haven't had to do this in a really long time, but I know that it's all who you know, and frankly I don't know anyone. That scares the shit out of me.
I am trying so hard to keep faith and trust that there is a plan, but I am getting nervous. I have run into a lot of road blocks lately (actually, mostly today) that are making me anxious. I hope that a good night's sleep and a good message at church tomorrow will clear out all of this negativity. Hell, retail therapy didn't even help, because even though I really did need jeans (old navy had a one-day only sale-$15 dollar jeans-and I only brought one pair down with me) I couldn't help but worry about the dent into the bank account. When a four-dollar dress purchase stresses me out, I know that there is a problem.
Fuck. I just want to stop crying.
...you and me, both.
ReplyDelete