this too shall pass...

ugh.

obviously, if you saw my last post, i was a bit of a mess this weekend. I just kind of got hit with a lot of reality all at once and wasn't really sure how to deal with it all, so instead of dealing with any of it, I broke down and hid. that is how i deal with things, and it is definitely something i need to work on, because it accomplishes nothing (unless you count skipping church because of puffy, red eyes an accomplishment.)

Yesterday my roomie had some friends help her move all of her big stuff from her apartment to our townhouse. I had every intention of getting up, going to church, and then helping out like a good roommate, but once i saw myself in a mirror, the waterworks started again and i just curled up in a ball in my bed.

I probably wouldn't have even left my room yesterday at all, except that Kristian knocked on my door so that she could see my room, and I let her come in. I am really happy in my room. It is a safe, happy place and it makes me feel comfortable, so I really do like to "show it off" (even with the four large boxes still in the middle of my floor.) After mostly everyone left our house, I could still hear Summer in our hallway being super silly (because that is, what i have determined, what Summer does best) and I decided to come out of hiding to say hey and see what was going on (plus i really needed a drink.)

I decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak, and try to work out of my funk by going to Sunday Funday at LBL. I knew that I needed to get out of my own head and I figured the best way to do that would be to be around other people. I told Sandrene on the way there that I probably should have just stopped being a butthead and gone to church that morning, but going to LBL would be a start. I know that I was still pretty reserved last night, but I did interact a little bit.

On the way home someone was texting me about some issues that they are going through, and as I was reading and trying to talk them out of the funk that they were in, it became certain that the best way to get out of my own funk was to try to help other people out of theirs. I never realized how much I need to be needed. It is kind of strange. Anyway, a few text/messaging conversations later, and a few episodes of "Freaks and Geeks" (it still kills me that that series only lasted one season) and I went to sleep with my head on a little bit tighter.

***

One of the things that initially drug me down over the weekend was a packet that I received in the mail on Friday from my car insurance company. It told me that I had 10 days to provide a copy of my TN driver's license or I would be dropped from my policy. Because of a paperwork snafu, this isn't something that I can accomplish in 10 days, so I freaked out a little bit about that. Then we went somewhere in my car and it was making all sorts of insane noises and that freaked me out even more, and I just started worrying about EVERYTHING. I don't have a job. I don't have anyone to hang out with. There were a lot of "I don'ts" floating around in my head, and that monster just got the best of me, unfortunately.

But even though I was a sad, sappy mess, I never really thought "what am i doing here?" or "i made a mistake" because I don't even want to justify either of those statements. I am doing what I wanted to do, and I knew that it was going to be tough. I just have to work through the rough patches and trust God that things are going to be fine. They have been this far.

I called my car insurance provider today, told them my situation, and she said I have at least 30 days to get it taken care of, as well as gave me an email address to send all of the paperwork once I have everything together that I need. It is going to be fine; I am still covered and will not be dropped.

I have an appointment for next week to get finger-printed, and I am going to take the sub test this week when I have some time to sit quietly and do it. It might be another couple weeks before I have the job I want, but I realized that I can't get upset every time i get a "we have decided to go in another direction" email, because those jobs that I have been applying for arent really the jobs I want. I want to teach. I want to sub right now. I will make it work and things will be golden. I just have to realize that what I expected to be a rough first week might, in all honesty, be a rough first month.

But I will get there. I just have to stay positive.