i have been trying to figure out what to write for a few days now. i keep feeling like i need to update this blog out of obligation, and that is putting me in a mindset where i do not want to write. i am still going though a whole lot of crap and i don't know how public i want to be with most of it, so that creates a difficulty in setting a boundary here. today, though, i want to write, so let's see if i can finally get something worth reading out.
im still living on my friend's couch. i am thankful as anything that she is putting up with me, and that i have a place to rest my head at night, but i miss my bed. a lot. and my pile of shit in her apartment keeps getting bigger as i keep going to "rescue" things out of my storage unit. i am trying not to be too much of an annoyance because she is so awesome to open her home to me, but i am definitely a materialistic person, and i am having a hard time being separated from so much of my crap. Also, i feel like i am in college all over again-two girls in a studio apartment. its fun though, and its nice to have someone to talk to about the day as it winds down.
on the plus side, if everything works out this time, i should have an address again (and my bed!!!) in about a month. i am waiting on someone else to finish up their end of the paperwork, and i am terrible at waiting for anyone to do anything (i am the most impatient person i have ever met) but i need to trust that its going to be okay. i have no doubt that we will get approved once everything is taken care of, so i just have to sit tight and wait for things to play out. I keep finding myself wishing that i could see this less of a crisis and more of an adventure. Maybe i will be able to soon, or maybe that kind of thought just isnt possible in my head. i guess that is just one more thing i need to work on.
i told my mom the other day that i cant believe i have been here two years. she said she can. haha. i dont know how to take that, really. I feel like i just moved here, but i think that it because i never really settled. yes, i had a house (that i loved) and i have a job and friends and i even had (or didnt, again, depending on who you ask) a relationship. but i have never really felt settled. its bizarre, especially because its not like i have somewhere else in mind that i would rather be. i don't have any desire to move back to new jersey. of course i miss my friends and my family, but i feel like going back there would just be giving up, and im not about to quit.
i dont even think anyone would have blamed me if, at any point over the last six months, i just decided to pack it in and go home. the reality was that i wanted to go home with mom and dad when they left here while i was still in the hospital. i firmly believe that the reason i wasnt released until the day after they left was because if i was free to go, i would have been in the car with them and that would have been the end of all of this. and now? moving out of my house with nowhere lined up to move into and just kind of free floating? definitely another oppertunity to stop fighting and pack it in. don't think it hasnt been discussed, but ultimately it is not the time or the right thing for me.
there is something about nashville that makes the highs really fucking high and the lows so terribly low. or maybe that is just how life works and i wasnt really living it until i got here, so i never noticed. i mean, i wouldnt call this my first heartbreak (i remember that well, actually. i was on the side of the NJ turnpike puking my guts up in the pouring rain because i couldn't handle it) but its probably going to be the one that molds me the most, because of the circumstances. i was recently talking to someone about how i feel like everything that i should have experienced in my life is kind of hitting me all at once, and they agreed. She said that because i had spent so much time previously just existing, and now that i am living, i am definitely catching up, and that means that a lot of shit is going to come my way at once. its been a lot of negatives, lately, so i hope that i get a lot of the positives that i missed out on, too.
i said something really mean to someone today. i wont get into specifics, but as soon as it came out i wanted to take it back. i hope that all of this is not turning me into the kind of person that says really mean things. i dont want to be that girl.
i have a lot of work to do.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Saturday, July 18, 2015
"im a survivor, im gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving"
It's 4am. I should have fallen asleep hours ago but nights are when all of those stressful thoughts that you had pushed out of your mind all day come creeping back in and there's no distractions, so I am stuck facing them head on.
My last month or so has been pretty awful. I am either going through a breakup or not, depending on which one of us you ask. To me, we were more than just friends; to him, not so much. I honestly believe he is just telling himself that to make all of this easier on himself, but that is purely conjecture and should probably be stricken from the record. Whether this is a breakup or not, it has still upturned my entire life and left me scrambling in its wake.
Several months ago, for several reasons, there was a roommate shift in our house. Due to varying circumstances, one of our roommates was leaving and we were looking to fill that space. The problem was we needed someone that could handle taking over the master bedroom (the rent was higher) and who didn't have a car, as parking in our complex is a nightmare (what started this entire conversation was the complex trying to tow my car one night.)
I knew someone that fit the bill, and he and I had talked before about living together and how awesome we would be as roommates, but more recently had stopped talking. I knew, though, that this man was also very much in need of a place to go, and it just seemed like a win/win, even though we weren't on the same page in our "friendship." I sent him a text late that night, and he immediately responded with a resounding YES!! This was definitely not one of the best decisions I have made since I moved down here, but the theme of this move, as we all know by now, was to live my life, make mistakes, and figure out what I am meant for.
We moved him in and not a week later I ended up in the hospital. He was there every day to see me (until he bit it on the ice and ended up in the ER himself. Broken ribs and sheets of ice make it hard for anyone to do much of anything) and once I got out of the hospital we spent a lot of time together healing and hanging out. We were taking care of each other and helping each other mend. I joked that our living room was the new infirmary.
Things had actually been really amazing in our house. We lived together very well, and all three were getting along swimmingly. We knew our lease was set to end come July 31, and that our other roommate was going to be moving out into her own place, but he and I had settled on the fact that as long as we could stay here (they have been trying to sell our house to a buyer for months) that we would stay. He had just settled in and I was just not interested in moving my stuff. (I have a lot of stuff.) Then things changed.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of our personal lives here, the situation changed so drastically and so quickly that I was left breathless. I was not expecting any of this at all, and was blindly living my happy little life. Even though things were bad, I still wasn't really ready to move (and I am going to admit here that I was secretly hoping things would change back to how they were before, because we really were good roommates) so we decided after a bunch of deliberation that we would try to stay one more month until I could find a place to go. But I don't believe either of us were really sure that this was the best decision, and we had had a few arguments about it recently. We still have not signed anything, and I just cannot shake the feeling that resigning and living in this house with him for another month is the worst idea ever.
So tonight I texted him and told him that I thought it is a terrible idea. He asked what I am going to do, as I don't have anything lined up. I have a plan, devised tonight, that requires me sleeping on a futon in a living room for a few weeks until my new roommate and I can get the place we have our eye on (though because I was fearing that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, I have looked for a few other places, so that we have other options.) I will put all of my stuff (save for my records, my kitchenaid, and the clothes I'll need to get by) into a storage unit until we can move into a new place. I don't really want to be moving everything I own twice in a month, but I see no other option at this point. I came home from work tonight and packed a few boxes that I am taking back to Jersey with me to leave at Mom & Dad's until I get my life figured out. I am looking at renting a PO Box so that my mail will have somewhere to go. I have a plan.
Like I said, this has been an incredibly rough month for me. I totally disconnected for a little while. In the words of Radiohead, "for a minute there, I lost myself." But after a lot of hopelessness and whining and praying and begging and all of that, this plan was hatched. It is not ideal, but this is where my life is right now. Once again, I am blown away by the amount of love and support that I am surrounded with here in Nashville. I had briefly thought about (and still think about, every day) just packing it all in and going back north. A few weeks ago, in the thick of the worst of everything, my mom called me in the middle of the night because she knew something was wrong. I told her what was going on and told her, "I just want to come home. I need my mom." I DO need my mom, hence the trip back north this week (and I need my girls. It is going to be so perfect having all four of us in the same place at the same time again) but I don't want to go back north for good. I don't want to give up on whatever it is that has me down here. I am here for a reason. I am pretty positive that that reason was not to get my heart broken.
That makes me so excited to see what is next. I am going to get through this and come out even stronger and wiser than I already was. I fear that my heart may be a little harder for a while, but that comes with the territory. So yeah, I am going to be homeless for a little while (which I find extremely ironic considering I asked him to move in here to prevent him from becoming homeless and now he turned the tables and left me scrambling for a place to live, but it's all good. I'll be just fine) but this is just another chapter in my novel, and just another rebirth for me.
I always forget how strong I can be, and am always amazed at myself when I am that girl. I got this.
My last month or so has been pretty awful. I am either going through a breakup or not, depending on which one of us you ask. To me, we were more than just friends; to him, not so much. I honestly believe he is just telling himself that to make all of this easier on himself, but that is purely conjecture and should probably be stricken from the record. Whether this is a breakup or not, it has still upturned my entire life and left me scrambling in its wake.
Several months ago, for several reasons, there was a roommate shift in our house. Due to varying circumstances, one of our roommates was leaving and we were looking to fill that space. The problem was we needed someone that could handle taking over the master bedroom (the rent was higher) and who didn't have a car, as parking in our complex is a nightmare (what started this entire conversation was the complex trying to tow my car one night.)
I knew someone that fit the bill, and he and I had talked before about living together and how awesome we would be as roommates, but more recently had stopped talking. I knew, though, that this man was also very much in need of a place to go, and it just seemed like a win/win, even though we weren't on the same page in our "friendship." I sent him a text late that night, and he immediately responded with a resounding YES!! This was definitely not one of the best decisions I have made since I moved down here, but the theme of this move, as we all know by now, was to live my life, make mistakes, and figure out what I am meant for.
We moved him in and not a week later I ended up in the hospital. He was there every day to see me (until he bit it on the ice and ended up in the ER himself. Broken ribs and sheets of ice make it hard for anyone to do much of anything) and once I got out of the hospital we spent a lot of time together healing and hanging out. We were taking care of each other and helping each other mend. I joked that our living room was the new infirmary.
Things had actually been really amazing in our house. We lived together very well, and all three were getting along swimmingly. We knew our lease was set to end come July 31, and that our other roommate was going to be moving out into her own place, but he and I had settled on the fact that as long as we could stay here (they have been trying to sell our house to a buyer for months) that we would stay. He had just settled in and I was just not interested in moving my stuff. (I have a lot of stuff.) Then things changed.
Without getting into the nitty gritty of our personal lives here, the situation changed so drastically and so quickly that I was left breathless. I was not expecting any of this at all, and was blindly living my happy little life. Even though things were bad, I still wasn't really ready to move (and I am going to admit here that I was secretly hoping things would change back to how they were before, because we really were good roommates) so we decided after a bunch of deliberation that we would try to stay one more month until I could find a place to go. But I don't believe either of us were really sure that this was the best decision, and we had had a few arguments about it recently. We still have not signed anything, and I just cannot shake the feeling that resigning and living in this house with him for another month is the worst idea ever.
So tonight I texted him and told him that I thought it is a terrible idea. He asked what I am going to do, as I don't have anything lined up. I have a plan, devised tonight, that requires me sleeping on a futon in a living room for a few weeks until my new roommate and I can get the place we have our eye on (though because I was fearing that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak, I have looked for a few other places, so that we have other options.) I will put all of my stuff (save for my records, my kitchenaid, and the clothes I'll need to get by) into a storage unit until we can move into a new place. I don't really want to be moving everything I own twice in a month, but I see no other option at this point. I came home from work tonight and packed a few boxes that I am taking back to Jersey with me to leave at Mom & Dad's until I get my life figured out. I am looking at renting a PO Box so that my mail will have somewhere to go. I have a plan.
Like I said, this has been an incredibly rough month for me. I totally disconnected for a little while. In the words of Radiohead, "for a minute there, I lost myself." But after a lot of hopelessness and whining and praying and begging and all of that, this plan was hatched. It is not ideal, but this is where my life is right now. Once again, I am blown away by the amount of love and support that I am surrounded with here in Nashville. I had briefly thought about (and still think about, every day) just packing it all in and going back north. A few weeks ago, in the thick of the worst of everything, my mom called me in the middle of the night because she knew something was wrong. I told her what was going on and told her, "I just want to come home. I need my mom." I DO need my mom, hence the trip back north this week (and I need my girls. It is going to be so perfect having all four of us in the same place at the same time again) but I don't want to go back north for good. I don't want to give up on whatever it is that has me down here. I am here for a reason. I am pretty positive that that reason was not to get my heart broken.
That makes me so excited to see what is next. I am going to get through this and come out even stronger and wiser than I already was. I fear that my heart may be a little harder for a while, but that comes with the territory. So yeah, I am going to be homeless for a little while (which I find extremely ironic considering I asked him to move in here to prevent him from becoming homeless and now he turned the tables and left me scrambling for a place to live, but it's all good. I'll be just fine) but this is just another chapter in my novel, and just another rebirth for me.
I always forget how strong I can be, and am always amazed at myself when I am that girl. I got this.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
I feel stuck.
I feel stuck and I don't know what to do about any of it.
I moved down here in order to get my life together. I wanted to stop relying on everyone else and be able to succeed on my own. I wanted to get out of jobs that, while I may have loved, were nothing more than dead-ends. I tried advancing in both situations where I was happy, and was unsuccessful. I was given the oppertunity to move and start over and I took it. Stupidly, I thought things would be different down here.
I have been looking for something else for a while now, and have kicked it into high-gear more recently. I am struggling financially as it is and my bills are about to increase, so I need to figure out how I am going to handle that. A new job, or some other increase in income is obviously the best bet.
All of this would probably be a heck of a lot easier if I had any inkling of what it is I would like to be doing with the rest of my life. As it is, I have no dang clue.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being this miserable and scared and stressed out and freaked out. I hate having no direction and appearing to have no ambition. I hate being lost. I hate being stuck.
What the hell do I do now?
I feel stuck and I don't know what to do about any of it.
I moved down here in order to get my life together. I wanted to stop relying on everyone else and be able to succeed on my own. I wanted to get out of jobs that, while I may have loved, were nothing more than dead-ends. I tried advancing in both situations where I was happy, and was unsuccessful. I was given the oppertunity to move and start over and I took it. Stupidly, I thought things would be different down here.
I have been looking for something else for a while now, and have kicked it into high-gear more recently. I am struggling financially as it is and my bills are about to increase, so I need to figure out how I am going to handle that. A new job, or some other increase in income is obviously the best bet.
All of this would probably be a heck of a lot easier if I had any inkling of what it is I would like to be doing with the rest of my life. As it is, I have no dang clue.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being this miserable and scared and stressed out and freaked out. I hate having no direction and appearing to have no ambition. I hate being lost. I hate being stuck.
What the hell do I do now?
Sunday, March 15, 2015
"and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding..."
I went and had lunch with a dear friend today. It is sunny and warm and we sat outside at a great little Nashville cafe and talked about life and love and everything in between. The last time she saw me I was near dead, laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to too many machines that beeped. Its been a few weeks and I am doing much better, thankfully. (By all accounts, I should be dead now, and I know that I am insanely lucky that I pulled through it okay, and that I am still here.) My friend asked me if I have had any epiphanies stemming from my illness, and I thought it was a valid enough question that it even deserved a response on this old blog, which hasn't seen any action in longer that is fair.
I am a bad-ass bitch. I keep saying this because not only do I know it is true, but I think everyone else has a sense of that now as well. I said it to my mom on the phone the other day, and she laughed and said something about how I am so strong and so stubborn that God had to knock me on my ass TWICE and then paralyze my legs so that I would stop moving long enough to let someone get me the help I needed. Twice, yall. I had a pulmonary embolism that should have killed me. It was, on a size scale ranging 1-10, a 9. The doctor told my parents it was the largest that they had ever seen. And it took my going down TWICE and not being able to lift my legs up for me to concede and allow for help.
But that taught me that I need to slow down. I need to make time for myself and stop worrying so much about work or things or people that don't worry about me. So I need to slow down and I need to make sure that my energies are put into endeavors which are not just about someone else. So many people came to see me while I was laid up, or called, or texted, or checked in on facebook. Those people, the ones that made it a point to let me know that they were worried or thinking of me or just that they cared, those are the people that I am going to make time for in my life. I can no longer try to do everything for everyone. I was going to say that I am not a superhero, but I am kinda, so Ill just say that I am only a superhero for those that deserve my time. I dont think that is a horrible way to be, either. I used to think that it was; that I needed to be readily available for everyone that I knew all the time, and I just cannot be that girl anymore. It literally almost killed me.
I also know that where I am in my life is not where I want to be. I still love being in Nashville, but I feel like I am wasting my life right now, and so I am working on getting myself where I feel like I should be. This is proving difficult, however, as I have no idea what in the world I want to actually be doing with my life. This particular issue is one that I have been dealing with for quite a few years. If I could ask a magic 8 ball what I should be doing with my life, that would be the end of it, but that is not really an option, so I need to really search my heart and spend a lot of time in prayer asking for direction. I mean, if yall wanted to say a prayer or 17 that I find direction I would be okay with that.
The biggest thing I have noticed, but this is not just from being sick, but I think from living in the south in general, is how not worked up about stuff I get. Those of you who have known me since before the move know how high-strung and totally worked up I could get over the dumbest stuff. Like, fly-off-the-handle crazy over little things. The stuff we aren't supposed to sweat. Intense is a word that was thrown around more than once. Here is the difference though. Today, after a wonderful lunch in the warm sun with a good friend, I got to the parking lot to see that my car had been booted. I paid for my parking but didn't read the sign and didn't put my ticket in the dash. My own fault, as I was a dumb ass and didn't read instructions. I laughed a little, called myself a dumb ass, and called the number to have the guy come remove the boot, and then continued my conversation with Joni. Instead of freaking out over something that was going to be solved with no problem in just a few minutes (the old me) I looked at it as a chance to spend a few more minutes gabbing with a great lady who I don't get to spend enough time gabbing with. I am pretty proud of this growth.
Yes, almost croaking changes things; it changed me. I hate that it took something that extreme to wake me up, but my attention has been caught, and I am focusing a lot more on the positives and turning the negatives in my life into positives. Yes, I still get angry about shit. I am lost. I am going to be selfish or a doormat depending on the situations. I am not perfect, but I am trying to better myself, and that is what it's all about, right? I will leave this planet a little bit better than it was when I got here.
I am a bad-ass bitch. I keep saying this because not only do I know it is true, but I think everyone else has a sense of that now as well. I said it to my mom on the phone the other day, and she laughed and said something about how I am so strong and so stubborn that God had to knock me on my ass TWICE and then paralyze my legs so that I would stop moving long enough to let someone get me the help I needed. Twice, yall. I had a pulmonary embolism that should have killed me. It was, on a size scale ranging 1-10, a 9. The doctor told my parents it was the largest that they had ever seen. And it took my going down TWICE and not being able to lift my legs up for me to concede and allow for help.
But that taught me that I need to slow down. I need to make time for myself and stop worrying so much about work or things or people that don't worry about me. So I need to slow down and I need to make sure that my energies are put into endeavors which are not just about someone else. So many people came to see me while I was laid up, or called, or texted, or checked in on facebook. Those people, the ones that made it a point to let me know that they were worried or thinking of me or just that they cared, those are the people that I am going to make time for in my life. I can no longer try to do everything for everyone. I was going to say that I am not a superhero, but I am kinda, so Ill just say that I am only a superhero for those that deserve my time. I dont think that is a horrible way to be, either. I used to think that it was; that I needed to be readily available for everyone that I knew all the time, and I just cannot be that girl anymore. It literally almost killed me.
I also know that where I am in my life is not where I want to be. I still love being in Nashville, but I feel like I am wasting my life right now, and so I am working on getting myself where I feel like I should be. This is proving difficult, however, as I have no idea what in the world I want to actually be doing with my life. This particular issue is one that I have been dealing with for quite a few years. If I could ask a magic 8 ball what I should be doing with my life, that would be the end of it, but that is not really an option, so I need to really search my heart and spend a lot of time in prayer asking for direction. I mean, if yall wanted to say a prayer or 17 that I find direction I would be okay with that.
The biggest thing I have noticed, but this is not just from being sick, but I think from living in the south in general, is how not worked up about stuff I get. Those of you who have known me since before the move know how high-strung and totally worked up I could get over the dumbest stuff. Like, fly-off-the-handle crazy over little things. The stuff we aren't supposed to sweat. Intense is a word that was thrown around more than once. Here is the difference though. Today, after a wonderful lunch in the warm sun with a good friend, I got to the parking lot to see that my car had been booted. I paid for my parking but didn't read the sign and didn't put my ticket in the dash. My own fault, as I was a dumb ass and didn't read instructions. I laughed a little, called myself a dumb ass, and called the number to have the guy come remove the boot, and then continued my conversation with Joni. Instead of freaking out over something that was going to be solved with no problem in just a few minutes (the old me) I looked at it as a chance to spend a few more minutes gabbing with a great lady who I don't get to spend enough time gabbing with. I am pretty proud of this growth.
Yes, almost croaking changes things; it changed me. I hate that it took something that extreme to wake me up, but my attention has been caught, and I am focusing a lot more on the positives and turning the negatives in my life into positives. Yes, I still get angry about shit. I am lost. I am going to be selfish or a doormat depending on the situations. I am not perfect, but I am trying to better myself, and that is what it's all about, right? I will leave this planet a little bit better than it was when I got here.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
you've come a long way, baby
a year ago this week, i was in nashville visiting, trying to figure out if i was really, truly doing this, and if so, where in the world we were going to live.
i was meeting some of my friends here for the first time. i was learning my way around and trying to get the lay of the land. i was on the hunt for a job.
i moved in august, so i haven't been here quite a year yet, but it's really close. As im sitting here in my kitchen, up later than i should be, i am feeling particularly proud of myself tonight.
the main goal in mind when moving 801 miles away from everything i knew and everything i loved was to finally be an adult. just because legally i am classified as an adult does not mean i was acting like one. i was letting a lot of things hold me back, and it was absolutely cramping my style. but now here i am, sitting in the kitchen that i pay rent for, after hanging out all day with the friends that i have made, driving around in the car i am paying for with the money im making at my jobs. im working a job that i love that pays shit and a job that i hate (that also pays shit) but that i need to subsidize the income. i am making decisions that im not sure i would have been able to make a year ago. i am doing things, like buying a car, that i KNOW i would not have been able to handle a year ago.
obviously every day here is not sunshine and rainbows. as a matter of fact, i am just now climbing out of the darkest days i have had in a really long time. totaling my car put me into a super depressive mindset and no matter what i did, i could not get over myself or out of my own head for long enough to see that it was going to be okay. i was a mess and im glad that my friends here stood by me through that because im pretty sure i was no fun at all to be around.
but i have friends here that will stand by me in shit like that, and that i would do the same for in a heartbeat. i have an amazing "family" here that would give me the shirt off of their backs if i needed it, without my having to ask, and i absolutely would do the same. i know i would not have survived this last year, much less the last two months, without the friends i have made at work. i have made friends at work before, but i have never been in an environment quite like the one i am currently, and i count my lucky stars every day for that.
and i know that i am not done growing, or growing up. there are some goals that i had set for myself that i have not accomplished yet. some things that i still want to do, but i have time. and i am stronger now than i have ever been, and im gaining every day.
i finally got to go explore the Parthenon today with a friend of mine, and we were talking about another friend who left to move across the country recently. I stated that moving across the country and starting over has been the best thing i could have ever done for myself. it weeded out a lot of the bad seeds in my life, and the people from home that still remain are the ones that are worth keeping around. im learning things about myself that i never knew, and seeing how much i can do on my own. im also seeing how much i still need my family, and how much it hurts to be so far away from them. ive often thought that the only thing that would make nashville better would be if my family were here. maybe in time...
i dunno what is going to happen next...i am actively looking to make some changes in my life again, shake things up and test myself some more. but if you are reading this and thinking about making a change in your own life, no matter the size, i say do it. what is the point if you arent growing and changing? staying stagnant is no good for anyone, and im glad i finally rid myself of the film i was gathering by not moving.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
pity party.
It's been two weeks since the accident, and I am pretty sure that I have been more insufferable for the past two weeks than i have been for the first 33 years of my life. I can't stand to be around myself right now. At least the crying has mostly stopped, however. Silver lining and all that.
Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.
Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.
My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.
I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.
I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.
I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.
Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?
shit, man. shit.
Still no car, and still no money for a car. lots of people asking me about it though, which i understand is meant as a helpful or caring inquiry, but really it just stings of failure so it gets to me.
Last night at work i found myself so irritated by everything that it manifested itself into a rotten stomach ache. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be bothered by anyone, but I work in one of the busiest restaurants in downtown nashville, so i knew it was unlikely that id be left alone. I kept finding myself wanting to scream or hit something, neither of which would have been good, so I just swallowed all of that rage and kept on keeping on.
My independence has been stripped from me and i am not handling it well. I was asked tonight how im doing since the accident, and my response was that my bruises and ribs seem to be healing fine, but mentally I'm kind of a mess still. I have a really hard time relying on anyone else, and I am finding it very difficult to keep bothering everyone around me for rides back and forth to work. Someone offered me a conditional ride and then a few hours later i saw that same person go right out the front door without so much as a "hey, i cant take you, sorry." that is the shit that i cant take, because it makes me feel like a huge burden. And because I feel like im being a huge burden, every time i get a response from someone when I ask about catching a ride i am projecting my feelings on their responses.
I know people are worse off than i am right now. I talked to someone today who literally has no place to live. I just can't dismiss myself from this pity party, and it is eating me up inside.
I cannot wait to get home. I am hoping some time out of this situation helps me see things for what they are. I am also hoping that while I am there we can solve the problem, though I realize that is probably a stretch. I will say though that if, by the time i leave to come back on tuesday, there is no headway towards a solution, it is entirely possible that I stay there a while longer. This sitting alone in my house all day bullshit is for the birds. I live in a city but had more available to me within walking distance when i lived in the burbs. And I had the option of borrowing a car if i needed to be somewhere, and parents that didn't mind taking me to work.
I am totally alone here. No one has to help me, and if this keeps up too much longer, no one will.
Maybe I can stow away in Devin's luggage. Ireland is probably nice this time of year, right?
shit, man. shit.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
i am starting to wonder if maybe i am a quitter.
As I am positive you know by now, I totaled my car Monday morning. It was raining, and I was making a left hand turn into the gas station where I work. There was a bus coming, as well as some cars behind it, but they all stopped (in the lane farthest from me, what would be their right lane) so that I could go across. There was no traffic in the left lane. I looked to make sure it was safe, and I guess at the same time as I went across, a lady behind the bus saw no point in sitting there and waiting for me and passed the bus on the right hand side, so that i couldnt see her, and she slammed right into me. The thing is, because I was making a left hand turn and because there is a right-turn lane that starts right about where she passed the bus, I am likely to be found at fault.
Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )
I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.
Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)
I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.
On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.
I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.
And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.
Thankfully, I was not issued a ticket. I dont know if she was. I have not seen the police report, and frankly I was too hysterical to even grasp a word the officer was saying to me whenever I finally got out of my car. (She hit me so hard that it shifted the entire front end, so I could not open the driver's side door. )
I am alright. I have some pretty gnarly bruises, some airbag burns, and am a little sore, but considering how hard she hit me and how much damage there was, I feel like I got away pretty lucky.
Now, though, the shitty part is because I am dumb and had no idea what I was doing, I only have liability on my car. While I haven't gotten official word, it sounds like it is going to be my fault because I was the one turning, and if that is the case, I am SOL in terms of getting anything towards a new car. (While I haven't heard on this either, I am positive that my poor baby will be totaled, as was the guy at the wreck yard where my car is currently sitting.)
I have been in Nashville nearly 10 months. I am struggling financially, and this burden is going to make things a hell of a lot worse. I was scraping by, but a car payment is going to be next to impossible. I just keep thinking that if this were to have happened at home, I would have some sort of safety net. I worked with my mom, so when I didn't have a car I would still have a ride to work, and even if she didn't go in it was four blocks from my house, so I could walk. I live about 20 minutes from either job, and while I *think* I can take a bus to get to my main job, the bus ride to the second job is nearly two hours and a taxi would cost more than I make in a shift, so that isn't going to work.
On at least six different occasions in the past 48 hours I have considered calling my dad and just asking him to come get me and bring me home. Maybe what I was supposed to learn from this whole adventure is that I am incapable of actually being an adult and doing adult things and that I should just give up and go home.
I don't know. I don't think that is what I really want, but I do know that I tried to call home after I called 911 and no one answered (Dad was helping Boo move into his new house and Mom was at work) and I just kept telling the fireman that I couldn't find my dad and that I needed to talk to him. Eventually I did call his cell phone and talk to him. And I am fine. And I will figure all of this out. It just might mean relying on other people for a little while, which sucks.
And Devin is right-I did need a new car. I could have dealt without the bruises and panic attack though.
Friday, March 14, 2014
I have no witty title for this post. I am tired and my brain has shut off.
While I have updated in blurbs and blips, I feel like I haven’t really sat down and put my thoughts on the screen in a while, and since I have some down time, it seems like as good a time as any to go for it. I feel like I have several topics to discuss, so I am just going to go with bullet points (number 5 with a bullet, anyone) so that I can at least touch on everything. Or some things, as now that I am sitting down to write I can’t remember what in the world I wanted to talk about.
~I did finally quit Babies R Us after I came back from Christmas. I ended up just stopping showing up, because since I had tried to quit twice before that and basically was told that I couldn’t quit, I figured this was the only way out. I felt bad because my manager did try very hard to accommodate my needs, but in the end, the place was just too miserable to continue showing up every week.
~I had a bunch of downtime during the day after Christmas, since the restaurant was only open at night, so I set out looking for a second job. One of the servers helped me out and got me hired at the gas station where she works, but the timing is awful. I started on a thursday. the Saturday following was the day we went back to our regular schedule, and since we are down a retail person, I am working a lot there. I am going to try to make it work because the extra cash is necessary, but I’m worried about how difficult this is going to be.
~I feel like I have made some actual friends here, so that is good. And I have ridiculous drama, so while I am not a fan of the drama (who are we kidding here, I live on that shit) I am glad that I have people in my life that I feel comfortable enough to dish the dirty details to. And it is really, really nice to be included in the after-work drinks and such. My coworkers are the only people I see, so it’s nice to be included.
~My brother is getting married over Memorial Day weekend, so I booked a flight earlier this week and will be home for a few days. I have a lot planned already, but if you want to see me, let me know, and we will try to work something out. (So much for not telling anyone when I was coming home again.)
~I think the weirdest thing about moving and the subsequent changes has been the shift in my priorities. A song popped on in my car the other night as I was driving home from work, and it really got me thinking. The lyrics used to resonate so much inside me, and now those same words barely registered with me. The situation that I was in when I first heard those words is basically just an afterthought at this point, and I never thought I would see that happen. It surprises me every day how much change comes with a change in scenery.
~I am considering a break from facebook. Looking at it does more harm than good and I am honestly way too addicted to it for my own good. Over the past week I have come across some posts that have hurt my feelings or pissed me off and it’s really not worth getting that upset over bs. The only reason I haven’t taken a break just yet is because I know how much some people rely on it to keep in touch with me. I remember how productive I was when I was off of facebook last summer, and I feel like I could really use some time like that again. Don’t be surprised if you notice I’m gone. And if you are relying on fb to keep in touch and would like alternate means in case I do go away, I will gladly give you my cell phone number. Just ask.
Well, my computer battery is almost dead and I can’t think of anything else that I need to share right now, so I am going to end here for now. There will likely be more at some point, but who can say, really?
Monday, March 10, 2014
on hobbies
I was chatting with a coworker in the break room the other night, and the question posed to me was, "what do you do with your spare time?" I realized something very disturbing at that moment-the answer is "nothing." I have spent so long working my ass off, working so many different jobs and so many hours a week, that i have forgotten what it is like to have a hobby.
My sewing machine and some of my craft stuff made it down here in the move, but its sitting in a box in the corner of the living room because i haven't had the spare cash to pick up a table/desk/flat surface in which to set my sewing machine up, and there is nowhere in the house currently that would be suitable. I have a few friends here now, but its nearly impossible to make plans with anyone. I do go out after work sometimes with a few coworkers, but i highly doubt that "going to the bar" or "drinking" are really appropriate answers to that question. I know that I don't WANT those things to be hobbies. I definitely do not mind going out once in a while and having the opportunity to get to know my coworkers outside of the four walls and horse statues that encase us most of the time, but I don't want the drinking or the late nights at the bar to become habit.
Nashville is a pretty thriving city. It's clearly not NYC or Philly, but I love that its a city without being unmanageable. I learned my way around pretty quickly and can navigate myself from here to there with little to no help from google maps these days. You would think that I would be able to find SOMETHING to do to pass the time that I'm not at work, right?
So, I need suggestions. How does one go about finding a new hobby? It's pretty nice outside most days now, so I would definitely like to do something that requires leaving my house. I have considered walking/eventually getting into running, but I have never, ever been a runner, even when I played sports, so I don't know if that is something that I would actually follow through with. I, at some point, will figure out a solution to the sewing machine conundrum so that i can get back to that, because i miss the creative outlet, but i still need something else.
What are your hobbies? how did you get into them? do you think its something that my lazy ass would like? help!!
My sewing machine and some of my craft stuff made it down here in the move, but its sitting in a box in the corner of the living room because i haven't had the spare cash to pick up a table/desk/flat surface in which to set my sewing machine up, and there is nowhere in the house currently that would be suitable. I have a few friends here now, but its nearly impossible to make plans with anyone. I do go out after work sometimes with a few coworkers, but i highly doubt that "going to the bar" or "drinking" are really appropriate answers to that question. I know that I don't WANT those things to be hobbies. I definitely do not mind going out once in a while and having the opportunity to get to know my coworkers outside of the four walls and horse statues that encase us most of the time, but I don't want the drinking or the late nights at the bar to become habit.
Nashville is a pretty thriving city. It's clearly not NYC or Philly, but I love that its a city without being unmanageable. I learned my way around pretty quickly and can navigate myself from here to there with little to no help from google maps these days. You would think that I would be able to find SOMETHING to do to pass the time that I'm not at work, right?
So, I need suggestions. How does one go about finding a new hobby? It's pretty nice outside most days now, so I would definitely like to do something that requires leaving my house. I have considered walking/eventually getting into running, but I have never, ever been a runner, even when I played sports, so I don't know if that is something that I would actually follow through with. I, at some point, will figure out a solution to the sewing machine conundrum so that i can get back to that, because i miss the creative outlet, but i still need something else.
What are your hobbies? how did you get into them? do you think its something that my lazy ass would like? help!!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
There is a light that never goes out
In the last entry, I promised that I would try to be more upbeat following that one, and while things aren't all sunshine and rainbows yet, I am in a much better headspace than I have been, so its safe to update again. (yes, even though I am currently listening to The Smiths, I am doing a little bit better.)
I have been hanging out a little bit outside of work, which has been awesome. Last week a whole slew of us went out to celebrate the birthdays of a few co-workers, which was a drunken mess, mostly, but it was really awesome to get to talk to people in a different environment than usual. I mean, work is great and I love it, but there is just a difference when you are with people outside of work. For instance, two people can carry on an entire conversation and not have to stop in the middle of a sentence to help a guest or answer a phone or whatever random other thing pops up to prevent us from really having the chance to bond.
Last night a few of us went bowling, which was also a good time. It was different than when we all went to the bar, though, because at the bar there were like 30 of us or something, and bowling was only a few of us, so it was even easier to talk to each other and hang out. Today my finger hurt in a very particular place, and it took me all night to realize that it was because of the way I was holding the bowling ball last night.
Last week I learned that I have officially achieved full-time status at work (which makes sense since I have been working full-time hours since day one). Yesterday, for the first time ever, I got paid for a holiday without working. I have had jobs that paid time and a half for holidays, but never one that does holiday pay, so that made me pretty happy. Today, I figured out what I needed to do to sign up for health insurance (which was not hard, i just didn't see the message before today), so i'm all squared away and my coverage starts in a few weeks. I am pretty stoked about that.
Like really, very stoked.
This entire move has been an exercise in transition and change, both of which have been historically hard for me to handle. But I think that maybe I am learning that change isn't quite as scary as I had previously believed. Letting go of things that have been holding me back has been more freeing than I can even describe, and it is happening in every facet of my existence. At my core, I am still who I have always been, but that girl is finding her freedom and making herself known, and I think I was keeping a lot of who I am buried under layers of who I used to be. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It is quarter after two in the morning and I am listening to Dustin Kensrue cover Leonard Cohen, so who even knows what is going on right now.
I feel like I have more to say, but I think that is enough introspection for the night. I spent last night curled up watching "Angus" (one of my favorite movies ever. the soundtrack kicks major rear end.) and I think I am going to pick another movie and do the same thing tonight. Really I should just close my eyes and attempt to fall asleep, but I have been so terrible at sleeping lately that I feel like it probably isn't even worth the attempt at this point.
I was actually considering making myself some coffee, but I think that might wake the whole house, and they have to get up for work in a few hours.
I have been hanging out a little bit outside of work, which has been awesome. Last week a whole slew of us went out to celebrate the birthdays of a few co-workers, which was a drunken mess, mostly, but it was really awesome to get to talk to people in a different environment than usual. I mean, work is great and I love it, but there is just a difference when you are with people outside of work. For instance, two people can carry on an entire conversation and not have to stop in the middle of a sentence to help a guest or answer a phone or whatever random other thing pops up to prevent us from really having the chance to bond.
Last night a few of us went bowling, which was also a good time. It was different than when we all went to the bar, though, because at the bar there were like 30 of us or something, and bowling was only a few of us, so it was even easier to talk to each other and hang out. Today my finger hurt in a very particular place, and it took me all night to realize that it was because of the way I was holding the bowling ball last night.
Last week I learned that I have officially achieved full-time status at work (which makes sense since I have been working full-time hours since day one). Yesterday, for the first time ever, I got paid for a holiday without working. I have had jobs that paid time and a half for holidays, but never one that does holiday pay, so that made me pretty happy. Today, I figured out what I needed to do to sign up for health insurance (which was not hard, i just didn't see the message before today), so i'm all squared away and my coverage starts in a few weeks. I am pretty stoked about that.
Like really, very stoked.
This entire move has been an exercise in transition and change, both of which have been historically hard for me to handle. But I think that maybe I am learning that change isn't quite as scary as I had previously believed. Letting go of things that have been holding me back has been more freeing than I can even describe, and it is happening in every facet of my existence. At my core, I am still who I have always been, but that girl is finding her freedom and making herself known, and I think I was keeping a lot of who I am buried under layers of who I used to be. Does that even make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It is quarter after two in the morning and I am listening to Dustin Kensrue cover Leonard Cohen, so who even knows what is going on right now.
I feel like I have more to say, but I think that is enough introspection for the night. I spent last night curled up watching "Angus" (one of my favorite movies ever. the soundtrack kicks major rear end.) and I think I am going to pick another movie and do the same thing tonight. Really I should just close my eyes and attempt to fall asleep, but I have been so terrible at sleeping lately that I feel like it probably isn't even worth the attempt at this point.
I was actually considering making myself some coffee, but I think that might wake the whole house, and they have to get up for work in a few hours.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
livin' the dream, y'all...
i promise that i will post a positive entry soon, and that things aren't as dreadful as the last few posts suggest. I have just needed a place to vent, and this is that place.
but that promise will begin after this entry, because right now im pretty sure we moved to the backwoods or something.
we havent had running water for over 24 hours. i mind, of course, but it didn't bother me so much today as i had nowhere to be, so a shower wasnt high on the list of priorities. however, there are some things that need to be handled, and without getting all sorts of graphic, this is not a very good week to not have running water.
beyond wanting to take a shower, i really just want to be able to flush the dang toilet. seriously. i poured water into the bowl, but i wasnt successful in making it flush.
i would have poured more water in and tried again, but i literally had to pry change out of my (food)lion bank in order to even afford the bottles i ran out to pick up tonight, and didn't really want to go about wasting anymore.
i did, however, go to walmart at midnight, unshowered and in my sweatpants, to pay for bottled water in change, so that was a definite highlight of my life right there.
i contacted the landlord earlier today. he said someone would come out but to my knowledge that didn't happen. roomie said she's calling him tomorrow because this shit is bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S.)
other roomie's boyfriend sent home some bottled water, so we were all able to brush our teeth tonight, which was a definite perk.
the temperature is supposed to get above freezing tomorrow, so if they are just frozen then we should be back in business, however, it is easily 100 degrees in our upstairs (even on these polar frosty nights, i've slept with my window open because of how awful it is up here) so the likelihood of that being the cause of this seems low.
i just pray that i wake up tomorrow to the sound of faucets throughout the house needing to be shut off.
but that promise will begin after this entry, because right now im pretty sure we moved to the backwoods or something.
we havent had running water for over 24 hours. i mind, of course, but it didn't bother me so much today as i had nowhere to be, so a shower wasnt high on the list of priorities. however, there are some things that need to be handled, and without getting all sorts of graphic, this is not a very good week to not have running water.
beyond wanting to take a shower, i really just want to be able to flush the dang toilet. seriously. i poured water into the bowl, but i wasnt successful in making it flush.
i would have poured more water in and tried again, but i literally had to pry change out of my (food)lion bank in order to even afford the bottles i ran out to pick up tonight, and didn't really want to go about wasting anymore.
i did, however, go to walmart at midnight, unshowered and in my sweatpants, to pay for bottled water in change, so that was a definite highlight of my life right there.
i contacted the landlord earlier today. he said someone would come out but to my knowledge that didn't happen. roomie said she's calling him tomorrow because this shit is bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S.)
other roomie's boyfriend sent home some bottled water, so we were all able to brush our teeth tonight, which was a definite perk.
the temperature is supposed to get above freezing tomorrow, so if they are just frozen then we should be back in business, however, it is easily 100 degrees in our upstairs (even on these polar frosty nights, i've slept with my window open because of how awful it is up here) so the likelihood of that being the cause of this seems low.
i just pray that i wake up tomorrow to the sound of faucets throughout the house needing to be shut off.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
winter wonderland
It's snowing right now, and today's high is 9*.
One of the main reasons I packed up and headed south, away from everything i know and love, was because my body just could not take another jersey winter...seems to be working out really well for me right now, yeah?
I feel like i am at a stalemate with this city. i dont really know how else to describe it. I have been here long enough that i should have made some friends by now. I mean, i certainly have people that i am friendly with, but as we are getting snowed in, one roomie is in NYC with a group of friends and the other is with her friend, so im sitting here alone. i dont mind being alone, i have gotten very good at it, but the hope was that after being here a few months, id have people in my life so that i wouldnt have to be here alone.
i think the friendship thing is really my only issue with living here, and if im being totally honest with myself, i was having friendship issues when i was still in jersey, too. I mean yes, my most recent trip home was spent trying to divide time among all of the people that wanted to see me, and i did not get to see everyone that i wanted to see, however for months and months before i left, i recall struggling to find people that had time to see me most days, so it wasnt really too far off from what im dealing with here.
one of the most difficult things about trying to form friendships here is that because i work in a bar/restaurant, i work weird hours. i was recently trying to make plans with someone, and im only available during the daytime on weekdays, so if someone works a "banker's hours" job, i will very rarely be able to make plans with them.
i love living in nashville. i love my job. i just wish i could figure out how to have a life outside of that job. im kind of ready to throw in the towel on this whole adventure and just go back to jersey when my lease is up. at least when i was at home and had no one to hang out with, my parents were around.
One of the main reasons I packed up and headed south, away from everything i know and love, was because my body just could not take another jersey winter...seems to be working out really well for me right now, yeah?
I feel like i am at a stalemate with this city. i dont really know how else to describe it. I have been here long enough that i should have made some friends by now. I mean, i certainly have people that i am friendly with, but as we are getting snowed in, one roomie is in NYC with a group of friends and the other is with her friend, so im sitting here alone. i dont mind being alone, i have gotten very good at it, but the hope was that after being here a few months, id have people in my life so that i wouldnt have to be here alone.
i think the friendship thing is really my only issue with living here, and if im being totally honest with myself, i was having friendship issues when i was still in jersey, too. I mean yes, my most recent trip home was spent trying to divide time among all of the people that wanted to see me, and i did not get to see everyone that i wanted to see, however for months and months before i left, i recall struggling to find people that had time to see me most days, so it wasnt really too far off from what im dealing with here.
one of the most difficult things about trying to form friendships here is that because i work in a bar/restaurant, i work weird hours. i was recently trying to make plans with someone, and im only available during the daytime on weekdays, so if someone works a "banker's hours" job, i will very rarely be able to make plans with them.
i love living in nashville. i love my job. i just wish i could figure out how to have a life outside of that job. im kind of ready to throw in the towel on this whole adventure and just go back to jersey when my lease is up. at least when i was at home and had no one to hang out with, my parents were around.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
killing time in the airport...
It’s been a while since I have found time to sit down and write in here, but since I am sitting idly at the airport, waiting to board my delayed flight, I figured now would be as good a time as any to catch up on the last four months of my life.
Thanksgiving was the first holiday ever (if I recall correctly) that I have spent away from my family. I had originally RSVP’ed to a gathering at a friend’s house south of the city, but decided a few days before hand that I really just wanted to stay home, cook for myself, and then maybe go see a movie or something; keep things real low-key, you know? But as it turned out, my friends didn’t have that same plan for me, and Brian showed up at my door and dragged me out of the house.
Dinner was awesome, and the fellowship was as well. A wise man once told me that community is good for the soul. I believe him. There was gun shooting, both in real life and in video game form, lots of talking and eating, and a general sense of family. It was a nice time.
I have been working a lot between WHS and BRU. Things at BRU have kind of leveled off, which is probably for the best. I am still there, and my boss told me a few days ago that I need to stop worrying so much about being unreliable or thinking that I am going to be fired every time I mess up and sleep through my alarm or need to call out (which happens more than I’d care to admit.) He said that I am a hard worker and that he understands that WHS is my priority and that he comes second. Either I am more awesome than I ever imagined, or he is REALLY hard up for employees. It is probably a healthy mix of both.
WHS is still awesome as ever. I am actually kind of sad to be away from there for the next week, though obviously of course I am super excited to go back to Jersey and see my family. I am finally starting to make friends with some of the people at WHS though, and that is making an already awesome place to work that much better.
I think this is true of most restaurant/bar atmospheres, and of some other types of workplaces, I am sure, but WHS feels like a family. A big, dysfunctional family. We work the same sorts of crazy hours, we deal with the same nutty customers, and we identify with our co-workers when there is an issue. I mean, I have worked in close-knit groups before, but there is something different about a restaurant family. I dunno. I just know that I am happy there.
Hmm...What else is there to update yall on? My roommate K and I took advantage of my G/O employee benefits and went to the hotel to see ICE! and all of the lights at the hotel. I have heard all kinds of good things about it, but I was in awe when I finally got to see it for myself. I mean, I knew it was going to be pretty extensive, as they were hanging lights before I started with the company in the beginning of September, but I wasnt expecting SO many lights. We road the riverboat in the Delta and walked around the Cascades. We popped our heads into the other sections, too, but it was getting late and we were both hungry, so we didn’t tour them.
ICE! was also really cool, literally. 8* cool. If you don’t know what ICE! is, G/O flies artists in from China to carve into blocks of ice scenes from Frosty the Snowman. There is a slide made of ice, and several scenes from the movie, as well as Times Square and a really beautiful nativity scene. I feel like I should say more about it, but I can’t think of anything else. There are pictures on my fb if you want to see them for yourself.
So I guess overall things are going well. I am not quite exactly where I want to be, but as I am sitting here in the airport I am having mixed emotions about leaving Nashville. Yes, it is only for a week, but this place is my home now, for sure, and I am sure that I will be ready to return when the time comes.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
welp...
Today was a pretty good day. I got to go out to church, which i hardly ever get to do these days. Pastor Jamie's sermon was on point, as always, and once again I walked away feeling like I had learned something new, which was great.
After church a few of us went to Moe's for lunch, and it was good to connect with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I feel very secluded because of the hours that I work, so it is always good to get to hang out with people.
I came home after all that with the intention of taking a nap, but got a text message from a friend from home saying "I was just walking in downtown nashville." OBVIOUSLY I needed to forgo the nap to go and see Ivy and Phillip, so I drove out to Opry Mills and saw a movie with them. Because I was late getting out there and because I had plans after, we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked but it was really great to get to hang out with them.
Iron & Wine were playing out at the Ryman tonight, and I couldn't think of a better place to see Sam Beam and company, so I headed out there. The show was great, although too short (i think no time will be enough when it comes to seeing I&W) and I laughed a LOT. Mr. Beam was really chatty tonight and super silly, so that made for an extra fun show.
But now I have a problem.
So this boy ended up sitting next to me, and we hit it off right away. We were chatting about all sorts of things, even a little bit through the band's set. We were still talking on the way out, and he asked me what i was doing after. I said nothing, and as soon as that happened, his buddy and buddy's g/f came over and they were talking, which was fine. But then we were walking out the door and he ducked off into the bathroom and I didn't know what to do so I just kept going out the door. I got outside and waited around for a second but then I didn't know if i should or what I should be doing, so I just left.
This is why I will be single forever. I am TERRIBLE when it comes to boys.
Guys, this dude was a beardy musician who is from Atlanta but lived in freaking Williamsburg for a while before moving to Nashville. I didn't find out where he works, but he does know where I work, and I know that he hangs out in east nashville quite often.
I suck.
I am hoping that because nashville is such a small town I will run into him again.
I should have grabbed his iphone and put my number in it or something. I am an idiot.
hashtag this is why im single.
After church a few of us went to Moe's for lunch, and it was good to connect with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I feel very secluded because of the hours that I work, so it is always good to get to hang out with people.
I came home after all that with the intention of taking a nap, but got a text message from a friend from home saying "I was just walking in downtown nashville." OBVIOUSLY I needed to forgo the nap to go and see Ivy and Phillip, so I drove out to Opry Mills and saw a movie with them. Because I was late getting out there and because I had plans after, we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked but it was really great to get to hang out with them.
Iron & Wine were playing out at the Ryman tonight, and I couldn't think of a better place to see Sam Beam and company, so I headed out there. The show was great, although too short (i think no time will be enough when it comes to seeing I&W) and I laughed a LOT. Mr. Beam was really chatty tonight and super silly, so that made for an extra fun show.
But now I have a problem.
So this boy ended up sitting next to me, and we hit it off right away. We were chatting about all sorts of things, even a little bit through the band's set. We were still talking on the way out, and he asked me what i was doing after. I said nothing, and as soon as that happened, his buddy and buddy's g/f came over and they were talking, which was fine. But then we were walking out the door and he ducked off into the bathroom and I didn't know what to do so I just kept going out the door. I got outside and waited around for a second but then I didn't know if i should or what I should be doing, so I just left.
This is why I will be single forever. I am TERRIBLE when it comes to boys.
Guys, this dude was a beardy musician who is from Atlanta but lived in freaking Williamsburg for a while before moving to Nashville. I didn't find out where he works, but he does know where I work, and I know that he hangs out in east nashville quite often.
I suck.
I am hoping that because nashville is such a small town I will run into him again.
I should have grabbed his iphone and put my number in it or something. I am an idiot.
hashtag this is why im single.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Cash Rules Everything Around Me
One of the big reasons for my wanting to move was so that I could teach myself financial responsibility. I have always been a flake when it comes to money. I am fully aware of this, and knew that having my dad handling that stuff for me was no way for me to ever learn it. (I fully contend that they should make money management classes a requirement for HS graduation, and that they need to do a better job of warning college students about what they are getting into when they take out enormous loans to pay for school. I do believe that I would be in a much better place financially if those two things had happened. Alas, they did not, so here I am.)
Keeping track of what I am spending by writing it down every night has been super helpful in regards to spending money. For instance, I was out this morning at target, and was debating stopping at Starbucks for my "take to work" coffee. I typically stop at the gas station and pick up a cup of their sludge or if I am feeling super frugal, I brew some at home before I leave (though even though I worked at wawa for nine years, I suck at making coffee.) I walked past the starbucks counter in the target because there was a line of four people and I didn't feel like waiting, and decided when I was nearing the actual Starbucks store that I did not want to stop because not only is a soy latte upwards of four dollars, but I would have to later enter that into the book, which was something I just wasn't vibing on.
I have been doing this exercise since the beginning of the month, and figured by the end of the month I would be able to create a budget, and from there I would be able to allot specific values to rent, bills, entertainment, gas, and pre-work coffee runs. I thought I could also determine which was the best week to pay specific bills, based on both when they are due, and when there is money for them.
For the most part I have all of the logistics figured out, but I am still struggling with two things. The first is that while it all makes sense on paper, and even in theory, in practice I cannot master the art of budgeting my money. I don't know why my brain has such a block on this, and like I said, things are getting better, but I feel like I always miss something huge that sets me back once I think I have things squared away. The second thing, which I believe is probably the more important one, is that I do not make enough money to cover my expenses. I have lived pretty bare-bones this month (hence the weight loss. no money=no food.) and am still in the negative as the month closes out. I am working two jobs and working a decent amount at both of them, and still feel like I have nothing to show for it. Ideally, I would like to be making enough money so that I am living comfortably by my standards (which honestly aren't very high, really, though I miss eating) AND be able to put some cash back into my totally depleted savings account each week.
This is only going to get worse soon, as (thankfully, and boy am I not complaining) I will qualify for medical benefits within the next month or so at WHS, so that will be additional cash coming out of my checks each week. Some of that will be compensated by the addition of the cash that I will not be paying out for the benefits that I am losing at BRU thanks to the Affordable Care Act, but having paid into benefits before, my best guess is that those two numbers will not balance out.
Part of the problem is that I am working for peanuts at BRU. No one can live on minimum wage. I consider quitting every single day, but quitting without something better will only compound the issue. That brings me to the next point, which is that it is really, really hard to find something to work around a retail schedule that changes week to week. The only good thing about working at BRU is that because they need me way more than I need them (yes, that is still true despite what this entry is saying) I can set my own schedule and they work with me on it, and are really flexible with my needing to change things, even last minute. Hell, even when I sleep through a shift. Ideally, I want to be back in a school setting in some capacity. Or even childcare that would still allow for me to work nights and weekends at WHS. But I have been applying and applying and applying, and have not gotten any response back from any of the schools or the Metro Nashville School District.
I wasn't too worried about financials when I decided to make this move because I fully believed that God wanted me to be here, and that He would provide so that I would be able to make ends meet, but right now that is not the case, and I don't want to fall behind any farther on any of my bills.
And because I enter all of my receipts into the binder at the end of the day, this is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep every night.
I hate money.
Keeping track of what I am spending by writing it down every night has been super helpful in regards to spending money. For instance, I was out this morning at target, and was debating stopping at Starbucks for my "take to work" coffee. I typically stop at the gas station and pick up a cup of their sludge or if I am feeling super frugal, I brew some at home before I leave (though even though I worked at wawa for nine years, I suck at making coffee.) I walked past the starbucks counter in the target because there was a line of four people and I didn't feel like waiting, and decided when I was nearing the actual Starbucks store that I did not want to stop because not only is a soy latte upwards of four dollars, but I would have to later enter that into the book, which was something I just wasn't vibing on.
I have been doing this exercise since the beginning of the month, and figured by the end of the month I would be able to create a budget, and from there I would be able to allot specific values to rent, bills, entertainment, gas, and pre-work coffee runs. I thought I could also determine which was the best week to pay specific bills, based on both when they are due, and when there is money for them.
For the most part I have all of the logistics figured out, but I am still struggling with two things. The first is that while it all makes sense on paper, and even in theory, in practice I cannot master the art of budgeting my money. I don't know why my brain has such a block on this, and like I said, things are getting better, but I feel like I always miss something huge that sets me back once I think I have things squared away. The second thing, which I believe is probably the more important one, is that I do not make enough money to cover my expenses. I have lived pretty bare-bones this month (hence the weight loss. no money=no food.) and am still in the negative as the month closes out. I am working two jobs and working a decent amount at both of them, and still feel like I have nothing to show for it. Ideally, I would like to be making enough money so that I am living comfortably by my standards (which honestly aren't very high, really, though I miss eating) AND be able to put some cash back into my totally depleted savings account each week.
This is only going to get worse soon, as (thankfully, and boy am I not complaining) I will qualify for medical benefits within the next month or so at WHS, so that will be additional cash coming out of my checks each week. Some of that will be compensated by the addition of the cash that I will not be paying out for the benefits that I am losing at BRU thanks to the Affordable Care Act, but having paid into benefits before, my best guess is that those two numbers will not balance out.
Part of the problem is that I am working for peanuts at BRU. No one can live on minimum wage. I consider quitting every single day, but quitting without something better will only compound the issue. That brings me to the next point, which is that it is really, really hard to find something to work around a retail schedule that changes week to week. The only good thing about working at BRU is that because they need me way more than I need them (yes, that is still true despite what this entry is saying) I can set my own schedule and they work with me on it, and are really flexible with my needing to change things, even last minute. Hell, even when I sleep through a shift. Ideally, I want to be back in a school setting in some capacity. Or even childcare that would still allow for me to work nights and weekends at WHS. But I have been applying and applying and applying, and have not gotten any response back from any of the schools or the Metro Nashville School District.
I wasn't too worried about financials when I decided to make this move because I fully believed that God wanted me to be here, and that He would provide so that I would be able to make ends meet, but right now that is not the case, and I don't want to fall behind any farther on any of my bills.
And because I enter all of my receipts into the binder at the end of the day, this is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep every night.
I hate money.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
That was the day that our town changed-that we were changed.
in just a few hours, one year ago, i was awaken by a text message that simply said "they found her." I was SO sure that she was just hiding out somewhere, mostly because i couldnt believe that anyone in our town was capable of anything worse. It took me a minute for the realization of what was being said to hit me. I sat up for the rest of the night, numb, and wondering how we were going to make it through school that day. There was a lot of crying and hugging in the hallways, but we had 800 kids who were counting on us to be strong for them, and that was what our jobs were, as staff at Simmons.
I spent that day, and the ones after it, in a complete fog. We all did.
That friday before, there was a train vs car accident right behind our school, at morning arrival time, involving the mother and baby brother of two of our students. We spent all day friday whispering to each other and giving glances because while we knew who was involved, the students' didn't.
Then came Saturday. The day they took you from your family. We were all at the homecoming game, cheering on our team and hanging out, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I still have such a hard time thinking back to that day because it kills me to know that we were all at that game and just a few blocks away, you were taking your last breaths, over a bicycle.
We spent the next few days searching everywhere. I was so convinced that you had run away or were hiding. I just could not wrap my head around anything worse than a teenage stunt. Those things didn't happen in the town that we grew up in. The town where your awesome Grandmom taught for years, and where your father, your aunts and uncles, and you and your siblings all went to school.
People tried to blame it on race, and Clayton was not that town. Racism is so foreign to me because of where I grew up, and I am thankful every day for that. There are a lot of factors to blame this on, but race is not one.
Your death pulled the core of the town together for a common good, therefore, it was not in vein.
It affected so many of us in so many different ways. Some left town for a fresh start. Some made friends out of the tragedy. Some turned on their fellow townsmen, on the people that they grew up with, and got angry at the hurt that people were feeling. That last one is something that I surely will never understand, but the other stuff I totally get.
I have said, since a few months out, that the anniversary would be hard, though it seemed to be a lot better than I imagined, but that after that, the town would begin healing.
Autumn will not be forgotten. Her legacy is branded on us. In the wake of your death, a town came together in an unimaginable way, and that seems to have stuck. We will all move forward with our lives, which is to be expected, but we will all carry that day and that little girl with us forever.
I spent that day, and the ones after it, in a complete fog. We all did.
That friday before, there was a train vs car accident right behind our school, at morning arrival time, involving the mother and baby brother of two of our students. We spent all day friday whispering to each other and giving glances because while we knew who was involved, the students' didn't.
Then came Saturday. The day they took you from your family. We were all at the homecoming game, cheering on our team and hanging out, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I still have such a hard time thinking back to that day because it kills me to know that we were all at that game and just a few blocks away, you were taking your last breaths, over a bicycle.
We spent the next few days searching everywhere. I was so convinced that you had run away or were hiding. I just could not wrap my head around anything worse than a teenage stunt. Those things didn't happen in the town that we grew up in. The town where your awesome Grandmom taught for years, and where your father, your aunts and uncles, and you and your siblings all went to school.
People tried to blame it on race, and Clayton was not that town. Racism is so foreign to me because of where I grew up, and I am thankful every day for that. There are a lot of factors to blame this on, but race is not one.
Your death pulled the core of the town together for a common good, therefore, it was not in vein.
It affected so many of us in so many different ways. Some left town for a fresh start. Some made friends out of the tragedy. Some turned on their fellow townsmen, on the people that they grew up with, and got angry at the hurt that people were feeling. That last one is something that I surely will never understand, but the other stuff I totally get.
I have said, since a few months out, that the anniversary would be hard, though it seemed to be a lot better than I imagined, but that after that, the town would begin healing.
Autumn will not be forgotten. Her legacy is branded on us. In the wake of your death, a town came together in an unimaginable way, and that seems to have stuck. We will all move forward with our lives, which is to be expected, but we will all carry that day and that little girl with us forever.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
I really miss my family, and I really miss my friends. I am having a tough time lately because I don't have anyone around. When I was in the planning stages of moving, I assumed that the laundry list of people that I knew that were down here would translate into having friends, but for whatever reason that has not really proven to be the case.
I got to actually talk to my BFFF on the phone tonight, and that was nice. It was nice to tell someone the stories from the bar and to hear about what is going on in her life. I am friendly with the people at WHS, but wouldn't consider any of them actual friends yet. I mean, I did get invited out after work the other night, but it was more of a "hey you can come too if you want since you are standing there while we are talking about it" kind of a thing, and they all left before I was done work anyway. It was nice to be asked to do something though.
I was excited because I thought I was going to be able to make it to the work picnic but I misread my schedule and that is not going to be able to happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with my costars outside of work. oh well.
I guess the downside to living in "the LA of the East" is that everyone is about their own agenda so it is difficult to find friends. It definitely does not help that I am 33 and single. Im not married, so I dont fit in with most people my age, and I'm old, so I don't fit in with most single people. It is a rather shitty place to find myself.
This entire move has been an exercise in independence, and I guess that this could be part of that, but I had friends at home. I had people to go get froyo with. I had people to meet for coffee and to discuss the day's events. I had regular friendly's dates and regular nights with the girls. I miss that. a lot.
Lucky for me, I have worked like every day for the last two weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it, but I am off tomorrow, though I will say I have plans for lunch that I am hoping don't get cancelled again, and I have a few days off next week so I know that these things are really going to on the forefront of my mind again. Obviously they are right now.
I am definitely not making any friends at BRU. There is only one person there remotely close to my age and she has made it perfectly clear that she hates my guts. I am astounded by the level of rudeness that she exudes. Working there is much like working at Kennedy was for me for a really long time. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I have a personality trait that makes people treat me like shit for no discernible reason. Or maybe I am just insane and all of this is in my head. I do know that it took almost an entire year before I felt like anyone at Kennedy liked me. I don't think ill last that long at BRU. The punishment is not worth 7.25 an hour, and I am looking for a replacement so that I can quit for real.
If it takes me a year to make friends here, then I will only be a Nashville resident for a year. Even if I go back to NJ and have no friends, at least I will have my family around, which is what matters most anyway.
I got to actually talk to my BFFF on the phone tonight, and that was nice. It was nice to tell someone the stories from the bar and to hear about what is going on in her life. I am friendly with the people at WHS, but wouldn't consider any of them actual friends yet. I mean, I did get invited out after work the other night, but it was more of a "hey you can come too if you want since you are standing there while we are talking about it" kind of a thing, and they all left before I was done work anyway. It was nice to be asked to do something though.
I was excited because I thought I was going to be able to make it to the work picnic but I misread my schedule and that is not going to be able to happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with my costars outside of work. oh well.
I guess the downside to living in "the LA of the East" is that everyone is about their own agenda so it is difficult to find friends. It definitely does not help that I am 33 and single. Im not married, so I dont fit in with most people my age, and I'm old, so I don't fit in with most single people. It is a rather shitty place to find myself.
This entire move has been an exercise in independence, and I guess that this could be part of that, but I had friends at home. I had people to go get froyo with. I had people to meet for coffee and to discuss the day's events. I had regular friendly's dates and regular nights with the girls. I miss that. a lot.
Lucky for me, I have worked like every day for the last two weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it, but I am off tomorrow, though I will say I have plans for lunch that I am hoping don't get cancelled again, and I have a few days off next week so I know that these things are really going to on the forefront of my mind again. Obviously they are right now.
I am definitely not making any friends at BRU. There is only one person there remotely close to my age and she has made it perfectly clear that she hates my guts. I am astounded by the level of rudeness that she exudes. Working there is much like working at Kennedy was for me for a really long time. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I have a personality trait that makes people treat me like shit for no discernible reason. Or maybe I am just insane and all of this is in my head. I do know that it took almost an entire year before I felt like anyone at Kennedy liked me. I don't think ill last that long at BRU. The punishment is not worth 7.25 an hour, and I am looking for a replacement so that I can quit for real.
If it takes me a year to make friends here, then I will only be a Nashville resident for a year. Even if I go back to NJ and have no friends, at least I will have my family around, which is what matters most anyway.
Friday, October 4, 2013
wow. its been a while!
I didn't realize how long its been since i've actually written anything here. I apologize for that. As you will soon see, my life has been crazy lately, and it is leaving little time for anything that isn't work.
So, I did quit BRU, or so I thought. After several e-mails back and forth with the manager, I decided to stay on there, however my availability is only until 10am any day of the week so as to not interfere with the WHS. I ended up taking nearly two weeks off from there, but am slowly getting into a groove and settling in. I am still mostly unhappy there, but I am starting to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so that is helping slightly. I think there are few worse things in a job setting than not knowing what you are doing, unless you are George Castanza. He made the best of it. I am not that easy-going.
One thing about BRU that does have my feathers ruffled, however, is the letter I received in the mail yesterday. It was a letter informing me of the changes to healthcare and instructions on what I am to do regarding the Marketplace and all of that jazz. I would wager that since I got one from both jobs that were pretty much the same thing, you all have received something similar yourselves. The letter itself didn't bother me, until I got to the part that said, "Since the (insert plan here) does not satisfy the minimum benefit requirements....it will be discontinued December 31st." Since the only reason I decided to stay at that hellhole was for the bene's anyway, this kind of sent me into a tizzy. But now I feel kind of locked in there because there have been so many staff changes lately, and they are actually relying on me to do the job of one of the leaders while he is off helping set up a new store down the road, so now that I am part of the team and not just some outsider who was told to "get out" it is going to be a bit harder to leave (plus the extra $200 a month I will get from there is kind of necessary.)
However, once again, WHS is saving the day. I talked to my awesome leader today who told me that in about another month I should be getting paperwork in the mail in order to sign up for benefits through them. It goes by hours worked there and I am definitely meeting the requirement on that front, so I am patiently awaiting that to arrive.
Speaking of hours at WHS, I am working pretty much every day ever there. I love it there, so this is not a bad thing at all. The only downfall is, of course, that it is a bar, so I often get out pretty late and then am due to arrive at BRU at 6 the next morning, so sleep is coming kind of whenever it can. I am finding myself more and more taking naps between jobs, though I am trying to use that time to be productive, since I am already up and out of the house.
I have been hosting a little at WHS, as well as working in the retail store, and I am having a good time doing both. I have only hosted twice, and it is a LOT of running around (I guess that is why I'm called a "runner") but I like being busy because it passes the time, and I like that I get paid to listen to live music and talk to people. I spend the majority of the time that I am not at work home alone, so getting to talk to people is really cool. I have met people from all over the world, and last weekend I met a kid who graduated from the Comm department of MU a few years after me! Today I met a guy from Lindenwold, NJ, and the first day I was working I met two ladies from Franklinville. It has really been so much fun.
I had requested like five days off this weekend, as there was a road trip planned, but that fell through last minute, so I sent my leader a message saying I could pick up shifts if necessary. this afternoon while I was busily dancing around to my headphones and scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, she called to ask me to come in at four. I had no problem with this (yay, OT!!) but since I hadn't planned on going anywhere today and was cleaning the kitchen, I hadn't showered, so my first order of business when I got to work was to buy myself a WHS hat, so now I have my first piece of WHS swag, and I'm sure there will be more to go with it as time rolls on.
I am trying to think if there are things that I can share that are not work related. My parents bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas, so I am super excited about that. I will be home for one week. The majority of that time will be spent with family, obviously, but I will definitely have some free time set aside for friends. I haven't worked out the transportation end of my being home (if i keep banking overtime like this, I'll likely rent a car for the week if I can find a decent price) but i am sure ill find a way to be where i need to be.
Today one of the girls at work asked me if I would like to hang out outside of work and i was scared that i would scare her away with how eagerly i accepted her invitation. One of my biggest concerns living here is the fact that i don't really have any friends yet. I don't have anyone to call up and say "hey, lets go grab coffee" or whatever, and the few times i have made plans with people, they have fallen through. I know that making friends takes time, but it is really frustrating to not have anyone around to talk to, either. My poor BFFF is probably ready to kill me as soon as she sees me because I am constantly bugging her with stuff. I know that is what friends are for and all, but its hard for her, too, because she is so far away and there is nothing that can be done from 806 miles away. So anyway, yay for new friend! and I am hoping that I am able to make a few more in the next few months so that I can balance all of my working with some fun friend hangout time, too.
I had to buy a belt yesterday because even my too-tight jeans are starting to sag a little bit. I kind of want to buy a scale (and was just pricing them online) to see if I am actually losing weight, but I also am afraid that I will buy it, step on it and see that I haven't lost any (or even worse, gained) and will be even more depressed than I already am, and that is just something that no one needs. I am sure we have all been there and its a place that no one wants to be. I just remembered that we can get 50% off WW online through work, so maybe ill look into that. I guess I'll need a scale for that though, huh. Maybe Ill see if there is any room in my monthly budget for going to meetings again.
Oh, so I am working on a budget. I ordered a ledger online and am keeping track of what I am spending and seeing what goes where all month, and then Ill know kind of what I need to make and where I am overspending, so that is pretty cool. So far the neatest thing about it is that I am actually thinking about the purchases I am making, and weighing if the cost is worth the expense. I am more aware of my money and how much is coming in vs. how much is going out, so that is kind of huge. I have always been careless with my money, and I was really hoping that moving out would break me of that. It looks like maybe it is working. This month is going to be a struggle because I am still not entirely sure what is going where, but going forward, I will have a model of what my financial month looks like. I am just amazed at how much writing everything down makes me aware of what is going on. Its like I am an adult or something!
Well anyway, I am sure I have rambled on enough for tonight. I need to try to sleep anyway, since I am getting up early to go to the farmers market with roomie!
So, I did quit BRU, or so I thought. After several e-mails back and forth with the manager, I decided to stay on there, however my availability is only until 10am any day of the week so as to not interfere with the WHS. I ended up taking nearly two weeks off from there, but am slowly getting into a groove and settling in. I am still mostly unhappy there, but I am starting to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so that is helping slightly. I think there are few worse things in a job setting than not knowing what you are doing, unless you are George Castanza. He made the best of it. I am not that easy-going.
One thing about BRU that does have my feathers ruffled, however, is the letter I received in the mail yesterday. It was a letter informing me of the changes to healthcare and instructions on what I am to do regarding the Marketplace and all of that jazz. I would wager that since I got one from both jobs that were pretty much the same thing, you all have received something similar yourselves. The letter itself didn't bother me, until I got to the part that said, "Since the (insert plan here) does not satisfy the minimum benefit requirements....it will be discontinued December 31st." Since the only reason I decided to stay at that hellhole was for the bene's anyway, this kind of sent me into a tizzy. But now I feel kind of locked in there because there have been so many staff changes lately, and they are actually relying on me to do the job of one of the leaders while he is off helping set up a new store down the road, so now that I am part of the team and not just some outsider who was told to "get out" it is going to be a bit harder to leave (plus the extra $200 a month I will get from there is kind of necessary.)
However, once again, WHS is saving the day. I talked to my awesome leader today who told me that in about another month I should be getting paperwork in the mail in order to sign up for benefits through them. It goes by hours worked there and I am definitely meeting the requirement on that front, so I am patiently awaiting that to arrive.
Speaking of hours at WHS, I am working pretty much every day ever there. I love it there, so this is not a bad thing at all. The only downfall is, of course, that it is a bar, so I often get out pretty late and then am due to arrive at BRU at 6 the next morning, so sleep is coming kind of whenever it can. I am finding myself more and more taking naps between jobs, though I am trying to use that time to be productive, since I am already up and out of the house.
I have been hosting a little at WHS, as well as working in the retail store, and I am having a good time doing both. I have only hosted twice, and it is a LOT of running around (I guess that is why I'm called a "runner") but I like being busy because it passes the time, and I like that I get paid to listen to live music and talk to people. I spend the majority of the time that I am not at work home alone, so getting to talk to people is really cool. I have met people from all over the world, and last weekend I met a kid who graduated from the Comm department of MU a few years after me! Today I met a guy from Lindenwold, NJ, and the first day I was working I met two ladies from Franklinville. It has really been so much fun.
I had requested like five days off this weekend, as there was a road trip planned, but that fell through last minute, so I sent my leader a message saying I could pick up shifts if necessary. this afternoon while I was busily dancing around to my headphones and scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, she called to ask me to come in at four. I had no problem with this (yay, OT!!) but since I hadn't planned on going anywhere today and was cleaning the kitchen, I hadn't showered, so my first order of business when I got to work was to buy myself a WHS hat, so now I have my first piece of WHS swag, and I'm sure there will be more to go with it as time rolls on.
I am trying to think if there are things that I can share that are not work related. My parents bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas, so I am super excited about that. I will be home for one week. The majority of that time will be spent with family, obviously, but I will definitely have some free time set aside for friends. I haven't worked out the transportation end of my being home (if i keep banking overtime like this, I'll likely rent a car for the week if I can find a decent price) but i am sure ill find a way to be where i need to be.
Today one of the girls at work asked me if I would like to hang out outside of work and i was scared that i would scare her away with how eagerly i accepted her invitation. One of my biggest concerns living here is the fact that i don't really have any friends yet. I don't have anyone to call up and say "hey, lets go grab coffee" or whatever, and the few times i have made plans with people, they have fallen through. I know that making friends takes time, but it is really frustrating to not have anyone around to talk to, either. My poor BFFF is probably ready to kill me as soon as she sees me because I am constantly bugging her with stuff. I know that is what friends are for and all, but its hard for her, too, because she is so far away and there is nothing that can be done from 806 miles away. So anyway, yay for new friend! and I am hoping that I am able to make a few more in the next few months so that I can balance all of my working with some fun friend hangout time, too.
I had to buy a belt yesterday because even my too-tight jeans are starting to sag a little bit. I kind of want to buy a scale (and was just pricing them online) to see if I am actually losing weight, but I also am afraid that I will buy it, step on it and see that I haven't lost any (or even worse, gained) and will be even more depressed than I already am, and that is just something that no one needs. I am sure we have all been there and its a place that no one wants to be. I just remembered that we can get 50% off WW online through work, so maybe ill look into that. I guess I'll need a scale for that though, huh. Maybe Ill see if there is any room in my monthly budget for going to meetings again.
Oh, so I am working on a budget. I ordered a ledger online and am keeping track of what I am spending and seeing what goes where all month, and then Ill know kind of what I need to make and where I am overspending, so that is pretty cool. So far the neatest thing about it is that I am actually thinking about the purchases I am making, and weighing if the cost is worth the expense. I am more aware of my money and how much is coming in vs. how much is going out, so that is kind of huge. I have always been careless with my money, and I was really hoping that moving out would break me of that. It looks like maybe it is working. This month is going to be a struggle because I am still not entirely sure what is going where, but going forward, I will have a model of what my financial month looks like. I am just amazed at how much writing everything down makes me aware of what is going on. Its like I am an adult or something!
Well anyway, I am sure I have rambled on enough for tonight. I need to try to sleep anyway, since I am getting up early to go to the farmers market with roomie!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
a little bit of distance...
i have been thinking about this a little bit over the past few days and i am kind of more surprised than i thought i would be. i don't know how to tackle this without stepping on toes or hurting feelings, but the fact of the matter is (and i have said this several times over) the whole point of this blog is to give a voice to the feelings associated with relocating 800 miles from everything you know, and this is a pretty big part of that process.
when i lived up in jersey i very often found myself struggling with the idea of friendship. i mean, i had all of these people that claimed to be my friends and all, but more often than not i would struggle to find someone to hang out with on any given night. i didn't really complain about it much because i felt like it was my fault for wanting to do things last minute so often, and i'm sure that it partially was, but i have been down here two months now and have a very good idea of who my friends back home really were. Not surprisingly, the three people i have really kept in contact with are the three that i would have considered my closest friends when i was up there.
i realize, too, that phones/twitter/facebook/text messages go both ways. but at the same time, i guess to me it feels pretty cheesy to make contact with someone that hasn't reached out to me, because the message would be something like "hey, Nashville is great! i am loving my new life here. my job is great, i am working on friendships with some pretty awesome people, and i am genuinely happy and feeling fulfilled." obviously, that is all great news, and a total 180 from how i was feeling up north, but i think that if i was on the receiving end of that message from someone else, i would be a little put off. maybe i am over-thinking it. i don't know. and maybe i am totally off base here, but this is where i am right now.
simple things are so different. if i was spending a lazy, stretch-pants sunday up north (on a non-eagles game day) i likely wouldn't have left my bedroom. here, though, i spent the day with my beat-up roommates (one has a concussion and the other hurt her shoulder) playing wii and being silly. i mean, i did also fall asleep on the love seat while watching tv and end up taking a five hour nap, but the whole vibe of the day was different.
i guess what it all boils down to is that maybe, with enough distance, it becomes way easier to see who belongs in one's life and who was just dead weight.
when i lived up in jersey i very often found myself struggling with the idea of friendship. i mean, i had all of these people that claimed to be my friends and all, but more often than not i would struggle to find someone to hang out with on any given night. i didn't really complain about it much because i felt like it was my fault for wanting to do things last minute so often, and i'm sure that it partially was, but i have been down here two months now and have a very good idea of who my friends back home really were. Not surprisingly, the three people i have really kept in contact with are the three that i would have considered my closest friends when i was up there.
i realize, too, that phones/twitter/facebook/text messages go both ways. but at the same time, i guess to me it feels pretty cheesy to make contact with someone that hasn't reached out to me, because the message would be something like "hey, Nashville is great! i am loving my new life here. my job is great, i am working on friendships with some pretty awesome people, and i am genuinely happy and feeling fulfilled." obviously, that is all great news, and a total 180 from how i was feeling up north, but i think that if i was on the receiving end of that message from someone else, i would be a little put off. maybe i am over-thinking it. i don't know. and maybe i am totally off base here, but this is where i am right now.
simple things are so different. if i was spending a lazy, stretch-pants sunday up north (on a non-eagles game day) i likely wouldn't have left my bedroom. here, though, i spent the day with my beat-up roommates (one has a concussion and the other hurt her shoulder) playing wii and being silly. i mean, i did also fall asleep on the love seat while watching tv and end up taking a five hour nap, but the whole vibe of the day was different.
i guess what it all boils down to is that maybe, with enough distance, it becomes way easier to see who belongs in one's life and who was just dead weight.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
like being thrown to the wolves
yesterday i babysat a 21 month old for about 10 hours, and then went right to job 2 and worked another 8. My body hurt when i came home, for sure.
it was my first day on my own in the retail shop, and i was a bit nervous, although more prepared than i thought i was. One thing i am learning about myself is that i am way more capable of doing things than i give myself credit for. I have taken on a habit of setting the bar very low for myself so that i don't fail, but i have been proving to myself that i am more than capable of doing all sorts of things time and time again.
I was swarmed all night last night, and had an order to count and put up (which meant rearranging some things in the store.) Plus there are the regular "keep the store immaculate" things that I needed to deal with. I was sure that I was never going to get any of it done, and every time I would start to make some progress, I would get swarmed again. at the end of the night, though, T (my boss) told me that I did a great job, and that she was proud of me. when we checked the numbers, i understood why i felt like i was going to die; i was busy!
I go back in today. I don't suspect Ill have any orders to deal with, so that will help, but I do suspect that I will be just as busy.
it was my first day on my own in the retail shop, and i was a bit nervous, although more prepared than i thought i was. One thing i am learning about myself is that i am way more capable of doing things than i give myself credit for. I have taken on a habit of setting the bar very low for myself so that i don't fail, but i have been proving to myself that i am more than capable of doing all sorts of things time and time again.
I was swarmed all night last night, and had an order to count and put up (which meant rearranging some things in the store.) Plus there are the regular "keep the store immaculate" things that I needed to deal with. I was sure that I was never going to get any of it done, and every time I would start to make some progress, I would get swarmed again. at the end of the night, though, T (my boss) told me that I did a great job, and that she was proud of me. when we checked the numbers, i understood why i felt like i was going to die; i was busy!
I go back in today. I don't suspect Ill have any orders to deal with, so that will help, but I do suspect that I will be just as busy.
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