killing time in the airport...

It’s been a while since I have found time to sit down and write in here, but since I am sitting idly at the airport, waiting to board my delayed flight, I figured now would be as good a time as any to catch up on the last four months of my life. 

Thanksgiving was the first holiday ever (if I recall correctly) that I have spent away from my family. I had originally RSVP’ed to a gathering at a friend’s house south of the city, but decided a few days before hand that I really just wanted to stay home, cook for myself, and then maybe go see a movie or something; keep things real low-key, you know? But as it turned out, my friends didn’t have that same plan for me, and Brian showed up at my door and dragged me out of the house. 

Dinner was awesome, and the fellowship was as well. A wise man once told me that community is good for the soul. I believe him. There was gun shooting, both in real life and in video game form, lots of talking and eating, and a general sense of family. It was a nice time. 

I have been working a lot between WHS and BRU. Things at BRU have kind of leveled off, which is probably for the best. I am still there, and my boss told me a few days ago that I need to stop worrying so much about being unreliable or thinking that I am going to be fired every time I mess up and sleep through my alarm or need to call out (which happens more than I’d care to admit.) He said that I am a hard worker and that he understands that WHS is my priority and that he comes second. Either I am more awesome than I ever imagined, or he is REALLY hard up for employees. It is probably a healthy mix of both. 

WHS is still awesome as ever. I am actually kind of sad to be away from there for the next week, though obviously of course I am super excited to go back to Jersey and see my family. I am finally starting to make friends with some of the people at WHS though, and that is making an already awesome place to work that much better. 

I think this is true of most restaurant/bar atmospheres, and of some other types of workplaces, I am sure, but WHS feels like a family. A big, dysfunctional family. We work the same sorts of crazy hours, we deal with the same nutty customers, and we identify with our co-workers when there is an issue. I mean, I have worked in close-knit groups before, but there is something different about a restaurant family. I dunno. I just know that I am happy there. 

Hmm...What else is there to update yall on? My roommate K and I took advantage of my G/O employee benefits and went to the hotel to see ICE! and all of the lights at the hotel. I have heard all kinds of good things about it, but I was in awe when I finally got to see it for myself. I mean, I knew it was going to be pretty extensive, as they were hanging lights before I started with the company in the beginning of September, but I wasnt expecting SO many lights. We road the riverboat in the Delta and walked around the Cascades. We popped our heads into the other sections, too, but it was getting late and we were both hungry, so we didn’t tour them.

ICE! was also really cool, literally. 8* cool. If you don’t know what ICE! is, G/O flies artists in from China to carve into blocks of ice scenes from Frosty the Snowman. There is a slide made of ice, and several scenes from the movie, as well as Times Square and a really beautiful nativity scene. I feel like I should say more about it, but I can’t think of anything else. There are pictures on my fb if you want to see them for yourself. 

So I guess overall things are going well. I am not quite exactly where I want to be, but as I am sitting here in the airport I am having mixed emotions about leaving Nashville. Yes, it is only for a week, but this place is my home now, for sure, and I am sure that I will be ready to return when the time comes. 

welp...

Today was a pretty good day. I got to go out to church, which i hardly ever get to do these days. Pastor Jamie's sermon was on point, as always, and once again I walked away feeling like I had learned something new, which was great.

After church a few of us went to Moe's for lunch, and it was good to connect with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I feel very secluded because of the hours that I work, so it is always good to get to hang out with people.

I came home after all that with the intention of taking a nap, but got a text message from a friend from home saying "I was just walking in downtown nashville." OBVIOUSLY I needed to forgo the nap to go and see Ivy and Phillip, so I drove out to Opry Mills and saw a movie with them. Because I was late getting out there and because I had plans after, we didn't get to talk as long as I would have liked but it was really great to get to hang out with them.

Iron & Wine were playing out at the Ryman tonight, and I couldn't think of a better place to see Sam Beam and company, so I headed out there. The show was great, although too short (i think no time will be enough when it comes to seeing I&W) and I laughed a LOT. Mr. Beam was really chatty tonight and super silly, so that made for an extra fun show.

But now I have a problem.

So this boy ended up sitting next to me, and we hit it off right away. We were chatting about all sorts of things, even a little bit through the band's set. We were still talking on the way out, and he asked me what i was doing after. I said nothing, and as soon as that happened, his buddy and buddy's g/f came over and they were talking, which was fine. But then we were walking out the door and he ducked off into the bathroom and I didn't know what to do so I just kept going out the door. I got outside and waited around for a second but then I didn't know if i should or what I should be doing, so I just left.

This is why I will be single forever. I am TERRIBLE when it comes to boys.

Guys, this dude was a beardy musician who is from Atlanta but lived in freaking Williamsburg for a while before moving to Nashville. I didn't find out where he works, but he does know where I work, and I know that he hangs out in east nashville quite often.

I suck.

I am hoping that because nashville is such a small town I will run into him again.

I should have grabbed his iphone and put my number in it or something. I am an idiot.

hashtag this is why im single.

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

One of the big reasons for my wanting to move was so that I could teach myself financial responsibility. I have always been a flake when it comes to money. I am fully aware of this, and knew that having my dad handling that stuff for me was no way for me to ever learn it. (I fully contend that they should make money management classes a requirement for HS graduation, and that they need to do a better job of warning college students about what they are getting into when they take out enormous loans to pay for school. I do believe that I would be in a much better place financially if those two things had happened. Alas, they did not, so here I am.)

Keeping track of what I am spending by writing it down every night has been super helpful in regards to spending money. For instance, I was out this morning at target, and was debating stopping at Starbucks for my "take to work" coffee. I typically stop at the gas station and pick up a cup of their sludge or if I am feeling super frugal, I brew some at home before I leave (though even though I worked at wawa for nine years, I suck at making coffee.) I walked past the starbucks counter in the target because there was a line of four people and I didn't feel like waiting, and decided when I was nearing the actual Starbucks store that I did not want to stop because not only is a soy latte upwards of four dollars, but I would have to later enter that into the book, which was something I just wasn't vibing on.

I have been doing this exercise since the beginning of the month, and figured by the end of the month I would be able to create a budget, and from there I would be able to allot specific values to rent, bills, entertainment, gas, and pre-work coffee runs. I thought I could also determine which was the best week to pay specific bills, based on both when they are due, and when there is money for them.

For the most part I have all of the logistics figured out, but I am still struggling with two things. The first is that while it all makes sense on paper, and even in theory, in practice I cannot master the art of budgeting my money. I don't know why my brain has such a block on this, and like I said, things are getting better, but I feel like I always miss something huge that sets me back once I think I have things squared away. The second thing, which I believe is probably the more important one, is that I do not make enough money to cover my expenses. I have lived pretty bare-bones this month (hence the weight loss. no money=no food.) and am still in the negative as the month closes out. I am working two jobs and working a decent amount at both of them, and still feel like I have nothing to show for it. Ideally, I would like to be making enough money so that I am living comfortably by my standards (which honestly aren't very high, really, though I miss eating) AND be able to put some cash back into my totally depleted savings account each week.

This is only going to get worse soon, as (thankfully, and boy am I not complaining) I will qualify for medical benefits within the next month or so at WHS, so that will be additional cash coming out of my checks each week. Some of that will be compensated by the addition of the cash that I will not be paying out for the benefits that I am losing at BRU thanks to the Affordable Care Act, but having paid into benefits before, my best guess is that those two numbers will not balance out.

Part of the problem is that I am working for peanuts at BRU. No one can live on minimum wage. I consider quitting every single day, but quitting without something better will only compound the issue. That brings me to the next point, which is that it is really, really hard to find something to work around a retail schedule that changes week to week. The only good thing about working at BRU is that because they need me way more than I need them (yes, that is still true despite what this entry is saying) I can set my own schedule and they work with me on it, and are really flexible with my needing to change things, even last minute. Hell, even when I sleep through a shift. Ideally, I want to be back in a school setting in some capacity. Or even childcare that would still allow for me to work nights and weekends at WHS. But I have been applying and applying and applying, and have not gotten any response back from any of the schools or the Metro Nashville School District.

I wasn't too worried about financials when I decided to make this move because I fully believed that God wanted me to be here, and that He would provide so that I would be able to make ends meet, but right now that is not the case, and I don't want to fall behind any farther on any of my bills.

And because I enter all of my receipts into the binder at the end of the day, this is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep every night.

I hate money.

That was the day that our town changed-that we were changed.

in just a few hours, one year ago, i was awaken by a text message that simply said "they found her." I was SO sure that she was just hiding out somewhere, mostly because i couldnt believe that anyone in our town was capable of anything worse. It took me a minute for the realization of what was being said to hit me. I sat up for the rest of the night, numb, and wondering how we were going to make it through school that day. There was a lot of crying and hugging in the hallways, but we had 800 kids who were counting on us to be strong for them, and that was what our jobs were, as staff at Simmons.

I spent that day, and the ones after it, in a complete fog. We all did.

That friday before, there was a train vs car accident right behind our school, at morning arrival time, involving the mother and baby brother of two of our students. We spent all day friday whispering to each other and giving glances because while we knew who was involved, the students' didn't.

Then came Saturday. The day they took you from your family. We were all at the homecoming game, cheering on our team and hanging out, laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I still have such a hard time thinking back to that day because it kills me to know that we were all at that game and just a few blocks away, you were taking your last breaths, over a bicycle.

We spent the next few days searching everywhere. I was so convinced that you had run away or were hiding. I just could not wrap my head around anything worse than a teenage stunt. Those things didn't happen in the town that we grew up in. The town where your awesome Grandmom taught for years, and where your father, your aunts and uncles, and you and your siblings all went to school.

People tried to blame it on race, and Clayton was not that town. Racism is so foreign to me because of where I grew up, and I am thankful every day for that. There are a lot of factors to blame this on, but race is not one.

Your death pulled the core of the town together for a common good, therefore, it was not in vein.

It affected so many of us in so many different ways. Some left town for a fresh start. Some made friends out of the tragedy. Some turned on their fellow townsmen, on the people that they grew up with, and got angry at the hurt that people were feeling. That last one is something that I surely will never understand, but the other stuff I totally get.

I have said, since a few months out, that the anniversary would be hard, though it seemed to be a lot better than I imagined, but that after that, the town would begin healing.


Autumn will not be forgotten. Her legacy is branded on us. In the wake of your death, a town came together in an unimaginable way, and that seems to have stuck. We will all move forward with our lives, which is to be expected, but we will all carry that day and that little girl with us forever.

I really miss my family, and I really miss my friends. I am having a tough time lately because I don't have anyone around. When I was in the planning stages of moving, I assumed that the laundry list of people that I knew that were down here would translate into having friends, but for whatever reason that has not really proven to be the case.

I got to actually talk to my BFFF on the phone tonight, and that was nice. It was nice to tell someone the stories from the bar and to hear about what is going on in her life. I am friendly with the people at WHS, but wouldn't consider any of them actual friends yet. I mean, I did get invited out after work the other night, but it was more of a "hey you can come too if you want since you are standing there while we are talking about it" kind of a thing, and they all left before I was done work anyway. It was nice to be asked to do something though.

I was excited because I thought I was going to be able to make it to the work picnic but I misread my schedule and that is not going to be able to happen. I was looking forward to hanging out with my costars outside of work. oh well.

I guess the downside to living in "the LA of the East" is that everyone is about their own agenda so it is difficult to find friends. It definitely does not help that I am 33 and single. Im not married, so I dont fit in with most people my age, and I'm old, so I don't fit in with most single people. It is a rather shitty place to find myself.

This entire move has been an exercise in independence, and I guess that this could be part of that, but I had friends at home. I had people to go get froyo with. I had people to meet for coffee and to discuss the day's events. I had regular friendly's dates and regular nights with the girls. I miss that. a lot.

Lucky for me, I have worked like every day for the last two weeks, so I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it, but I am off tomorrow, though I will say I have plans for lunch that I am hoping don't get cancelled again, and I have a few days off next week so I know that these things are really going to on the forefront of my mind again. Obviously they are right now.

I am definitely not making any friends at BRU. There is only one person there remotely close to my age and she has made it perfectly clear that she hates my guts. I am astounded by the level of rudeness that she exudes. Working there is much like working at Kennedy was for me for a really long time. I dunno. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I have a personality trait that makes people treat me like shit for no discernible reason. Or maybe I am just insane and all of this is in my head. I do know that it took almost an entire year before I felt like anyone at Kennedy liked me. I don't think ill last that long at BRU. The punishment is not worth 7.25 an hour, and I am looking for a replacement so that I can quit for real.

If it takes me a year to make friends here, then I will only be a Nashville resident for a year. Even if I go back to NJ and have no friends, at least I will have my family around, which is what matters most anyway.

wow. its been a while!

I didn't realize how long its been since i've actually written anything here. I apologize for that. As you will soon see, my life has been crazy lately, and it is leaving little time for anything that isn't work.

So, I did quit BRU, or so I thought. After several e-mails back and forth with the manager, I decided to stay on there, however my availability is only until 10am any day of the week so as to not interfere with the WHS. I ended up taking nearly two weeks off from there, but am slowly getting into a groove and settling in. I am still mostly unhappy there, but I am starting to figure out what I am supposed to be doing, so that is helping slightly. I think there are few worse things in a job setting than not knowing what you are doing, unless you are George Castanza. He made the best of it. I am not that easy-going.

One thing about BRU that does have my feathers ruffled, however, is the letter I received in the mail yesterday. It was a letter informing me of the changes to healthcare and instructions on what I am to do regarding the Marketplace and all of that jazz. I would wager that since I got one from both jobs that were pretty much the same thing, you all have received something similar yourselves. The letter itself didn't bother me, until I got to the part that said, "Since the (insert plan here) does not satisfy the minimum benefit requirements....it will be discontinued December 31st." Since the only reason I decided to stay at that hellhole was for the bene's anyway, this kind of sent me into a tizzy. But now I feel kind of locked in there because there have been so many staff changes lately, and they are actually relying on me to do the job of one of the leaders while he is off helping set up a new store down the road, so now that I am part of the team and not just some outsider who was told to "get out" it is going to be a bit harder to leave (plus the extra $200 a month I will get from there is kind of necessary.)

 However, once again, WHS is saving the day. I talked to my awesome leader today who told me that in about another month I should be getting paperwork in the mail in order to sign up for benefits through them. It goes by hours worked there and I am definitely meeting the requirement on that front, so I am patiently awaiting that to arrive.

Speaking of hours at WHS, I am working pretty much every day ever there. I love it there, so this is not a bad thing at all. The only downfall is, of course, that it is a bar, so I often get out pretty late and then am due to arrive at BRU at 6 the next morning, so sleep is coming kind of whenever it can. I am finding myself more and more taking naps between jobs, though I am trying to use that time to be productive, since I am already up and out of the house.

I have been hosting a little at WHS, as well as working in the retail store, and I am having a good time doing both. I have only hosted twice, and it is a LOT of running around (I guess that is why I'm called a "runner") but I like being busy because it passes the time, and I like that I get paid to listen to live music and talk to people. I spend the majority of the time that I am not at work home alone, so getting to talk to people is really cool. I have met people from all over the world, and last weekend I met a kid who graduated from the Comm department of MU a few years after me! Today I met a guy from Lindenwold, NJ, and the first day I was working I met two ladies from Franklinville. It has really been so much fun.

I had requested like five days off this weekend, as there was a road trip planned, but that fell through last minute, so I sent my leader a message saying I could pick up shifts if necessary. this afternoon while I was busily dancing around to my headphones and scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, she called to ask me to come in at four. I had no problem with this (yay, OT!!) but since I hadn't planned on going anywhere today and was cleaning the kitchen, I hadn't showered, so my first order of business when I got to work was to buy myself a WHS hat, so now I have my first piece of WHS swag, and I'm sure there will be more to go with it as time rolls on.

I am trying to think if there are things that I can share that are not work related. My parents bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas, so I am super excited about that. I will be home for one week. The majority of that time will be spent with family, obviously, but I will definitely have some free time set aside for friends. I haven't worked out the transportation end of my being home (if i keep banking overtime like this, I'll likely rent a car for the week if I can find a decent price) but i am sure ill find a way to be where i need to be.

Today one of the girls at work asked me if I would like to hang out outside of work and i was scared that i would scare her away with how eagerly i accepted her invitation. One of my biggest concerns living here is the fact that i don't really have any friends yet. I don't have anyone to call up and say "hey, lets go grab coffee" or whatever, and the few times i have made plans with people, they have fallen through. I know that making friends takes time, but it is really frustrating to not have anyone around to talk to, either. My poor BFFF is probably ready to kill me as soon as she sees me because I am constantly bugging her with stuff. I know that is what friends are for and all, but its hard for her, too, because she is so far away and there is nothing that can be done from 806 miles away. So anyway, yay for new friend! and I am hoping that I am able to make a few more in the next few months so that I can balance all of my working with some fun friend hangout time, too.

I had to buy a belt yesterday because even my too-tight jeans are starting to sag a little bit. I kind of want to buy a scale (and was just pricing them online) to see if I am actually losing weight, but I also am afraid that I will buy it, step on it and see that I haven't lost any (or even worse, gained) and will be even more depressed than I already am, and that is just something that no one needs. I am sure we have all been there and its a place that no one wants to be. I just remembered that we can get 50% off WW online through work, so maybe ill look into that. I guess I'll need a scale for that though, huh. Maybe Ill see if there is any room in my monthly budget for going to meetings again.

Oh, so I am working on a budget. I ordered a ledger online and am keeping track of what I am spending and seeing what goes where all month, and then Ill know kind of what I need to make and where I am overspending, so that is pretty cool. So far the neatest thing about it is that I am actually thinking about the purchases I am making, and weighing if the cost is worth the expense. I am more aware of my money and how much is coming in vs. how much is going out, so that is kind of huge. I have always been careless with my money, and I was really hoping that moving out would break me of that. It looks like maybe it is working. This month is going to be a struggle because I am still not entirely sure what is going where, but going forward, I will have a model of what my financial month looks like. I am just amazed at how much writing everything down makes me aware of what is going on. Its like I am an adult or something!

Well anyway, I am sure I have rambled on enough for tonight. I need to try to sleep anyway, since I am getting up early to go to the farmers market with roomie!

a little bit of distance...

i have been thinking about this a little bit over the past few days and i am kind of more surprised than i thought i would be. i don't know how to tackle this without stepping on toes or hurting feelings, but the fact of the matter is (and i have said this several times over) the whole point of this blog is to give a voice to the feelings associated with relocating 800 miles from everything you know, and this is a pretty big part of that process.

when i lived up in jersey i very often found myself struggling with the idea of friendship. i mean, i had all of these people that claimed to be my friends and all, but more often than not i would struggle to find someone to hang out with on any given night. i didn't really complain about it much because i felt like it was my fault for wanting to do things last minute so often, and i'm sure that it partially was, but i have been down here two months now and have a very good idea of who my friends back home really were. Not surprisingly, the three people i have really kept in contact with are the three that i would have considered my closest friends when i was up there.

i realize, too, that phones/twitter/facebook/text messages go both ways. but at the same time, i guess to me it feels pretty cheesy to make contact with someone that hasn't reached out to me, because the message would be something like "hey, Nashville is great! i am loving my new life here. my job is great, i am working on friendships with some pretty awesome people, and i am genuinely happy and feeling fulfilled." obviously, that is all great news, and a total 180 from how i was feeling up north, but i think that if i was on the receiving end of that message from someone else, i would be a little put off. maybe i am over-thinking it. i don't know. and maybe i am totally off base here, but this is where i am right now.

simple things are so different. if i was spending a lazy, stretch-pants sunday up north (on a non-eagles game day) i likely wouldn't have left my bedroom. here, though, i spent the day with my beat-up roommates (one has a concussion and the other hurt her shoulder) playing wii and being silly. i mean, i did also fall asleep on the love seat while watching tv and end up taking a five hour nap, but the whole vibe of the day was different.

i guess what it all boils down to is that maybe, with enough distance, it becomes way easier to see who belongs in one's life and who was just dead weight.

like being thrown to the wolves

yesterday i babysat a 21 month old for about 10 hours, and then went right to job 2 and worked another 8. My body hurt when i came home, for sure.

it was my first day on my own in the retail shop, and i was a bit nervous, although more prepared than i thought i was. One thing i am learning about myself is that i am way more capable of doing things than i give myself credit for. I have taken on a habit of setting the bar very low for myself so that i don't fail, but i have been proving to myself that i am more than capable of doing all sorts of things time and time again.

I was swarmed all night last night, and had an order to count and put up (which meant rearranging some things in the store.) Plus there are the regular "keep the store immaculate" things that I needed to deal with. I was sure that I was never going to get any of it done, and every time I would start to make some progress, I would get swarmed again. at the end of the night, though, T (my boss) told me that I did a great job, and that she was proud of me. when we checked the numbers, i understood why i felt like i was going to die; i was busy!

I go back in today. I don't suspect Ill have any orders to deal with, so that will help, but I do suspect that I will be just as busy.

poopy day.

Today was one of those days that quickly became one that I couldn't wait to end, however, now I am prolonging it by deciding to clean my room and blog. Both are poor choices considering tomorrow I am working from 7am until 1am. But anyway...

The day was running perfectly early on. The kid that I am babysitting didn't freak out when I was there to greet her as she woke, which I was pretty sure was not going to be the case. She was confused, but she accepted it.

We were hanging out sometime after her first nap, watching Dora and just relaxing, when I had a little stomach issue that i wont get into because gross. I had forgotten about this, but it triggered a downward spiral for the rest of the day.

Kiddo and I played for a while more, and had lunch, and it was getting late, so i put her down for her afternoon nap. She went down quickly, but was up about 20 minutes later, and was screaming. about 15 minutes after that, she was laying in her parents bed and had one of the most wicked (and full) diapers i had ever encountered.

Of course, because this is a new clause in the baby contract, she managed to get a good deal of that mess on my shirt because she was covered in it. For the rest of the afternoon i thought she needed changed again, but nope, it was just my shirt.

Anyway, I bathed her, dried her up and the rest of the afternoon was peachy, at least with her. However, I had plans for this evening that i had to postpone because no one wants to hang out with a girl who is covered in baby shit. This was especially upsetting because i had plans yesterday that tanked, too, so I was 0 for 2 in the friendtime department. It really is a big time bummer to be looking forward to something for so long only to have it fizzle out last minute. :(

I came home, de-pooped myself, and then headed out to job 2 to pick up my paycheck! Yay! first paycheck from the job that I love. SO EXCITING!!! except when you drive downtown to pick it up and it doesn't exist. it should have been there. the other girl that i went through orientation with had hers. they all kept telling me that it must have been direct deposited, except that I signed up for DD like 20 minutes before I went down there to get my check, and my bank account balance is proof positive that no pay checks have been deposited.

I wasted what little gas i had left to go downtown to pick up a check that wasn't even there.

I called my mom on the way home (hands free, don't worry) and she wasn't as sympathetic as I had hoped, so I decided to go for broke and use my last few dollars on Krispy Kreme. I hadn't really eaten all day and I was miserable, so donuts and coffee made sense to me.

obviously the poop washed off and i survived. I will eventually get this paycheck, or it'll show up in next week's check. My stomach issues are nothing new, and I can deal with them.  We rescheduled the hang out for next week, on a day that I am totally off. I mean, in all honesty I know that none of this is end-times bad, but piled on top of each other like that just makes for a pretty rotten mood.

however, my roomie learned that we have a show-off in our complex, so that was good for a laugh.

welp...

Okay, so I heard back from the boss at Job #1 and his response was not at all what I was bracing myself for.

Basically, he told me that I was brought in because they were looking to phase out the people who are negative about their work environment, and that would largely be those people that I encountered on that first day. He apologized for the warm reception, and was able to peg exactly who it was, and also apologized for my having to be "stuck" (his word, not mine) with her for any length of time that first day.

He said that he wasn't angry with me that day in the stockroom, but rather with another leader in the store who was not as thrilled about working around my schedule. Obviously I am not thrilled about having team leaders annoyed with me, but it is nice to know that I wasn't the cause of the annoyance (directly, anyway) the other morning.

He also mentioned that the people that I have been working with on the truck really like working with me, and have given me glowing reviews, and said that orientation is not something that he is allotted hours for, which seems weird, but that is the company's fault, not his.

I don't know what to do. My plan, since quitting, was to finish up my sub cert and sub on the days when I was off or closing at the Wildhorse. I could easily work something out with boss #1 where I am only working truck and am done by 10am, which would not interfere with job #2 at all. But that would leave me no time for subbing. Subbing pays way better, but I won't be able to start until at the earliest three weeks after submitting my paperwork.

I need to decide what to do quickly, as I am scheduled in at BRU at 6am and if I want to keep this job, I would probably have to show up.

Eff.

and that's that.

I just e-mailed my boss at the first job a letter telling him that I quit. I was going to call, but I figured that as far as paperwork goes, he might need a letter anyway (Wawa did) so I might as well just send him one and tell him how I feel. I thought that it might be childish, but in the end (with the help of my BFFF) it was determined that as a boss he might want to be made aware of some of the things that were going on inside his store that made me feel unwanted, and that the actions of the staff have consequences.

What it all boiled down to was the fact that I did not move down here to be unhappy, so I didn't see any reason to keep a job that was taking me in that direction.

Somehow, though, I still find myself sitting here wondering if it was the right decision.

****

Yesterday as I was walking by some dwelling-challenged kids and their dog, I made the mistake of looking at the dog. One of the boys asked if I could buy them all a slice of pizza, and I replied with the standard, "I don't have any money." This is a true fact. I really do not have any money at all. What the boy said next surprised me, though. He told me, "well, they take credit cards inside." I kept walking back to my car, but something about the entire thing shook me up. Part of me wanted to go back and blast him for thinking that was an acceptable thing to say to me, and kick him in the face for being an entitled little shit, and the other part of me wanted to run as quickly as possible to my car, lock the doors and speed away. I don't know why it was such an unsettling exchange or why I ended up so creeped out over it, but it impacted me enough to make a bunch of changes, including no longer taking my purse to work and purchasing a can of mace and a self-defense key-ring.

I wasn't even that shaken when LB and I got lost in the wrong part of Brooklyn this past summer.

just as i suspected

I officially started in the Wildhorse today. I arrived at 9:15 this morning and didn't even look at a clock until 2:15, so I think that speaks volumes about how much I was enjoying the job. I realize that not every day is going to be great, but I think most will be, and that is perfect.

Yesterday I was in the back room at the other job, and the manager came back to talk to me about scheduling. He was kind of ticked because he had done the schedule already and I had training Sunday, so he had to redo things based on me. I get that. I am ticked because my availability at both jobs is that I am not available, yet both jobs have me on the schedule. At any rate, he told me basically that I needed to hurry and get my availability to him as soon as possible, and that it might be that I need to decide which job is more important to me and then cut ties, knowing full well that the other job was the more important one (the way he worded it confirmed that statement.)

I just compared schedules, and technically I can work both jobs this week as my schedules don't actually overlap, but that means that I will have worked at least two weeks straight and that on Friday I will have to be at work at one job at 6am, and will be closing at the other job, which will likely not get me home til 1:30 or 2 am. If I am scheduled at either job for Saturday, I can see that being a serious issue.

I have "health benefits" through job one, however, they aren't full benefits. It is still better than what I would have otherwise, which is nothing. I am supposed to be part-time at job 2 but was listed as full on the schedule. If that is the case, my mind is absolutely made up, but if I am not offered health benefits, I need to decide what to do. I hate job 1. I went for a good three hours before anyone talked to me on Friday morning. When I would ask questions about what I was supposed to be doing, I was getting less-than-helpful responses. Or no reply at all.

I feel like this is pretty cut and dry. I have a job that I love and one that I hate. The one that I love pays me 1.75 an hour more than the one that I hate (and frankly the perks are killer at the one I love, and useless at the one I hate.) The only hold-up is the health insurance thing, but I just looked and found a decent plan for a decent price, and I don't think that killing myself to work these two jobs is worth some medical, especially when I can finish my sub cert and do that on days off at the Wildhorse. One sub day a month will cover my health insurance. Cut and dry, right?

But for some reason I feel a loyalty to job one that is making it very difficult for me to resign. This is weird, especially knowing that there is no return on that investment, since I was told it might be time to cut ties. I don't know. I know that I do not want to work 16 days straight, or longer, quite possibly. I know that I want to work in an environment where I am happy and where people are nice and having fun, and not one in which no one talks to one another. Someone please explain the loyalty thing to me so that I can move past it and quit, because I don't get it.

******

One of the best things about this new job is getting to talk to people. Today I was talking to two ladies, and one said that she was from Jersey, to which I of course replied "so am i!" When I asked her what part, she said South Jersey, and I said "so am I!" I asked the name of her town, and she made that "you probably have never heard of it" face and said Franklinville. I about shot through the ceiling I was so excited about that. I said, "AHHH!! I'M FROM CLAYTON!!!" She was not nearly as impressed as I was, but it was pretty cool to me.

I want to try to blog specifically about Friday's lunch and walk because I took some pictures that I would really like to share, but I just keep running out of time and energy. Maybe tomorrow, but if not, then definitely Monday. I want to share about other than work :)

its been six weeks

It seems crazy to say it, but I have been here more than six weeks now. 

A lot of people have been asking about my new job, and I have posted it a million times in various FaceBook statuses, but for the sake of having it "on the books" so to speak, the answer is I am working at a place called the Wildhorse Saloon in downtown Nashville. My job will be a retail position, which means that I will be selling tee shirts and shot glasses in the store part of the restaurant, and working the box office. I will be around live music all the time, and some pretty cool bands come through there (Hanson was just there last week. Air Supply and Blue Oyster Cult are set to come in the next few months.) 

I am really excited about working here. I start in the restaurant tomorrow; all this past week has been orientation with the company, which was a lot of fun. The difference between the orientations in the two companies that employ me (ie, I only had an orientation in one of them so far...the other hasn't had the "hours" to have us do the orientation...) has been night and day, and I suspect that the working environment will be the same. I will have a better idea tomorrow, for sure. 

an update feels long overdue.

Things are going just about how I expected they would be at this juncture in the move. I think that this time period that I am in right now will prove to be the hardest, because I still don't really have any friends, and because I just started working I don't have any money, so I am struggling on several different fronts. However, don't take that as my saying that this was a mistake, because I still contend that it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Jobs. Well, I have had one for a few weeks. I am not in love with it. I don't know if I mentioned it, but the first night I worked, a few of the girls that were there told me to "run" and "run away while i still can" and proceeded to tell me about how awful the job is. While i didn't take their word for it and decided to form my own opinion, my opinion was based largely on their attitudes and winning personalities. It is hard enough being the new kid in any situation, but they did not really make me feel welcomed or wanted, which made it that much more difficult. No one there overly friendly, really. I have met nice enough people, but no one has really made me feel like I belong, and that bothers me.

I guess I was just spoiled at ACA and Simmons.

On the bright side, I started orientation today for a job that i think i am really going to love. This is based solely on what i know about the venue, which isnt a whole lot, really, and the fact that the company seems to be pretty awesome. We spent the better part of the day underground. Tunnels. I have always loved the idea of tunnels to get from one place to another. They are so mysterious.

We will see if i still love it after i start my actual job, but i suspect that i will. i feel like this is what i have always wanted to do, which is to work in a place that caters to live music. Time will tell.

I have more to say, as I generally do, but it is getting pretty late and I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn for orientation, so I should probably wrap it up. I wish I said something worthwhile. Maybe next time.

so i am working, and i should be happy about that, right? i mean, i AM happy about that. its nice to have a job again...feel like a productive member of society again.

but here is the rub.

i got my schedule for this week. i am scheduled three and a half hours on monday, four hours on wednesday and four hours on friday. how in the world am i supposed to survive on 11 and a half hours, when i only make 7.25. 80 bucks a week before taxes wont even cover rent, let alone my student loans, cell phone, utilities, and living expenses.

i was told a few times by the manager that i might get more hours down the road, but i have to prove to him that i am worth it first. i cant wait around until i am deemed worthy of more hours, if that is even going to happen at all.

i wasn't going to finish my sub application (all i have left is to take the test), and i won't be able to sub much if i keep this job, because this will likely be my "set" schedule. (it's retail, so there is no such thing as a true set schedule, but for the job that he wants me to do, these are the hours that i will work.)

i am bored there, as it is. i am starting to think this job might not work out. there are a few other jobs that i am waiting to hear about, but i need some advice here. what would you do? i mean, health benefits, you know?

first day jitters

I started my new job tonight. I worked for five hours, and it felt like 25. I am not used to being in such a slow-paced environment. It isn't a horrible job, though, so I am going to stick it out for now, and hope that things get better. I imagine that they will. I have to go to TRU tomorrow to demo those rubberband bracelet making things, so that should be fun. I am scheduled for an 8 hour shift, though, and the demo is only two hours, so I am a little bit worried about what exactly I am going to have to do for the other six hours. I rang register tonight for a little while but I am terrified of it, to be honest, so I hope it is not that.

Enough about that.

I went down to Opryland headquarters this morning to interview for a position downtown at a place called the Wildhorse Saloon. That interview went well, so she sent me downtown to the Wildhorse to talk to some people there. Things were going really awesomely until we started talking about availability and I mentioned that I was starting a job at BRU tonight. That threw up a lot of red flags, and from a retail standpoint I absolutely get it, but it was still discouraging, especially because they all seemed to like me before that.

There was some talk about trying to work things out so that I could still do both. I talked to my manager at BRU tonight and he is willing to work with me, so hopefully things pan out. I really, really wanted the job at WS after I walked out of there, but I got less excited about it as the day went on. I really think that I am just trying to keep my hopes from getting out of control incase this doesn't pan out. The idea of quitting BRU so that I could work there also crossed my mind, but I don't know what kind of package they offer (we never got that far into the conversation) and I don't want to run the risk of losing my benefits now that I have them.

I still have the substitute teaching thing to fall back on if that doesn't work out, provided I take the test. Right now it doesn't make much sense to me to spend 40 dollars to take the test if I am never going to be available to work. I dunno. I guess I will just wait and see what happens with this.

I also have an interview scheduled for Monday at Target. I think my manager at BRU wants me to work Monday, so we will see how that works out.

I guess I will have to wait to see when the right path makes itself clear to me.

"feast or famine"

"feast or famine" was the expression i was trying to think of last night.

i start work tomorrow. my paperwork isn't even done but the store manager called and said he had a few extra hours and would i like to come in and watch how things go, so i said yes, because money! (also, experience. but money!)

i also volunteered to go to Toys R Us on Saturday to work a function down there. I guess all i have to do is sit at a table and talk to customers or something, but its a full shift. all this before my paperwork is even done :)

i interview at the saloon tomorrow. guys, i think i really want this job, but i just dont know if it's going to work out because both jobs will need me to have flexible scheduling. and BRU doesn't pay great to start, but i will have health insurance, which is something i have been without since september of 2009. I am really freaking stoked about that.

I also have a second interview at the Bullseye on Monday. We shall see how this goes. It is kind of far out, and I heard they don't pay that well, plus the scheduling thing, but the discount might make it worth it. I guess i should wait to see if i get offered a job first, huh?

anyway, i am actually supposed to be putting laundry away and making my bed, but for some reason i keep coming back to my computer. I should get back to that.

ETA: I went and registered my car today and got TN tags. I am finally totally officially a TN resident!

i had the perfect quote picked out for the title...

...but now i cannot remember what it was. It is a common expression and I am going to remember it sometime tomorrow, but for now, lame-o title it is.

Anyway. Remember how the other day i was all, "i cannot even think about filling out another application. i quit." Well, it is probably a good thing that i quit when i did.

I think i talked about this already, but Monday afternoon i got two phone calls, one right after the other, to set up job interviews. I went on one today and was hired, pending my background check, so yay! It is only 15-20 hours a week at Babies R Us, but i am absolutely okay with that. The other interview from that day is on Friday, and it is a job that i think i would really, really like, so i don't even want to jinx it by talking about it any more than that.

Yesterday morning I woke up to a call from another place that i applied, but she told me it was part time and i wasn't terribly interested in working there to begin with, so i told her i was not still interested. I regretted that decision almost immediately. I was so worried that the jobs i had interviews set up for would not pan out and that i had just given up the job i was supposed to take.

Then today happened. I woke up and was getting ready for my interview and my phone rang. It was a place that i think i could like working for, but a friend of mine just left there and didn't like it. Anyway, we set up a phone interview for Thursday, and i think i am going to be okay with whatever direction that goes. The discount would be nice, but it is a little farther out than i am interested in driving for a retail job. (My job at BRU is three minutes from my house. Literally. I timed it.)

I went to my interview at BRU and as I was walking in the door, my phone rang, and it was TRU, calling to tell me that they pull from the same list of applicants and was i interested in coming to work for them? I laughed and told her that I was walking into my interview at BRU, and she said that she didn't want to steal me away from them, but if it didn't work out to call her back and she would set me up with an interview. (I found out in my BRU interview that i can actually pick up hours at TRU if i wanted, but its kind of far away, too, so I don't know.)

So i interviewed, was offered the job (at least i think. i am still a little iffy on what actually happened. hahaha. But she said that she was going to try to get me in next week to do my paperwork and that she was starting the background check as i was walking out the door, so i believe i have a job. If i don't, i'll be the one with egg on my face) and left. I had originally scheduled a blood donor appointment for the morning but between sleeping through my alarm and the other phone call, i missed it. I was sitting in my room listening to the radio and they wouldn't stop talking about the blood drive, so I decided to get in my car and go give blood. Better late than never, right?

As i was sitting waiting to go back and do my history, my phone rang again, and it was another company i had applied to calling to set up an interview. Unfortunately i deleted the voicemail before i could call her back, though i did write down her name on my notepad in my phone. I never did get around to calling her back though because giving blood took 2 and a half hours, and then i called my parents, and then J and i went to Waffle House because cheese'n eggs.

Take that, being unemployed!

getting things done.

This morning I woke up to my alarm clock for the first time since June 22. It was weird. It was also a necessity, though, as I actually had things to do.

I had an appointment to go get finger printed for the sub job. I went down to the Board of Ed building and took care of that, and then headed out to the Driver's Testing Center to take care of getting my license changed over.

This switching my car and license over nonsense is more trouble than it is worth.

When I got to the DTC, the line was literally out the door. I was standing in the back of it, and from there saw something flash up on the screen that said "acceptable form of payment-check or money order." Poop. I had thought I read credit cards were accepted, and I had forgotten my checkbook, so I needed to go all the way back home and take care of that. The DTC isn't very close by, so this was kind of a hassle, but it was definitely my own fault. Besides all that, though, I had realized I didn't have my title, and figured it wouldn't be possible to register my car without it, so going home made sense.

I came home and re-read what I needed for registration, which included an emissions test, which I hadn't done, so I checked the website, and the one that is closest to me had a pretty short wait time, so I ran over there and took care of that real fast, and then headed back out to the DTC with all the appropriate documents in hand.

This time, there was only one person in line ahead of me (though my wait time was still an hour and a half or so. I can't imagine what it would have been earlier.) When I got up to the counter to explain what I needed (to switch my license and registration) the super sweet lady told me that they couldn't do registrations there, and that I needed to go to the County Clerk for that. I wasn't going to argue with her, but I swore that I read that they did that there, and that was the reason I drove 20 minutes to the other side of Nashville, but whatever.

After several games of Candy Crush, my number was called, and the process was quick and easy. Well, mostly. The camera kept saying that my eyes were closed so I kept having to have my picture retaken, and it is absolutely awful, but whatever. It's done, right? Damn my tiny eyes!

They don't print the license's there, though, so I got a temporary license until my real one shows up, which is weird. My DL is a piece of paper. Also, I had to turn over my NJ license which makes sense, but was still kind of depressing. And I just learned my old DL number, so I have to relearn the new one.

By the time I finished all that it was 3 in the afternoon, and I hadn't eaten since 8am, so I was hungry and tired of bureaucracy so I headed home to eat something, listen to records and try to clean my room. (I still have a few boxes of stuff in the middle of my floor that I have no energy to empty...they are currently serving as a desk and an end table.) I was checking facebook and listening to my record really loudly when I noticed a noise that didn't belong, and it took me a second to realize that my phone was ringing.

Someone from one of the jobs that I had applied to was calling to talk to me a bit (phone interviews are poop. I think this might have been better though as I was totally caught off guard) and we ended up scheduling an interview for later this week! I was pretty excited about that, for sure.

I decided I was going to take care of my car insurance paperwork, so I ran downstairs after the phone call to get something out of my car, and when I came back up, my phone was ringing again. I kind of thought that it was the first lady calling me back to cancel or reschedule, so imagine my surprise when another job application had pulled through for me, and someone else wanted to schedule an interview!

After all that, I decided a nap was in order, as I had been more productive today than I had in a while, and it wore me out. I slept for a while, woke up, ate a very late "dinner" (Raisin Bran at 10pm), watched Kick-Ass with the roomie, and then came up here, wrote this and am now going back to bed.

Tomorrow I need to go to the County Clerk to get my car registration dealt with, and if I have any money left, I might go see if  I can find something cute to wear to my upcoming interviews!

"i said don't worry about a thing. every little thing's gonna be alright."

Man. There is just so much stuff that i thought about before moving, but i'm realizing now that i never really thought about it. That probably doesn't make much sense, so i'll enlighten you.

Before i left Jersey, we transferred the title of my car from my parents' to me. It was more expensive in the long run, but the simpler solution (something about not being able to prove who my dad was in TN but i could in Jersey. Since he didn't come with me to the DMV, i still don't really get that, but that was what i was told to do, so that is what i did.) When i left to go do this, my parents basically handed me everything i needed and said go, say this, and do this. easy peasy.

My first problem was that they don't call DMVs DMVs here. Google took me where i needed to be easy enough, but the website left my head spinning, and every time i clicked a link, it took me to some page where i needed to give them a ton of info and money. from what i could gather, that was just to print out a guide on what i needed to do, which seemed like a really wasteful way to spend what little cash i have left.

Also, i need to change my driver's license. i looked this all up before i moved, and determined it was easy enough, but kind of left some important documents back in Jersey, which have prolonged the whole ordeal. That stuff arrived late last week, and since i have to go downtown tomorrow anyway, i figured i would take care of all of this in one fell swoop.

I have been whining about the job thing for a few weeks now, but some things that were said in church today reminded me to be calm about all of it and just let God do his thing. His will and all, you know? I was talking to a friend of mine and heard myself saying, "I wanted to sub anyway, so that is just what i am going to do; forget the other stuff. i am tired of sending out applications just to be denied anyway. those aren't the jobs i am supposed to have, so i am done with that for a while." I didn't really even realize i felt that way, but it makes total sense, so i am going with it. I am stressing myself out over something that i have no control over, and i need to just take a chill pill. I want to sub; that was the plan from day one. Why am i so concerned that Kroger hasn't called me back yet? Do i want to work in a grocery store? no, not especially, so why am i letting it get me down?

But there's a hitch to this, too. I made an appointment to get fingerprinted, but didn't print out the conformation page, which apparently i need tomorrow. I also saw something about bringing a filled-out form but i cannot for the life of me figure out where said form is located. Basically, what it is all coming down to is that i need a bunch of paperwork for tomorrow, i only have some of it, and i have really no idea what i am even doing. Here's hoping i am able to accomplish what i need to, or even some of it.

It is going to be an interesting day...

blah blah blah.

this job hunt nonsense is crazy.

I have been applying for jobs like it was a full-time job for the last two weeks. I have received a few "we're sorry, but..." emails, but not one positive phone call or email, after sending out what has to be nearly 80 (if not more) applications. I know that I will need to hear a lot of "no's" before I get a "yes," because that is just how this stuff works these days, but when I think about it, I have trouble breathing.

I do, however, have an appointment on Monday morning to go get fingerprinted so that I can continue on with the Substitute Teacher application. I also started applying at another school district. I hope that I can use the fingerprints in both districts (they are expensive!) and moreso that this leads to something. I need to take the "class" and the test, so I will start that this weekend.

I was hoping that my phone would have rang already, and was thinking that by today I would have had a job, but I can't let that get me down. I just need to stop looking at my bank account. :/

I already want to rearrange my room, but I am not strong enough to move my dresser alone. Well, I guess I am, but its huge and awkward (that's what she said) so I guess I need to make friends with a big, burley man so that he can help me. :) He also needs to be tall, because I need something hung high in my room and I'm too short to do it.

I got a box of stuff in the mail today, from my parents. I already had a bunch of stuff in my room that I don't have a home for, and the assortment of stuff that they sent was super random, so some of it was super useful and important, and some of it is just more clutter. Have I mentioned that I really don't like clutter? Because I don't. It makes me anxious.

The thought of writing a "things I would have done differently" entry regarding the move keeps running through my mind, but I would have to flesh it out a little bit more...right now the only tip I have is this: If I were to move 12 hours across the country again, I would hire movers. I don't even have that much stuff (Not going to lie, I have a lot, but I only moved a bedroom and a kitchen, not an entire house) and it was still a pain in the ass. Oh, I probably would suggest not moving to the South in August, either, but whatever.

I know that all of the things that are freaking me out are going to just take some time and effort to resolve, and I also know that once I am working all the time, I am going to miss laying around watching entire seasons of television shows in one sitting. Soon enough I will have people to hang out with, and a job so that I can afford to hang out with said people. I thought the transition would only take a week...boy was I naive. I sure do hope that I am on the right path after a month, though, because if I don't find income in the next few weeks, I don't know how I am going to pay rent next month.

this too shall pass...

ugh.

obviously, if you saw my last post, i was a bit of a mess this weekend. I just kind of got hit with a lot of reality all at once and wasn't really sure how to deal with it all, so instead of dealing with any of it, I broke down and hid. that is how i deal with things, and it is definitely something i need to work on, because it accomplishes nothing (unless you count skipping church because of puffy, red eyes an accomplishment.)

Yesterday my roomie had some friends help her move all of her big stuff from her apartment to our townhouse. I had every intention of getting up, going to church, and then helping out like a good roommate, but once i saw myself in a mirror, the waterworks started again and i just curled up in a ball in my bed.

I probably wouldn't have even left my room yesterday at all, except that Kristian knocked on my door so that she could see my room, and I let her come in. I am really happy in my room. It is a safe, happy place and it makes me feel comfortable, so I really do like to "show it off" (even with the four large boxes still in the middle of my floor.) After mostly everyone left our house, I could still hear Summer in our hallway being super silly (because that is, what i have determined, what Summer does best) and I decided to come out of hiding to say hey and see what was going on (plus i really needed a drink.)

I decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak, and try to work out of my funk by going to Sunday Funday at LBL. I knew that I needed to get out of my own head and I figured the best way to do that would be to be around other people. I told Sandrene on the way there that I probably should have just stopped being a butthead and gone to church that morning, but going to LBL would be a start. I know that I was still pretty reserved last night, but I did interact a little bit.

On the way home someone was texting me about some issues that they are going through, and as I was reading and trying to talk them out of the funk that they were in, it became certain that the best way to get out of my own funk was to try to help other people out of theirs. I never realized how much I need to be needed. It is kind of strange. Anyway, a few text/messaging conversations later, and a few episodes of "Freaks and Geeks" (it still kills me that that series only lasted one season) and I went to sleep with my head on a little bit tighter.

***

One of the things that initially drug me down over the weekend was a packet that I received in the mail on Friday from my car insurance company. It told me that I had 10 days to provide a copy of my TN driver's license or I would be dropped from my policy. Because of a paperwork snafu, this isn't something that I can accomplish in 10 days, so I freaked out a little bit about that. Then we went somewhere in my car and it was making all sorts of insane noises and that freaked me out even more, and I just started worrying about EVERYTHING. I don't have a job. I don't have anyone to hang out with. There were a lot of "I don'ts" floating around in my head, and that monster just got the best of me, unfortunately.

But even though I was a sad, sappy mess, I never really thought "what am i doing here?" or "i made a mistake" because I don't even want to justify either of those statements. I am doing what I wanted to do, and I knew that it was going to be tough. I just have to work through the rough patches and trust God that things are going to be fine. They have been this far.

I called my car insurance provider today, told them my situation, and she said I have at least 30 days to get it taken care of, as well as gave me an email address to send all of the paperwork once I have everything together that I need. It is going to be fine; I am still covered and will not be dropped.

I have an appointment for next week to get finger-printed, and I am going to take the sub test this week when I have some time to sit quietly and do it. It might be another couple weeks before I have the job I want, but I realized that I can't get upset every time i get a "we have decided to go in another direction" email, because those jobs that I have been applying for arent really the jobs I want. I want to teach. I want to sub right now. I will make it work and things will be golden. I just have to realize that what I expected to be a rough first week might, in all honesty, be a rough first month.

But I will get there. I just have to stay positive.

"you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have..."

meh.

so the whole point of this blogging experience through the move was to document they way I am feeling as much as what is going on and the steps I have taken to get here. I feel like if I didn't write about days like today I would be doing a disservice to the idea of the blog, even if I don't really want to talk about it. So anyway...

today has not been a good day. I have been on the verge of tears or crying for the better part of it. I can't honestly say exactly why I am so sad, because I finally did something that I have wanted for easily the last 13 years, and I am happy to be living here. I am learning my way around, and love that I have so many former "novelty" places so close to my house. (At least three wafflehouses within 10 minutes? yes please!) Given the chance to go back and do it again, I wouldn't change anything. This is still what I want.

I told my roommate today that I blame Jimmy Eat World. We went to see them last night, and it was a great show, but there are still some unresolved feelings attached to that band that I do a pretty good job of hiding for the most part, but I guess having those songs hit me back to back to back last night really stirred some crap up. But it can't be just that. All of this saline cannot be because of a few songs that meant something to me, what? 10 years ago? That can't be it.

I miss my friends, but honestly, I didn't see them a whole lot when I still lived in Jersey. I am pretty sure I talk to them more now that I am down here. I know that I spent many nights sitting around my parents' house wondering why I couldn't find anyone around to hang out with me. I talked to 2/3 of the girls tonight on facetime, which was nice, but it didn't shake the waterfalls, so I can't imagine that it's my friends.

I miss my family. A lot. But let's face it, I was the butt of every joke because I was 33 and still living with my parents. "Oh, Gen's never going to leave." I needed to move out, and I knew it. I always said that it made no sense to move out of my parents' place just to pay a ridiculous rent around the corner. Besides, who in the world was I going to live with? It has always been a fact that when I moved out, I was going to move. So while I miss them, and it I have been sad about that all week, this is different.

I do miss the stars, though. I don't know that I have seen them since I got down here. I have been actively looking for them for the past few nights, but its been so overcast I can't tell if I can see them or not. Maybe its the weather? I don't know. I want a clear night to see if I can see stars here. I know it won't be like at home, but something would help.

Honestly, though, I think this is all to do with the stress of not being employed. The bank account is getting lower than I would like it to get, and I really don't want to have to worry about what I am going to do to pay rent or my student loans. I am bored. Both of my roommates get up and go to work and I sit at home all day staring at the computer screen applying to job after job after job, praying that one of them is the right fit. I haven't had to do this in a really long time, but I know that it's all who you know, and frankly I don't know anyone. That scares the shit out of me.

I am trying so hard to keep faith and trust that there is a plan, but I am getting nervous. I have run into a lot of road blocks lately (actually, mostly today) that are making me anxious. I hope that a good night's sleep and a good message at church tomorrow will clear out all of this negativity. Hell, retail therapy didn't even help, because even though I really did need jeans (old navy had a one-day only sale-$15 dollar jeans-and I only brought one pair down with me) I couldn't help but worry about the dent into the bank account. When a four-dollar dress purchase stresses me out, I know that there is a problem.

Fuck. I just want to stop crying.

brake time.

Since my parents were coming down here anyway to help me move my stuff, they decided to hang out for a few days and do some sight seeing. This was nice because I got to spend a few more days with my parents, plus I got to see some stuff that I don't know that I would do otherwise.

On Friday, we went to the Belle Meade Plantation, which is where the famous horse Bonnie Scotland was raised. We got to tour the house, which was really cool to see, and the "outer houses" which included the mausoleum, the servant's quarters, the dairy, and the original log cabin that the family started the plantation from. I don't like to sit around and read about history, but I love to go out and experience it, so even though it was humid as all get out, I had a really nice time.

Also, there was a winery and a wine tasting, and I bought a bottle of blackberry wine.

After the plantation, we went to dinner at the Cracker Barrel. I drove all of us over, because even though it was right in the parking lot, it was raining pretty hard at that point and none of us really wanted to be wet. Dinner was good, and we walked around a little to see what kind of fun things were in the store. After all of that, it had stopped raining so my parents decided to walk back to their hotel, and I was getting in my car to come back home so that I could continue to put my stuff away. HOWEVER, I started my car and when I pressed the brake to put the car into gear, the brake pedal went all the way to the floor, and I heard a pop. I knew that this was a bad sign, so I threw it back into park and looked around for my parents, but they were out of sight already.

I made the (probably stupid) choice to put it back into reverse and drive as slowly as I could over to my parents' hotel room because I wasn't sure what exactly the problem was, only that my brakes were not right. I got back to their room and knocked on their door, but no one answered. I surmised that I had beat them back over, and walked around the opposite way that I had driven in to find them, which I did. I told them what happened, and after checking a few things, the brake fluid was noticeably spouting out of the brake line in the back, and it became evident that the brake line had split.

After a few phone calls, a tow truck was on its way to come and take my car away. I wasn't really upset about any of it, because I knew that things could have been a heck of a lot worse. I had spent the previous two days driving a loaded car through the mountains, and some portions of the trip were through torrential downpours. Had my brakes decided to give out during any of that, I would have definitely smashed my car up, and likely been severely injured or even killed. Even if they had failed just driving around Nashville, it still could have done some damage. I was just thankful that I wasn't hurt and that I was able to get things taken care of.

One day and 472 dollars later, I got my car back. It had a lot of other issues with the brakes that either were fixed or need to be addressed soon, and it was recommended that I replace the front axle. I will attend to these things once I have a job and have income coming in. For now, though, I am glad to be alive and have my car back mostly working.

The big move, day 2

As I mentioned before, we stayed in a hotel overnight, splitting our journey up into two days. 12 hours of driving is intense as it is, but 12 hours of driving followed by a few hours of unpacking would have been a nightmare, so this was obviously the best thing to do.

Anyway, we woke up Thursday morning, went and had breakfast, and then got on our way. The drive was only supposed to take 4 and a half hours or so, which was fine by me, but we also needed to make a few potty stops along the way, which was also fine by me. At one point, I checked my facebook and a friend had asked if we were weathering the storms alright, to which I replied that we had been through a little bit of rain but that it was nothing serious.

Mistake.

No sooner did we pull away from that rest stop than did the clouds start rolling in. Before I knew any better, the rain was coming down so hard that I was white-knuckling the steering wheel and praying for the rain to be over. I couldn't see in front of me. I was following my parents' pretty close, but I was still having a really hard time  finding them in all of the grey and gloom. I am not a fan of driving in storms like that (but really, who is, right?) but that on top of the fact that we were driving through the mountains made me super nervous. I turned the radio down (a sure sign that I am struggling with something) and prayed and prayed that the rain would stop.

It eventually did. We stopped for lunch about a half-hour outside of Nashville, and while we were sitting there, the rain let up a good deal, so it wasn't nearly so awful that last half hour or so. I was convinced that we would be moving everything into my house in torrential downpours, but thankfully the rain had all but stopped when we arrived. There were reports of flooding in other places around the city, but we were in good shape (being up a hill definitely helps in situations like that...but we will see how that works out when it gets cold and the roads are icy. I am not looking forward to that at all.)

We got all of my stuff into the living room, and then my parents went to their hotel to check in. I started putting stuff into my room and trying to figure out where I was going to put everything. Yes, I surely did overpack. I was so worried about clutter and I still brought wayyyy too much stuff with me. I basically managed to put everything in a place now, though, so maybe I will be able to maintain a clean living space. We will see.

The very first thing I did was to make my bed. My new bedding was waiting for me when I arrived, and I couldn't wait to get it on my bed. I just felt like once my bed was made, this would feel like my home. I have subsequently felt that way about getting my records put away, getting my posters up on the wall, getting my boxes out of the living room, getting my kitchen stuff unpacked, and most recently getting my bathroom stuff unpacked.

My parents called me a few hours later and I went over to their hotel to meet them for dinner. There was a wafflehouse in their hotel parking lot, so we went there (which I was not opposed to at all, yay for cheesy eggs!) and then I came home to keep working on my room. I was planning on going to a concert that night, but between driving through the downpours earlier, unpacking that afternoon, and the fact that it was still rainy and cloudy, I decided that I was just going to lay low and get some more unpacking done. I am pretty bummed that I didn't get to see ZZ Ward, though. I really dig her music.

I don't want this to get too long, so I will stop here for now. No worries, though, there is definitely more to come.

The big move, day 1.

I know it has been a while since I have updated, but I wanted to be able to do things chronologically, and I didn't want to advertise that my parents were here and that their house was empty for a week, so I waited. Also, we didn't have internet right away, and I have been busy.

I don't know if I talked at all about the breakdown I had in the front yard on Tuesday night of last week. After we had managed to fit what I thought was everything into the two vehicles, I discovered a few boxes of rather important things that hadn't found their way downstairs. I did manage to make everything fit, but not after launching a poor, defenseless plastic pumpkin across my parents' front yard and screaming a lot.

I finally got to bed late that night, sleeping on the floor of the bedroom that I had slept in for most of my life, and I probably would have been emotional about that, except that I was exhausted and I knew I had a long day ahead of me on Wednesday.

We got up early Wednesday morning and headed out. We stopped off in Woodstown to have breakfast at the Wagon Wheel. My dad loves it there, but I wasn't terribly impressed. I am not a big breakfast-at-breakfast person as it is, and I just wasn't feeling anything on the menu. One of my big things about having all of these food allergies is trying to figure out what I am going to be doing after I eat. Driving in a car for 8 hours is not high on the list of things that I want to be doing if I need to make restroom stops.

The ride down on the first day wasn't too rough. I was starting to suffer from highway hypnosis, though, so I was glad to stop when we did. We made it to our hotel, checked in, and then went out to find some dinner. We ended up eating at a really awesome Soda Shoppe and Grille called Ellis, I believe. The food was really good, and I had a pineapple milkshake, which was possibly the best thing I have consumed in a while.

Short of that, there wasn't a whole lot else going on on that first day of travel.

i fell asleep right after starting last night's entry

I had every intention of updating last night, and even started writing, but I passed out on the floor of my (old) bedroom, slept through (what was left of) the night, and hit the road early this morning, so that had to be scrapped.

Last night was my last night in the bedroom that I have lived in for the better part of the last 27 years. I felt like I should have been more emotional about that, but it really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I actually was thinking about things today on the drive, and I realized that I feel like I have no emotion regarding any of this.

Today I drove most of the way down. It was too much for one day, so I am holed up in a dingy hotel somewhere near the VA/TN border. Tomorrow I will complete the trip, and start loading things into 113. I am excited to put my new bed set on my bed, and excited to set my record player up again. It has only been two days, but I miss my stupid records. A lot.

Last night, after loading everything into the van, I realized I forgot to pack my shoes. After maneuvering things to get them in, I realized I never packed any hangers. More rearranging. This went on until well after one am, at which point I finally said, "forget it. If I forgot it now, I can replace it when I get there. I have had enough." Then I pulled my comforter out of the laundry basket it had been sitting in only to find a box of important documents that I couldn't leave behind. More rearranging. It was a long night.

The drive so far has been good. The last hour before the hotel was rough. It was raining and my ipod died and I was so ready to be out of the car. I think, though, that the last hour of any drive is rough, at least that seems to be my experience.

I feel like there is more that I should say, but I keep yawning and I have a lot to do tomorrow, so I think I am going to call it a night. We don't have internet in our house yet, as far as I know, so I will attempt to write an update tomorrow, though it might not get posted for a few days.

I still can't believe that I am doing this. I must be insane.

If you know me at all you probably won't believe this, but it is true.

Although anyone who has ever been in my car might not believe me, I really and truly do not like clutter.

One of the things that I am looking forward to most about this move is the fresh start in regards to my living space. When I was in college, I only had things that I needed with me, and a few meaningful trinkets. Everything had a place, and I didn't have mounds of stuff everywhere. I often think back on my bedroom in our house senior year, and while I don't have many fond memories of that place, I do miss the order and neatness.

My parents' dining room is the staging area for all of the crap that needs to be loaded into the cars. Every time I look into that room, I start to get anxiety, because I am sure that I am taking too much stuff, and then I start to worry because there is still stuff left in my room that I haven't gone through yet. I am very overwhelmed. I don't want clutter.

I keep reminding myself that there is stuff for the rest of the house in those boxes as well. I have a lot of stuff for the kitchen (but what if there is no room for my stuff, since the other girls are already moved in?) I have some stuff that could be used in the living room. I have a lot of stuff for the bathroom.  BUT I have about seventy five pairs of shoes.

Well, that might be a (slight) exaggeration, but I have a lot of shoes. Just call me Imelda.

I just don't want clutter. I want a room that is calm and relaxing. I think the bright color scheme that I have chosen are going to create a happy space. (A happy space? Who am I?)

I have to trust that I am only packing necessities. I have to trust that this is all going to be okay. I think my brain is just doing whatever it can to freak me out.

My nerves are shot. I am terribly itchy right now. It has to be stress or nerves. The pressure is definitely getting to me. I just want to be at 113, unloading my stuff and settling in.

Little by little I will get there and I will get through this. I know that without a doubt this is the best change I have ever made in my life (well, maybe quitting Wawa was better for me, because that is ultimately what got me to this point.) I just have to stop freaking out about all the stupid little crap that isn't going to matter in a month, and just finish what I need to do.

In a few days, I will be adjusting to a slower-paced, clutter free life, and I will be happy.

"a stronger girl would shake this off in flight, and never give it more than a frowning hour"

Goodbyes suck.

I have been saying goodbye to basically everyone I know lately, and did most of that in one fell swoop with my going away party last week. The intention was to leave a few days after that, but as we all know, the best laid plans of mice and men...

So I am still in town, for a little while longer. I was trying to keep that quiet because I knew I didn't want to go through the goodbye process again a hundred times over. Not to mention the fact that I still have SO MUCH packing to do. It is ridiculous how much stuff I have accumulated in my life. I am planning on leaving most of it in my parents' attic for now, because this move is about a fresh start, and I don't see dragging 33 years of stuff down south as "fresh."

I posted on facebook that I was going to the shore with the BFFF on Saturday night, and and a result, I hurt some feelings. A few people messaged me that they wanted to see me again, and I told them all no. I don't say no that often, and I realized in this juncture that it is necessary for my sanity. I did, however, go out for about two hours tonight (after making MAJOR progress packing) because it is LB's birthday, and she had plans to go to the drive in, and the drive in was playing wolverine. As you may or may not be aware, I have had a serious crush on Wolverine since I was about 8 years old (Jean who?) so it is a movie I would have seen anyway.

But I was with people that I had already said goodbye to, so I had to go through that again. Its not that I don't want to see anyone, and I was glad that I went, but I am crying all the time as it is. I don't really want to keep putting myself in that position.

I am sorry if you are one of the people whom I offended. It was not meant to hurt anyone's feelings. I need to set boundaries and protect myself, too. My life is changing, for the better, I hope, but in order to make that happen, I need to change everything. This means that when I come home to visit, I might not have time to see everyone, but I will try to designate one night for my friends. If that means I have to say, "if you want to see me, come to Friday's at seven pm on tuesday night" then that is what it is going to be.

I realize that I will be 806 miles away, but my door is open to anyone who might want to come visit. I will have a job and new friends and responsibilities down there, but that doesn't mean that I won't have time for texts, calls or visits from the people who mattered in my first 33 years.

Please don't take anything I am doing personally. I promise I am not out to offend anyone as my last act before leaving New Jersey. I just have to put myself first right now. I don't think that is an awful thing.

another day, another set of feelings.

I talked about my going-away party and how happy I was that people came out to see me off, and I really was and am. This isn't to take anything away from that, it is just where I am tonight. The purpose of this whole blog adventure was to document my feelings, and I am going to do that, quite possibly at the risk of offending others. Oh well. I generally don't hold back when I have something to say.

Tonight I had dinner with my meggers, and then met up later with my friend Nicole for ice cream. Both had plans the night of the party and couldn't make it that night, but wanted to see me before I left, and both reached out to me to make that happen. I love both of these ladies and was willing to take time away from packing and whatever else I had going on today (let's be honest...I was playing Candy Crush anyway) to see them because they wanted to see me.

My leaving is not a secret, though I really wanted to sneak off into the night and disappear, reemerging in my new home and that would have been the end of it. However, that is not the proper way to do things, so I have given ample opportunity to see everyone that wanted to see me before I left. For good.

 Yes, I will be home again around Christmas, God willing, but if anyone out there thinks that I will have time for them then, especially if they didn't make time now, they will be surprised. Christmas is a hectic time of the year as it is, and I have a big family who I know I am going to miss like crazy and am going to want to be with them as much as I can while I can. I have friends that have been with me through every step of the way on this journey; friends that I am struggling to say goodbye to. I will want to spend time catching up with them. I have a dear friend who is moving closer to me as I am moving away, and we already have plans to see each other over Christmas break, and I will keep those plans because knowing that is happening will be the only way that I am going to survive the limited contact I will have with him until then.

Now I am surely not so conceited as to think that every facebook friend; every twitter friend; everyone who is reading this blog right now should drop everything and come see me. As a matter of fact, it's too late. I have plans tomorrow and I leave after that. I think. But I am really annoyed that people who claim to be close to me haven't made time over the past few months.

Alas, life gets in the way. People who you have been best friends with since fifth grade mysteriously drop you for no reason, and the first text you get from them in months is forced by a mutual friend, and just says "i have plans. good luck." That is life. Friendships are only supposed to have a life-span of 5-7 years, so I guess one that lasted over 20 had outlived its lifespan. I  am thankful for the friends that I do have that haven't dropped me like a bad habit over literally nothing. I am thankful for the friends that made an attempt to see me before I left.

I realize that I am probably coming off like a spoiled brat in this post, but this has been bothering me for a few days now. I refuse to apologize for feeling like this, though. These are my feelings. I own them, and I will put them down in this blog, because this is all part of the moving process. This is the moving ON process.

For a long time, I have been considering chopping my "friends list" on fb when I move. It is possible. I have also considered changing my telephone number when I upgrade my phone, but again, I don't know if I will. If, though, I do make any changes, those people that have attempted to remain in my life will still be there.

Cutting ties is a slippery slope.

Coffee in the middle of the night is probably a terrible idea, but here we are...

I was chastised recently for not updating enough. I think I update as often as I should, which is whenever I actually have something to say, but that is not good enough for everyone, I guess. It is a good thing I have something to say today.

Yesterday was my going-away party.

I had a really nice time. I thought I was going to be more emotional, as well as more freaked out by the demands of being the recipient of a party, but I started in on the "social lubricant" early, and the only people that came by were people that I really wanted to see (IE: family and my closest friends) so those things helped a lot. We had a lot of food, and a lot of food left over, so my parents and I will be eating tacos until we leave for Nashville.

Not that I had the party for gifts, but I did make out pretty well. I have lots of wine to christen the new house with (though I likely won't share the Jersey Blueberry from Heritage, because i'm greedy :) ) as well as some cash and stuff to furnish the new place. Oh, and I also got ADORABLE Lennox owl salt and pepper shakers, which I just love. My first Lennox, and its owls, so I am psyched.

Also, I only teared up once, which is pretty impressive. I don't like opening gifts in front of people, which again goes back to being the center of attention, but before they left, my BFFF's daughter wanted to see me open the stuff that they brought, and who am I to deny a 10 year old? I was reading the card and was glad that it was dark. The dumbest things set me off, and in this case it was something that my BFFF's boyfriend wrote in the card. So random, you know?

Of course, after everyone left, and after we cleaned up most of the mess (throwing a party is a messy affair) I tore into everything, and the card that my baby brother and his wife gave me also made me cry. And then I cried at more or less everything after that. I am a sap, and I am not afraid to admit it.

In other news, I figured out the solution to the issue of how to get my bed down there, so while it delays my leaving by at least a few days (I actually intended to leave today, but instead am sitting in my kitchen at 11 at night blogging and drinking coffee) I am happy for the help.

Packing is still tedious. I still have too much shit, and am still too emotionally attached to throw anything away. At least I am okay with leaving a lot of stuff behind in the attic at my parents' house until I come home later, and can go through it again and throw stuff away at a later date. What I actually foresee happening is my mom throwing stuff away on a tangent and my not knowing any better. She already threw away a lot of my stuff that was in the attic, and I still lived here at that point.

I did order the bed set that I have had my eye on, though, so that should be at my house either when I arrive or soon thereafter. And it was on sale, which rules. I went to the mall today to buy it, but it wasn't on sale at the actual store, only online. I hate that nonsense, but I decided (once I figured out exactly where to have it shipped as we don't have a mailbox set up yet) that it is fine that it is meeting me down there, as that it one less thing to have to pack and then unpack.

So, rent is paid, all of my bills have been notified of my new address, and I bought car insurance today. The only thing left to do is finish packing and get my butt down to Nashville!

I knew it was just a matter of time...

As i was falling asleep last night, the negative thoughts about all of this finally started seeping through. One of my last thoughts before falling asleep (or maybe it was my dream...im not sure at this point) was that I am not going to make any friends down there and that this is the stupidest thing i have ever done.

i have been walking around all day feeling exactly that way.

what the hell am i doing?

I can't pack. I just cant. I cannot put my life into boxes and figure out what i might need and what can wait here for me, and what what stuff i have collected over time that i am willing to trash or donate. i cant.

deep breaths.

I can do this. i can do this and i will be fine.

I knew when i started this blog that i would have days like this, and that is what i wanted to document. this isnt all a cakewalk. i am definitely struggling with some doubts lately. I am definitely letting the negative thoughts take over. I cant let that happen, though. i have to regain control and remain positive.

I am struggling to figure out how to get my rent money to my roommate in Nashville. I should have worked on this sooner but life has done what it does best and gotten in the way, so now she needs the money tomorrow and there is no easy way to do it.

I am sure this is just a temporary glitch in the system. at least i hope it is because this is not okay.

"'cause i can guarantee things are sweeter in Tennessee."

our lease was approved. we get the keys on tuesday. 113 Northcrest Commons is officially home. 

still working out the whole "getting my crap there" issue. might have a solution. if not, i know what i have to do. i just dont want to spend the entire month of august moving. 

i guess that all means i should get moving on the packing front. i have not done much at all. i am a procrastinator, for sure. instead, though, of course, i am sitting in bed writing this and updating my phone, and then in a little while i am leaving to drive to a free concert and get wafflehouse. 

i have been really up in the air about having a going away party, but decided that since mom offered, id go ahead and do it. im already frustrated with it, and told LB last night that i kind of want to cancel it, but i wont. i am just not really up for the stress or the frustration. i am doing this for everyone else. 

i feel like a lot of the feelings that i am having are not ones that i should put down in writing, for fear of hurting others' feelings, even though mine are pretty hurt right now. no matter, though. i know who has my back and that is what matters. my true friends will stick by me through the move and all, and they are the ones that matter. 

i need to collect the furniture that has been donated to the cause at some point this week. ill make phone calls tomorrow, i guess. 

today's dilemma~what do i do with my show posters? i have a bunch of lithographs and im not sure if i should take them or not. id like to frame them but that will get expensive fast. hmm...

update.

I realized that I haven't updated this blog in a while, and since I have been down to Nashville and am in the depths of the cleaning/packing process, I thought I should take some time to do that now.

I guess the most important thing to share is that we potentially found a place. I was concerned that our demands were going to be too hard to meet, but we found a three-bedroom, 2 &1/2 bathroom, large-kitchened townhouse that is close to what we need and decently priced. It was actually the first place that all three roomies saw together (Sandrene and Kelsey had looked at a few before I went down there, and Sandrene and I had seen one earlier that day) which I thought was pretty special. We are waiting on a few things, but it's all looking like a go, so we should have our lease signed and the keys in hand within the next week or two.

I should probably share pictures, but they are on my phone and I'm feeling really lazy currently. If you would like to see them, let me know and I will share them at some point.

Now I am down to the wire with packing (which I am not really getting very far in doing) and with making arrangements, and it is starting to freak me out a little bit. Mostly, I am still very calm about the entire move but little details are starting to make me sweat a little bit.

Although, once again, I received what I take as a sign that it is all going to be alright, and that God has all of this under control.

It occurred to me very recently that what I am doing might be viewed by some as totally insane. I quit all of my jobs to move away from my friends and family and start over. This is kind of the only thing I have ever really wanted to do, so I don't find it crazy at all, but I do worry slightly about the financial aspect, especially for the summer while I am not working. I had a sudden, overwhelming feeling of dread when I realized that I am going to be living for at least a few months with no income. That is scary.

Then on facebook (oh, facebook, how many jobs have landed in my lap because of you) yesterday a friend of mine posted that a friend of hers was in a bind and needed someone to nanny her two girls for the next two weeks. I met the mom and the girls today, and I will be taking the job. This will lead right up to the weekend that will be my last here, but it will be good for me to have income and stability in my schedule, and it helps her out because she was totally stuck. I like when things pan out, and I take this as a sign from God that it's all good.

We are really getting down to the wire now.